(Closed) Why are my younger sister and mother not emotional?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
2222 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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styjen :  my aunt died last year. I’ve had a few relatives die but this is the death that knocked me the most. When she died I was in shock. I cried out of complete shock when I got the call at work saying I had to go to the hospital but I didn’t cry again until on my home from the funeral. It doesn’t mean it didn’t affect me. That her death doesn’t still affect me over a year later. My family didn’t see me cry, just my husband and some rather surprised colleagues at work.

I was in shock. She should not be dead. It was like some sick, surreal dream. She’d been doing fucking cartwheels at my wedding a few weeks earlier so how was she dead? Aside from the shock, I was angry. So gaddamn angry. I hated the sudden outpouring of grief from people who weren’t there for her and didn’t actually care. Someone I went to primary school who knew my aunt because she worked at day care where her daughter went – posted a fb status about how fucking heartbroken she was my aunt died. On top of the anger and the shock, shit needed to be done. My grandparents had watched their child die and not for the first time either. My mum had watched her sister die, again not for the first time. A little girl had lost her mum. I needed to make sure these people were ok, which meant I couldn’t fall apart. I needed to make sure my grandparents ate, my mum didn’t run herself into the ground, her daughter was ok. I had my husband to lean on and help me but they only had each other and me, so someone needed to keep it together.

On the four hour journey home from the funeral I started crying. Hysterically. My husband asked if I wanted him to pull over and I said no because I just wanted to get home. So I sat there crying until my ribs hurt and throats hurt in the passenger seat of the car while my husband tried his best to comfort me but also get us home safely. It’s not odd as fuck to not cry in the time between a person dying and their funeral. It’s not odd as fuck to not break down in front of people or even carry on as normal because sometimes you’re the person that needs to keep it together.

Post # 47
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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Sansa85 :  Thank you.  My husband is awesome.  He was super close to my dad too.  He’s not much of a crier but he did cry at his services.  I was “the rock” that day and he was mine when my grief hit me later.

OP, if you’re even reading these responses I also want to say that just because people aren’t sitting around in extreme grief and going about their day doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  I’m a teacher and I didn’t have the luxury of taking time off.  Part of working through the sadness and giref is keeping busy and I found it actually easier to be at work rather than my parents’ home where there were reminders everywhere.  Life goes on and my dad would not want me wallowing around in sorrow.  My mom stayed busy with her friends and job but she told me she cried herself to sleep a lot.

If your grief is such that you cannot move on, then maybe you need to seek out a grief support group.  It’s fine to be sad, but you also have to live your life.

Post # 48
3004 posts
Sugar bee

I grieve in private. I do not cry in public.  Your mom and sister may be like me.  

Also, when someone dies, there is a lot of work to me done – arranging funerals, legal stuff, coordinating with attorneys, hospital/hospice paperwork, countless phone calls to attorneys, medical providers, insurance companies, financial institions, thank you cards to write (for flowers/memorial donations), etc.  It wouldn’t surprise me if your mom and sister have been too busy dealing with all of this to do anything else.

Let’s reverse the situation. How would you feel if your sistter posted something like this on a message board?  “My grandmother passed away after a long illness, and while I miss her dreadfully, she is at peace, now.  My mom and I have been working nonstop to arrange the funeral, deal with tons of friends/relatives who have popped in to pay their respects, sorting through grandma’s legal affairs and notifying her bank/credit card/insurance companyand meeting with her attorneys. Meanwhile, my overly dramtic sister is going around crying non-stop and being a drama queen. What’s wrong with her, can’t she see that we need her help?”

Post # 49
322 posts
Helper bee

I don’t cry when I’m sad. I rarely cry at all, and when I do (literally once every few years or so), it’s usually because I’m overly frustrated at something. I worked at a veterinarian clinic for 4 years. We performed hundreds of euthanasias, some on pets that I’d known and loved for years (including co-worker’s pets). I never cried once. I didn’t cry when my grandpa died and he helped to raise me. I also don’t cry at happy occasions. I’ve never cried at a wedding. It’s just now I am, and tt doesn’t mean I’m not sad. For me personally, it’s pointless to be dramatic about it. You do you. If you need a great cry, I’m not judging and I understand that that’s how some people function. My opinion is in regards to myself only, and I wanted to give you the perspective of someone who’s more like your mom and sister.

Post # 50
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

OP, you were out of line with your sister and her response to you was perfect. It seems that you can’t understand that others may react differently from you, and that this doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. If you can’t see beyond your own experience, you can’t have empathy for others, which is a sad thing. You respond by apologizing and understanding that there are others in the universe besides yourself.

Post # 51
1968 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Wow. Just wow. That’s very judgy over something people can not control. 

My mother died this year. I cried once because I was tired, frustrated, angry over my asshole father making my life harder, I was not crying over her.  I do not cry. Death is not something that will make me cry, people die. It’s life. It sucks, but it happens. I did what needed to be done during my mothers death and then it was over. I will not cry over it. 

Now, I will cry over my pets. They are a unconditional love unlike humans. 

Post # 52
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“Most normal people grieve with tears at a funeral.”

Simply false and can be dismissed.

Post # 53
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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mimivac :  StyJen is crazy or a troll. most of what she says can be easily dismissed 

Post # 54
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

I didn’t shed a single tear at my mom’s wake or funeral or in front of anyone ever. We were close as close gets. They’re grieving. They’re just not doing it the way they show it on the movies. 

Dont ask them again. At all. Incredibly rude and disrespectful.

Post # 55
11389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I see the resident rage monster is insulting every single bee again, as she does in most of her replies. We are all psychopaths now. Seems totes legit and totes not a new user name with an axe to grind. Lolz.🤔

Anyway… I, too, do not cry often and certainly not in public. My beloved grandmother passed away and although I spent many work vacations flying across the country to see her, when she died I had to work. I worked until the end of the day and then, hours later, broke down. But then I went back to work. 

I tear up when I pass her pic on my fridge sometimes. I miss her something fierce. 

But I do not cry in public. 

If someone suggested to me that I didn’t care, which is what the psychopath comment suggests, or judged me for grieving the way I do, I would just know they are either really immature or – insert ignorant, misinformed internet diagnoses here- neither of which I have time for. 



Post # 56
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’ve never cried at a funeral. I will cry at the movies, reading a book or at a commercial but in a situation like a funeral? Nope. I think it’s because I’m on alert and I’m more worried about everyone around me. I like to focus on tasks and to be honest, funerals can feel very artificial to me (fortunately I haven’t been to many). 

You know when I do cry? When a memory comes out of nowhere that makes me really miss someone like at Christmas. I do a lot of grieving at Christmas because i reflect on the past and I get sad for those I’m not sharing this time with. 

Do not judge your family for how hey react. Quite frankly, it’s none of your business and you seem a bit high and mighty about this.

Post # 57
5057 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m really not sure where this “normal people cry at funerals” comes from.  There is no “normal” particularly with grieving and the people who think that are likely very inexperienced and sheltered when it comes to interacting with the diversity of people at large and the vast array of human experience and emotions.  I’ve attended 6 funerals in the last two years and I can only recall less than a handful of people crying at the funerals.  I’m usually the oddball out actually crying, but I also cry at game shows and experience has actually shown me my crying is the minority response at funerals.  Funerals are usually about honoring the life they led, sharing memories, and connecting with others who also loved them.  Or, maybe just 99% of the people I know are psychopaths, including the 200 people at the church honoring a beloved woman who dedicated her life to service, her daughter who gave a beautiful eulogy, and grandchildren who recited scripture.  If they cried at the funeral, it wasn’t witnessed by anyone I know.  Funerals are not all soap opera hysterics wailing while throwing yourself atop the casket.  Grief, like any emotion, is not one size fits all.

Post # 58
7660 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people have tears; others do not. Some people want to talk about it; others do not. But what you can absolutely depend on is that your mum was closer to your grandmother than you were and you have absolutely no right to judge her. Her mourning is her business, and she doesn’t owe you any explanation. How incredibly young, immature and inexperienced are you to assume that your reaction is universal and correct? The assumptions you make are mind boggling, and you owe your sister an apology (and you owe your mum an apology if you said anything to her, as well). 

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