(Closed) Why am I so selfish????

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

the first thing that comes to my mind is, how would her pregnancy keep YOU from having fun at your bachelorette party or shower?

I dont see why her pregnancy would keep you from having fun…..and more than likely she won’t be big enough that her dress can’t be altered to fit.

 i think its just the shock of it. take deep breaths. it will be ok. just a small wrench but it doesn’t really impact any part of your wedding day at all. 😉

Post # 5
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Yeah, agreed! SHE’S the one who won’t be having fun at the bachelorette party. Shower shouldn’t make a difference. She’ll be what 4 months pregnant at the wedding? She probably won’t be showing much at all. To be honest, we all can’t dictate every event in our lives. Your Maid/Matron of Honor and her husband are doing what’s best for their family. If she held off until after your wedding, there may have been another wedding that she would be in, and then what. The only reason I can see being upset is if you’re paying for an open bar and she won’t be drinking her part! Haha. Now you get to be an "aunt!"

Post # 6
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

First off, don’t be upset – 1 you won’t even know she’s pregnant. 2 months pregnant is nothing, and she more then likely won’t even need her dress altered if she already has.

The first reaction you had is a bit normal, I think with all the stress on you right now little things seem to feel much bigger.

One of my BM’s got married on Saturday, and she’s hoping to be pregnant at my wedding. You know what, I’m happy for her. If she is – great. If not, ok. I can’t expect people not to have children simply because I’m getting married. 

You’ll feel better about it in a day – go buy her something cute and baby-ish and have a great time knowing she’s having something great happen to her too!

😉 You’re not selfish (Which is odd I came on to post something about my being selfish and saw your post…WEIRD!)


Post # 7
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

You are entitled to feel however you feel.  However, you have to acknowledge that emotions are inherently irrational. 

Everything stated here is correct- her early pregnancy won’t complicate her being in the wedding, and she can probably still do the bachelorette (people can still have fun without drinking).  So, while you are entitled to your feelings, do your best to keep them in check.  Her family planning doesn’t take a back seat to your wedding. 

Dictating your friend’s schedule for starting a family is being a Bridezilla.  Being disappointed that every minute detail of your wedding events won’t be exactly how you want it is just being a bride.

Post # 8
596 posts
Busy bee

i’m not sure how anger even factors into this equation.  it would never occur to me to have terrible feelings of anger over someone being pregnant…unless she was having my husband’s baby.

i’m not trying to be sarcastic, just trying to put some perspective on the situation! 

Post # 9
87 posts
Worker bee

Perhaps you feel angry because she assured you she wouldn’t try to get pregnant until after the wedding, and then she did?  I understand feeling upset when someone does something they agreed not to.  Frankly, I don’t think she should have said that she wouldn’t try to get pregnant.  But, fwiw this may have been an unplanned pregnancy…or she realized too late that she shouldn’t have said that to you and decided to go ahead anyway because this was the best time for her.  Despite what she told you, she is entitled to make this decision about her life in the way that is best for her.  Try to focus on the positive.  Everyone else has made good points–it really doesn’t have to affect you at all.  You don’t have to worry about her at the bp, it’s not your job to take care of her feelings.  Just have a good time yourself and let her have a good time in her own, alcohol-free way.  The shower won’t be affected (No mimosas for YOU!)  If she’s showing by the wedding, it won’t be so bad that the dress can’t be altered…and yes, try to be happy for her!!  You are going to be an auntie, what’s better than having a new baby in your life?

Post # 10
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I am a little confused – you said she assured you she wouldn’t *try* to get pregnant before the wedding – and then that she assured you that she wouldn’t get pregnant before the wedding.  Those are two really different things.  My sister (like a lot of women) stopped hormonal birth control a year before she wanted to be pregnant (because that’s what the doctors tell you to do – they say it may be up to that long before you’re really fertile again).  She and her hubby were using condoms – and they got pregnant two months after she went off the pill.  They certainly weren’t trying – it was a huge surprise.  And it’s certainly not the first time it has happened – I have a girlfriend who has basically the same story, although without the condom, because she had been on the pill so long that her doctor assured her it would be months before she could get pregnant.  They conceived a week after she stopped taking the pill.  So it’s entirely possible that your Maid/Matron of Honor wasn’t trying, and that she really believed that she wasn’t going to get pregnant, and that it was more than a little bit of a surprise to her too.

As far as her not being able to drink – that’s just how it goes.  It never stopped any of my girlfriends, or my sister from going out and having fun.  I will agree that if your friends are going to be slurring-their-words falling-down-stupid drunk, it’s a drag to be the sober one.  But I don’t see why (short of actual alcoholism) you can’t have just as much fun with a little moderation.  And don’t you usually have one sober person anyway, to drive? 

Yes, things change.  I doubt she got pregnant just to ruin your bachelorette, and she probably has some mixed feelings about the changes in her life as well, so I would try to remember that she’s your good friend, drunk or sober, and just get past it and have a good time.

Post # 11
2 posts
  • Wedding: February 2009

I agree, I’m not sure that my reaction would be anger.  She can still enjoy all your wedding festivities (like a previous comment stated, one does not need to drink to have fun) and be there for you, just like she always was.

Her life and family with her husband should not take a back seat to your wedding plans.  So she said not until the end of the year, but that has changed you you need to just accept it and move on.  Plain and simple as that.  Be happy for her like I’m sure she’s happy for you!

Post # 12
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

The feelings probably comes from a bit of jealousy.  Its hard to share your happiness at the same time someone else is also sharing exciting news.  Especially a baby.  Sometimes I feel like I want to have a baby already just because everyone else does – even though I know I don’t want to yet.  But these are two different life experiences.  Be happy for her as she probably is for you.  My friends Maid/Matron of Honor got pregnant before her wedding, close to the same time frame as you, and she did all the Maid/Matron of Honor things and totally had fun at everything, including the bachelorette party and stayed out until 3am…you can’t assume she won’t want to do anything now.  If she is a good friend, unless its a health issue, she’ll be there for you.

Post # 13
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery

My BFF was 6 mos pregnant at her sister’s bachlorette party and we still had a blasty blast! She just can’t drink, unless there was other debauchery you were planning on…

Post # 14
8 posts

I guarantee that you will still have fun at your bachelorette party. Trust me, one of your other friends will step into the partner in crime role. And she’s an adult and can take care of herself, so you shouldn’t be putting that on yourself.

In my opinion, it’s OK to be disappointed that she won’t be dancing on the bar alongside you, as long as you a. don’t express that to her and b. are happy for her that something wonderful is happening with her as well.

Post # 15
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

You will still have fun — and your Maid/Matron of Honor will too!  My moh will be 5 months prego for my wedding and we are still doing all of the tradtional stuff.  She offered to be the designated driver for the bachelorette party since it is a guarantee that she won’t be drinking!  Let it go.  Most prego women are happy women.

Post # 16
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’d prob feel very similar. I understand about having a sidekick/partner in crime, and this is your last hoorah – It’s not irrational b/c this is your feeling (there is not right or wrong – its how you feel period),  and I think its admirable you are admitting that you are disappointed. 

 I think it comes down to you had an idea of how this would go down – ALL of it, from engagement parties to walking down the aisle. and this friend was/is A BIG PART of it.  I think your disappointment is that this ideal scenario is not playing out the way you want. I’d be disappointed too.  i think its totally understandable on your end…

 At the same time, I’m sure you girlfriend probably feels bad too.  Being your sidekick/partner in crime she must know you really well. She probably didn’t want to disappoint you either. However, life happens… and this is also a big event in her life – and seeing how close you guys are, i’m sure she’d want your support too…

 I say try not to let it ruin things. you can still do the sober fun activities with her and i’m sure you have a ton of friends who’ll be there to help you celebrate in ways that she may not be able to. Just remember, try to walk a mile in her shoes – try to be understanding. It is your day, but this is a big milestone for her to, and ideally i’m sure she’d want you happy for her and for it not to ruin your moment either.

 Maybe as an alternative, you can offer her a rain check "hey after the baby is born and one night when you need some girl time, let’s go out again for our last hoorah type party…" and taht way – you both can have something to look forward to well after the wedding…

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