Post # 16
Yeah… I voted “why wait,” but then I read your comments, OP. I think waiting two years is wise. It sounds like it’s still chemicals and infatuation. Your language “a love that is insane…”
well, enjoy the love, wait, get through the honeymoon phase and then the power struggle phase, individuate, and build the love again that isn’t a big rush of urgent mind-drugs.
You asked, so that’s my advice with no sugar coating. The high doesn’t last. The real stuff does and there’s NO need to marry in a hurry.
Post # 17
anonymousbee001 : thanks ^_^
loz24 : good perspective, yes. Thank-you. There was a flurry of chatter: both supportive and just, I guess gossippy when we got together. I thought a year after wouldn’t attract attention, but hey – I never considered that getting engaged might incur less chatter?
elodie2019 : I love this. Thank-you. Thankyou thankyou thankyou. Means a lot from a 2nd-time wed.
Post # 18
thanks & congrats!
Epic words, thanks elder Bee. “Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.” Yeah girl!
our timeline is simply “before April next year”, beyond that no, I haven’t said exactly when. I also want to propose publicly and flashy – make it special. We both enjoy a big fuss, and this girl is worth shouting my love loud and proud.
also true. We only have an engagement timeline at this point too. Hmm
Post # 19
Getting old helps. The older you get, the more ridiculous other peoples’ opinions of you sound. It becomes increasingly obvious that other people know nothing about you or your life, rendering their opinions worthless.
Dude, life is short. You can choose to spend it worrying about what other people are thinking/saying about you. Or, you can make the choice to focus your energy on the ones you love and doing what you enjoy.
Post # 20
thank you. This is the kind of tough love, you-should-know-better insight that I really appreciate.
thanks, that is. So. True. Just why is it so hard to do?
Post # 21
Lots of self talk, my dear. You’ll get there.
And, though it seems contradictory, it also helps to keep in mind that people are into their own crap. They don’t give us as much thought as we’re convinced they do.
Post # 22
FWIW, I WOULD stick to the original plan and wait the two years out as I agree with what the previous poster said. It sounds like a nice high right now, from which the eventual low is guaranteed.
That said, how do you think she would respond if the proposal was moved forward? Would she be ecstatic? If you know this to be true, and you yourself ARE ready emotionally, mentally and whatever else you think is necessary to take the next step forward then go ahead and get planning.
Marriage is, at the end of the day, between two people. Everyone else grabs their coats and maybe their kids and leaves after the reception and takes their yakkity yak yak with them. Your being happily married for years will shut them up eventually. If you know thats going to be the two of you, and you are both happy, and ready, isnt that what matters the most….?
Edited as I had butchered the guaranteed word.
Post # 23
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
If your only reason for waiting is concern over professional commentary, you can get engaged and not tell anyone right away.
It’s fundamentally nobody’s beeswax. You can definitely get engaged without making an announcement or broadcasting your business at work.
Post # 24
- Wedding: June 2022 - Louisville, Ky
As another lesbian, please let me scream this to you in all caps: WAIT!!!
Not to ignore your individuality, but you KNOW that as a group we fall in love hard and fast (we all have that friend who married someone that met 6 months prior and then divorced a year later). Waiting til the two year mark is SO logical and if she’s really the one then she isn’t going anywhere! Take the time, ride out the honeymoon phase first, THEN dive in the deep end.
Post # 25
I agree. It’s a HUGE decision and should not be swayed by matters like a ring arriving earlier than planned.
If the relationship is right, waiting a bit will have no adverse effect. The fall-out from not waiting long enough could be much worse. It is beyond me why people rush this (not the OP specifically, more of a general comment).
Post # 26
*sigh* This is so beautiful to read.
I’m a cautious person, so I’m always on the side of “let the dust settle a bit” before making any life-altering decisions. Infatuation is intoxicating, but once you’ve gone through some truly difficult shit and had some healthy disagreements, that’s when the real love starts to hit air and it’s this entirely different, slow-burn kind of awesome! However, if you really feel like this girl makes you want to stick it out regardless of any degree of difficulty, that’s to be celebrated and who am I to tell you to wait?
On the public image subject, I don’t know if you would be comfortable with this, but you are under no obligation to announce anything right away. You could get engaged (just the two of you) and spend a couple of months enjoying the intimacy of your professed intentions before braodcasting it. Of course, you love this woman and you want to shout it from the rooftops. I’m tempted to just say FUCK ‘EM, but for me part of saying FUCK ‘EM also means maintaining my own sense of privacy. If you’re truly concerned about how everyone else’s opinions might impact the two of you (God forbid it chips away at the relationship), you could take the opportunity to hunker down with your SO for the next few months (sort of like an engagement honeymoon!) and get comfortable with being engaged before doing anything that involves other people. That isn’t to say you should go out of your way to hide things (that would also violate the FUCK ‘EM rule), but engagement is a very private thing, despite our culture’s dependency on social media and just gossip in general. No one has the right to know the details of your life unless you choose to share them, and you are under no obligation to do that if you feel that it will detract from your happiness.
(premature) Congratulations to you and your lady!!
Post # 27
yes. Love this. *fist bumps and yaaasss*
Y E S. Thank you for picking up on that – no lie, that sterotype is the other enormous
part of why I am hesitating on moving up my timeline.
It feels open, intimate, safe, secure and open. I feel comfortable authentically myself, able to express all my feelings as well as take ownership of them. It hasn’t been all roses either, we’ve had to deal with some sh*t, mistakes/missteps but we’ve worked through, truly forgiven, and accepted. But that could also me be trying to justify my feels. Ha!
Very glad to have this space to share & advice from Bees
Post # 28
You said my magic word: authentically.
That means everything to me in a relationship. Everything. There just is no better place to be than with a partner with whom we feel we can be our authentic selves. This is indeed something precious.
Ideally, we choose our friends the same way.
The vibe I get from your posts feels authentic and loving. I really want to say “go for it”; the world be damned. Not that I really believe that world is all that invested in the outcome here. But, you know your situation far better than I.
Many decades from now; on your deathbed, which will you regret more? Jumping into engagement too soon? Or waiting longer than you really wanted to?
Perspective is everything.
Post # 29
I know she’d be ecstatic. The longer timeline is my choice, not hers.
Heck, I was back from a really sweaty run the other day, stripped in the laundry room and did my best nude catwalk right past her on the way to the shower. As I’m walking up the stairs, she hollers “MARRY ME” – it’s a bit of a running joke, that’s honestly at least the 20th time she’s proposed. Make me grin ear-to-ear thinking about it.
And so, in that way, I’m enjoying where we are at in the pre-engagement place of togetherness.
I am basking the security of knowing where we stand, of sharing this sense of fulfillment, of gratitude-for-the-now, hope-and-unshakeable beleif in my future / our future.
true also, thank-you. It would be no business other than our own: however, when I do propose formally I will be doing it in a large, public display – because that is the kind of people we both are.
I have no deeper insight into the why
I (or people in general) feel like rushing: that feeling of want this so badly, must-have-it-now. Except maybe that we are all the kind of people who are in danger of failing the marriage-marshmallow test.
But I freely admit that is exactly how I feel. Logical? No. But the feeling is there, and I acknowledge that I feel this way.
Post # 30
thank-you, belatedly. Just listening to a new School of Life youtube video, and it reminded me of your words ^_^