Why am I waiting to propose?

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
  • poll: What to do?
    Wait until 2 years together (because what is a few months vs. the rest of our lives) : (14 votes)
    20 %
    Why wait, when I know this is it? : (56 votes)
    80 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    626 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2020

    Yeah… I voted “why wait,” but then I read your comments, OP. I think waiting two years is wise. It sounds like it’s still chemicals and infatuation. Your language “a love that is insane…”

    well, enjoy the love, wait, get through the honeymoon phase and then the power struggle phase, individuate, and build the love again that isn’t a big rush of urgent mind-drugs. 

    You asked, so that’s my advice with no sugar coating. The high doesn’t last. The real stuff does and there’s NO need to marry in a hurry. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    10456 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    leztrythisagain :  

    Getting old helps.  The older you get, the more ridiculous other peoples’ opinions of you sound. It becomes increasingly obvious that other people know nothing about you or your life, rendering their opinions worthless.

    Dude, life is short.  You can choose to spend it worrying about what other people are thinking/saying about you. Or, you can make the choice to focus your energy on the ones you love and doing what you enjoy.

    Post # 21
    Member
    10456 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    leztrythisagain :  

    Lots of self talk, my dear. You’ll get there.

    And, though it seems contradictory, it also helps to keep in mind that people are into their own crap.  They don’t give us as much thought as we’re convinced they do.

    Post # 22
    Member
    293 posts
    Helper bee

    leztrythisagain :  FWIW, I WOULD stick to the original plan and wait the two years out as I agree with what the previous poster said. It sounds like a nice high right now, from which the eventual low is guaranteed. 

    That said, how do you think she would respond if the proposal was moved forward? Would she be ecstatic? If you know this to be true, and you yourself ARE ready emotionally, mentally and whatever else you think is necessary to take the next step forward then go ahead and get planning.

    Marriage is, at the end of the day, between two people. Everyone else grabs their coats and maybe their kids and leaves after the reception and takes their yakkity yak yak with them. Your being happily married for years will shut them up eventually. If you know thats going to be the two of you, and you are both happy, and ready, isnt that what matters the most….?

    Edited as I had butchered the guaranteed word.

    Post # 23
    Member
    2209 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

    leztrythisagain :  If your only reason for waiting is concern over professional commentary, you can get engaged and not tell anyone right away. 

    It’s fundamentally nobody’s beeswax. You can definitely get engaged without making an announcement or broadcasting your business at work. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    164 posts
    Blushing bee

    As another lesbian, please let me scream this to you in all caps: WAIT!!!

    Not to ignore your individuality,  but you KNOW that as a group we fall in love hard and fast (we all have that friend who married someone that met 6 months prior and then divorced a year later).  Waiting til the two year mark is SO logical and if she’s really the one then she isn’t going anywhere! Take the time,  ride out the honeymoon phase first,  THEN dive in the deep end. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    302 posts
    Helper bee

    elodie2019 :  I agree. It’s a HUGE decision and should not be swayed by matters like a ring arriving earlier than planned.

    If the relationship is right, waiting a bit will have no adverse effect. The fall-out from not waiting long enough could be much worse. It is beyond me why people rush this (not the OP specifically, more of a general comment).

     

    Post # 26
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee

    *sigh* This is so beautiful to read.

    I’m a cautious person, so I’m always on the side of “let the dust settle a bit” before making any life-altering decisions. Infatuation is intoxicating, but once you’ve gone through some truly difficult shit and had some healthy disagreements, that’s when the real love starts to hit air and it’s this entirely different, slow-burn kind of awesome! However, if you really feel like this girl makes you want to stick it out regardless of any degree of difficulty, that’s to be celebrated and who am I to tell you to wait?

    On the public image subject, I don’t know if you would be comfortable with this, but you are under no obligation to announce anything right away. You could get engaged (just the two of you) and spend a couple of months enjoying the intimacy of your professed intentions before braodcasting it. Of course, you love this woman and you want to shout it from the rooftops. I’m tempted to just say FUCK ‘EM, but for me part of saying FUCK ‘EM also means maintaining my own sense of privacy. If you’re truly concerned about how everyone else’s opinions might impact the two of you (God forbid it chips away at the relationship), you could take the opportunity to hunker down with your SO for the next few months (sort of like an engagement honeymoon!) and get comfortable with being engaged before doing anything that involves other people. That isn’t to say you should go out of your way to hide things (that would also violate the FUCK ‘EM rule), but engagement is a very private thing, despite our culture’s dependency on social media and just gossip in general. No one has the right to know the details of your life unless you choose to share them, and you are under no obligation to do that if you feel that it will detract from your happiness.

    (premature) Congratulations to you and your lady!!

    Post # 28
    Member
    10456 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    leztrythisagain :  

    You said my magic word:  authentically.

    That means everything to me in a relationship.  Everything.  There just is no better place to be than with a partner with whom we feel we can be our authentic selves.  This is indeed something precious.

    Ideally, we choose our friends the same way.

    The vibe I get from your posts feels authentic and loving.  I really want to say “go for it”; the world be damned. Not that I really believe that world is all that invested in the outcome here.  But, you know your situation far better than I.

    Many decades from now; on your deathbed, which will you regret more? Jumping into engagement too soon? Or waiting longer than you really wanted to?

    Perspective is everything.

     

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