Post # 1
I could use some unbiased opinions: I’m struggling a little with waiting /timing to propose to my girlfriend.
Backstory: we met 4 years ago, we’re in the same profession. At the time, she had just gotten engaged, and I was in counselling for a rocky marriage that ended 2½ years ago. We had sparks, but nothing happened. Re-connected 16 months ago, both single, and the attraction was electric and the connection deep.
We’re both very career-focused: something that’ been a relationship killer in the past. We’ve done long distance over on 5 different continents and it’s been stress-free and easy, we’ve also spending months together at a time (I asked her to move in with me last fall). We have the company we crave and the space we each need: as easy as breathing.
I had planned to propose in January/February – after we’d been together as a couple for 2 years.
I first told her in April 2018 that I knew she was My One, that I’d never realized love could be so easy: without doubt, making-do, or compromise. I told her then that I will ask her to marry me. At the time, I also stated that I needed to be the one to propose though (it would be a 2nd marriage for me, second engagement for her), and that I would be waiting to propose in a year, with a firm deadline of no more than 2 years for that day.
Since then we’ve talked about being married in a matter-of-fact kind of way: we know it’s our future together.
Basically: up until these past few weeks, I’ve been OK with my Jan/Feb 2020. I custom-designed a ring for her, and expected it to be ready in the fall – but the metalsmith has just emailed me telling me that it will be ready at the end of the month….
Post # 2
If the ring is ready and you are ready, do it!
Good luck with the proposal- whenever you do decide to ask her.
Post # 3
As long as she is ok with speeding up the timeline, go for it.
Post # 4
, I guess I feel a little societal pressure as well. We got together a year after I finally publicly left my marriage. I just worry that I’ll be judged for it being “too soon”? We both have professional images that we need to manage as well.
Post # 5
You are ready, she’s ready, the ring is ready. It’s stupid to wait.
If this will actually damage your professional images so much that it would hurt your careers, I’d argue you weren’t doing a good job of it in the first place. Work isn’t everything. No matter how career driven you are, you can’t let it drive everything.
Post # 6
It’s only 6-7 months ahead of when you were originally planning. What difference does that make in the scheme of things? If people are going to talk shit about you for moving too fast now, they will probably still talk shit in another six months.
The way you describe your relationship – it sounds so healthy and good. Unless you’re having some secret private doubts that you’re not copping to in your OP, I really don’t see a reason to wait!
Post # 7
all that moving up the timeline could possibly (in my most pessimistic what-if thoughts, lead to a bit of gossip instead of “of course, you’re perfect for each other”); but damage? No.
I really value your input though – that’s great. Thanks for the no-nonsense.
a very good consideration. TBH, I felt slightly bad for making it seem that I would just assume she’d be ok too.
Post # 8
tiffanybruiser : thank-you.
Not a single shred of a doubt. Love that feels insane, grows every day. I can’t stop looking at this girl; and I stand taller, prouder for the way she looks at me.
I have given up nothing of my hard-won single life, nor has she: and yet our lives and habits and bodies fit like puzzle peices together.
And we laugh, oh do we ever laugh.
Post # 9
Since you’ve already discussed marriage, why don’t you ask her? It seems it would be fine either way.
Post # 10
I think the professional damage would have already been done. If it was too soon after your marriage ended, the image damage would have occurred when you started dating not when you’re getting engaged. I think a lot of people have the view that marriage makes things more important. Like you’re a flake if you move to be with your girlfriend/boyfriend but devoted if you move for your fiancé(e) or spouse. So marriage is possibly going to help on the image front.
Even if it does hurt your image, there is more to life than work. Your family and friends are the ones who are going to miss you when you die. Your work will have a new advert to replace you out within weeks of your death. Don’t put off something you want for what your colleagues might think.
Post # 11
Honestly, I am probably the lone person in the wait catagory. I knew with FH since our second date, we both did. He was the one. We talked about when we would get married ect.. But it is my second marriage. I would have said yes to him 3 months in. I was in the no engagement till at least 2 years opinion and we waited 3. Because what difference does it make.
There’s the why wait if you know crowd and I’m in the, if you know, you know, so why not wait. If you want to marry each other now, you’ll want to later. Why hurry? What will change in 6 months. Enjoy being together and being in love. Engagement brings a whole new honeymoon phase so why not wait.
You have the rest of your lives!
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Omg so exciting!!! Your story gives me goose bumps lol. Sounds like the love that my fh and I have for eachother, the giggles, the wonderful laughs, the butterflies stills and the wanting to be together forever. So happy for you. I say just do it. I think the waiting would kill you knowing you have the ring lol. It doesn’t matter what other people think, it matter’s how the two of you feel. When couple’s know they know. My fh was never ever ever going to get married ( this will be his first) and I wasn’t going to get married again but when we found eachother and fell in love we knew it was right. And so our story began and we will be married on Sept 7th of this year. I wish you to all the best.
Post # 13
As the crabby old Elder States Bee, my advice is to never make any decisions, big or small based on “other people “.
Unfortunately, there are those walking among us whose pathetic little lives are so terribly wretched that they feel compelled to judge the lives of others. Whatever you think, do, or say, there is someone lurking about, just waiting for the chance to comment derisively about it. Probably not to your face, of course. It’s way funner to talk smack behind your back.
I just bought the most non age appropriate, peach satin, high wedgies with sparklies on them. Gawd, they are so friggin cute. Yesterday was their maiden public foray. I wore them to dh’s doctor. Every. Single. Person. I talked to loved my shoes. I mean like, crazy, OTT love.
See what happens when you just don’t give a rat’s ass?
No doubt, some people who said nothing were probably horrified. Why would I care?
Could the opinion(s) of a few trolls really do serious damage to your careers?
You sound crazy in love and at the same time, truly well matched.
Do what will make the two of you happy. Try to let go of other people .
Post # 14
If you would feel more comfortable waiting, then keep your original deadline. I’m assuming she doesn’t know there’s a possibility the date is moved up sooner. I’m sure your circles know you’re very serious, so if society/outsiders judge you for moving on and being engaged after a year, then that’s their problem.
Post # 15
If you propose at the end of the month it’s not like you have to get married the next day. As long as you’re both on the same page and you know she wants to marry you then you can propose early and just have a longer engagement (so you’d still get married around the same time you planned).