- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
I’ll give you a bit of backstory (I will try to be brief)
I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. My weight has never been consistent – it goes up and down from 140 – 190.
Last year I decided it was time to seriously take control of my weight and I lost 30 pounds, then one of my best friends died and I started binge eating and gained it all back plus some in 3 months. I have pretty much lost all that weight now but still want to lose another 20 pounds or so until I am at a weight I am comfortable with.
For the past 2 months my weight loss has slowed considerably (I’ve lost 2 pounds in that time). I’ve monitored my calories, mixed up my exercise routine and it just isn’t budging. Yesterday I was feeling upset about this and ended up having a big cry to my Darling Husband.
He is having trouble understanding why I am so upset; He said that I have lost a great amount of weight in these past few months, that I am looking great and my fitness has improved heaps. I have a lot to be happy about! He doesn’t get why I am striving for ‘perfection’ and then it hit me.. neither do I.
I have this image in my head of what it will be like when I am at my goal weight.. I have a killer body, my hair is longer and thicker, I am tanned and everyone loves me. I will be able to wear whatever I want, people will think I am gorgeous and life will just be better. Life is pretty great now, but in my head my life is going to be amazing all the time because I will be skinny.
What? Once I actually talked this over with him, I realised how silly I am being. Nothing is going to change for me.. some people might notice I’ve lost some weight, some people might now. I will still be doing my job, going to uni, doing the housework and living my life. Why does it matter if people find me attractive? I am married to someone that does, isn’t that all that counts.
Why am I killing myself over this? Don’t get me wrong, I love eating well and exercising. I have tonnes of energy, my skin is cleared up and I feel great.. but every time I don’t see that scale move I feel crushed and defeated. I also feel fatter than ever, even though I have lost 30 pounds.
Can anyone relate? Do I have mental health issues (seriously?) or is this how women think? I have associated so much of my self-worth with my image that if I take that away I don’t know what I am left with.