(Closed) Why are older ladies so rude about young brides?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Some people simply have a negative view of divorce, and with the divorce rate that exists, there is good reason.

Every marriage is different. I got married at 18 years old and a lot of my friends got married before turning 21. I do not know a single one that is still with their first husband. Many of us have since remarried. People do continue to grow and change throughout life and sometimes I think people merely grow too far apart to stay married. Of course it does not mean ALL young newlyweds will eventually divorce!

Post # 48
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Jacqui90:  Well, since their brains haven’t fully developed…they’re not quite adults.  But I’m JOKING.  I do not really think any government should pass laws restricting the rights of people under the age of 25.  I really had to say that, didn’t I?  Sigh.

Post # 49
Member
7551 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@peachacid:  Lol ok, yeah I knew you were joking about that part, I just thought you were serious about them being kids part. And yes they are still adults, even if their brains aren’t fully developed.

Post # 50
Member
776 posts
Busy bee

Hmm.. this is super interesting to me!

I was 21 when I first got engaged and that ended in divorce. People used to say to me all the time that they couldn’t believe I was getting married so young and I should wait. I used to think they were so rude and didn’t know what they were talking about… and then I would list off the reasons why I’m so mature and ready for marriage. Yeah, no, I totally wasn’t ready and those reasons were not valid enough to make a marriage work. Just because I lived alone and had a real job it did not make me mature enough to get married. 

I’m not bitter about my divorce at all, not one single tiny bit. I believe in marriage 110% and I would never tell anyone I don’t know not to get married. However, if someone I am close to is in their early 20s and is considering marriage, you bet your ass I’ll be telling them to wait until they’re at least 25. I know I didn’t really start growing up and maturing until then and same goes for most of my friends. Everyone in my group who got married or lived with someone before 25 is no longer with that person, and they have all moved on to something much better and way more suited to them.

So, no, I don’t think it all comes from a place of bitterness and resentfulness, I think a lot of it comes from wisdom and life experience and a genuine level of caring. I’ve already seen plenty of younger brides on this site (who I would never name so don’t ask) who are clearly not mature enough for marriage but still think they are. I guess this is when it’s better to keep your mouth shut and let people make their own mistakes.

Post # 51
Member
7384 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I get this from men, actually–mostly divorced ones.

However, I feel like I’m one of those “older ladies” who is “rude about younger brides,” and it’s because I remember myself in my late teens/early 20s.

Post # 52
Member
1693 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@michiru4ever:  i think people should stop focusing on divorce rates. who cares what happened to other relationships? it’s your’s that’s the most important. if you know you want to be with your SO for the rest of your life and you both go into it with the mindset that you will work on any issues that come up and not just throw in the towel (excluding things like abuse of course) then that’s all that matters. i see your wedding date is this saturday. congrats and enjoy your day! don’t let what other people say get to you. they’re only focused on the negative. FWIW, i’m 33 and got married when i was 32. i don’t know if that puts me in the “older” crowd or not but i’m definitely not in the younger crowd.

Post # 53
Member
313 posts
Helper bee

@michiru4ever:  I hate this, I’m not even engaged but whenever someone my age gets engaged, everyone always makes comments about how they’re not going to last, etc.  I ADMIT I’m jealous but I don’t start making comments like that! lol

Post # 54
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@rachelmichelle:  Thank you for clarifying my post:  “The website is saying that out of all married women who ended up getting a divorce, 27.6% of them were under the age of 20 when they got married.”  (And that number drops the longer you wait.)

That was the point I was trying to make, but alas, I am not an expect in stats with teach social sciences and I appreciate your clarification!!  This does not change the main point of my post, though.

Post # 55
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i am pretty sure the major reason why marriages end in divorce is for lack of trying as a couple.  SOOO many people just get married and stop trying (looks, communication, being lovey, doing special things) and let life get in the way. i mean that is how it looks to me and i know a lot of midaged couples.  I have always been told the key to a happy marriage is trust, communication, and not letting the dating part EVER leave because you should still date your husband/wife. 

 

I have also been told so many times that i am far too young to be getting married ( i just turned 24 but look like i am 17/18).  and yes i am going to say i am mature for my age but i have my reasons as to why i am. i was born with a genetic disease with a life expectancy of 13 and now the expectancy is 37.5 so i have never planned on getting married because i did not think i would get to that point. BUT ive never been a partyer and i have always done the safe things i think that is just who i am.  You know you have found the one when he stays through the bad and embraces the good times.  It is not a matter of age but how together you are as a person i think.

 

 

Post # 56
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Some people just need to be [read: think they are always] right, and they need to share it with the world. Wherever they’re coming from – a bad divorce, a lack of relationship at that point in their lives, a general immaturity at whatever age – it does not necessarily apply to you, so just brush them off. You deserve the right to make your own decisions, cause once you’re an adult, your life is your life. Live it according to your own decisions, not some strangers’.

If you were saying “all the close, older individuals in my life are questioning this!” I would definitely encourage you to listen and evaluate what they were saying, but strangers (and faceless people on the internet)? Please. There is nothing to be gained from being someone else’s insecurity-driven punching bag.

Post # 57
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Rock Hugger:  Gotcha! For the most part, I agree.

However, I would point out that we’d have to look at the causation for those statistics (not just the correlation). Is there such a high representation from groups of younger women because they are more likely to divorce, or is it simply because more women are getting married in that age range to begin with?

I think it’s a combination of both. Based on stats from the National Center of Health Statistics, there is a slight difference between divorce rates for pre-25 marriages and post-25 marriages (though it’s not as big a disparity as most people think- only about 10 percentage points).

However, if you also look at the sample, if 65% of women get married *before* they turn 25 (just making up a number as an example) and 35% of women get married *after* 25, then of course you’re going to have more divorces coming from the under-25 category, just because there are so many more marriages in that age group to begin with.

Post # 58
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think the older women just don’t have a filter!! lol

I’m 30, the last of my friends to get married and while some joke “Are you sure you want to do this?” most are thinking “FINALLY!”

 

While I technically wouldn’t call myself “OLD” I understand why those ladies scoff. But they’re really just being mean and over the top about it. I personally didn’t understand who I was at 21 so I certainly can’t imagine finding my perfect mate at that age. But that’s just me.

I have learned a lot from watching all my friends who got married before me;  I know that you (as well as any newly married couple) are going to have a learning curve. Yours might just be a bit steeper.  The two of you are going to have to learn and grow together and sometimes that’s difficult.  Just have patience and always remember why you got married in the first place! 🙂

 

Congrats and good luck!!

 

P.S. Maybe you can make a joke about it next time you see a “scoff” coming on!? Like “yes, I’m only 21… but I’m going on 40!” If you’re confident about it, people will certainly back off.

Post # 59
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@michiru4ever:  I agree and I find it very inappropriate. Statistics or no, it is highly rude to imply this generalization. I do think it has a lot to do with location. Fiance and I are from Florida and as the average marriage age is higher there, you will get a lot of it! 😛 Completely different fom the atmosphere of TN where it is very accepted and honestly, haven’t encountered anyone near rude enough to go across manners like that. 

Also, I’m with you about the dragging a man cake toppers and what it says about women. As if its impossible a man could make that choice or a woman can be pressured by a man to get married! 

Post # 60
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Everyone matures at a different rate and their are advantages to getting married at different ages.  I am forty and just got engaged.  I have had a super cool life up till now one that is completely differrent from if I had gotten married.  I dated a lot of fun people, travelled the world, got to experience things most people never will but I also gave up having children and all those years building a relationship with my Fiance.   I am not 100% sure I made the right trade but I know I am genuinely happy where I am now and I have been happy up to now too!

Don’t let people bother you anymore then peoples opinions on anything in your life.   It is rude of them to comment and while I could never have done it my fi has a 21 year old daughter who I would whole heartedly support getting married!

So big hugs and Congratulations!  Maybe when they say that you could ask, “why wouls you say such a mean thing?”  Let them be on the defensive instead of offensive.

Post # 61
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Jacqui90:  Peachaid does have a point about being a “developed adult.” Yes, they are legally adults, but from a human development standpoint they are not. That’s where she is coming from. Until your brain is finished mylenation, you are not technically an adult. Typically that is around 24/25 for women and as late as 28-29 for men. It’s a science perspective. You are still consdired a “youth” or “juvenile” until said development is complete.

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