(Closed) Why are older ladies so rude about young brides?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Hostess
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@vorpalette:  me too sometimes.  Although I’m not old old (28) but I know how I acted when I was 20 and I was a hot hot mess. I may think it, but I would never say it especially to a total stranger at her bachlorette party!

Post # 78
Member
7384 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Lily_of_the_valley:  I was definitely a hot mess at that age, and all I did was work and play video games! But no, I would never say something like that to someone unless prompted/asked/or something was going on in the relationship.

Post # 79
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I was a young bride.  People would ask how long we were married and then ask my age.  So I would just say, “Yep, we are one of THOSE young couples!”

Now, I have been married over 20 years, and we proved them all wrong.  Laughing  You can too!

Post # 80
Member
3479 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Ha, I’m almost 30 and people still tell me, half joking usually, “Don’t get married. Your life will be over.”

That sucks.

Post # 81
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I feel like people telling others they shouldn’t get married some what fuels them for a potential divorce..

If people told you all the time “don’t get married you will get a divorce”. “Your too young”.Etc. when you get in a fight the first thing you would think of : was everyone right? Am I too young? Should we just get a divorce?…

If everyone was genuinely excited for you. Told you “marriage is the best thing ever”, “it’s hard work but so worth it”,etc.. You get into a fight. You would work through your problems because “”marriage is the best thing ever”, “it’s hard worth but is worth it”. Not “we’ll your just going to get a divorce anyways”…

Okay hopefully people aren’t that quick to divorce but I really think it has an influence.

I do also think people are going to have opinions about everything, your weight, having kids, where you work, etc. and getting married is 100% your choice so it’s easier to doubt yourself when people make comments.

Post # 82
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee

Not sure what age range “older ladies” are for you but I got married in my late 20’s so I never got that. I think it is completely rude for someone to say “don’t do it!” when talking about your upcoming marriage. They should mind their own business unless you come out as ask if they think you are too young to get married. 

With that said.. a lot of people will offer their words of wisdom to young brides and I think it is beneficial to listen to the people who are really trying to offer advice because lots of concerns come up, even to me when it comes to young brides. But people who are outright rude like that- just brush it off. Misery loves company.

Post # 83
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Don’t listen to divorce rate statistics– they aren’t accurate. The divorce rate isn’t 50%… you can read about it here…

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/19/health/19divo.html

 

I am young bride also. My fiance and I will both be 20 when we get married in July. Most people are very supportive, but I have had random strangers be EXTREMELY rude to me, telling me I’m crazy and too young, etc. I work in a nursing home, and most of the people there were married when they were 18 or so, and talk all the time about how they love their spouse just as much as the da they married them.

Also I’ve found that most of the people who are rude are divorced, whereas the people who are supportive are happily married. Why take the advice of someone whose own marriage failed??

Post # 84
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@michiru4ever:  Divorce rates for people who marry young (especially their first loves and high school sweethearts) are much higher. I think they’re trying to tell you that getting married really young is a mistake, and something you’ll regret. They think that you haven’t experienced what it’s like to be with other people and gained experiences from that.

I’m not saying that’s my opinion, but sometimes when I’m on the ‘bee and I read about really young brides in their early twenties marrying their first loves, I do have to wonder how many of those marriages are going to end in divorce. I know they all say ‘I’m so mature!’ but everyone thinks they’re mature at that age, and if anything it’s sort of a sign of immaturity that you consider yourself to be really mature and experienced. 

Obviously how old you are doesn’t necessarily factor into how good your marriage is, but the younger you are the less prepared you are. Ultimately though it comes down to two people, their relationship dynamic, and a set of circumstances. 

Post # 85
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I would likely have a conversation with someone close to me who was choosing to get married very young. I do not think it’s a good idea to marry young in nearly every circumstance, so there is no way I could keep quiet if I cared about someone.

However, it’s a different ball game to make comments to random people. That’s awfully rude.

Post # 86
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I luckly haven’t had any of this. I’m 25 so maybe it’s just that I’m not young enough to be badgered, but everyone in our lives (including several very bitter divorcees) were super happy for us when we announced our engagement. I’m sorry that the people in your life are being shitty.

Post # 87
Member
6386 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t think it’s limited to younger brides, I think it’s just people that have been divorced and are bitter about it.  Whenever I hear someone say something like “you shouldn’t get married,” I hear it as “I shouldn’t get married to the person who is saying this.”

 

Post # 88
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

This subject seems to come up fairly often here.

I don’t think in most cases, it’s bitterness, in my opinion projection in the most common reason…because they weren’t ready when they were younger, they think you aren’t ready. (I married at age 29 & I’m still married (at 57) – I wasn’t ready to get married any earlier. My own daughter married this past year at 25 (her date is above)- she was ready at a younger age than I was. Initially I was surprised that she’d marry younger than I did but then I realized everyone is different.)

There are a number of factors that can make marriage at a younger age more challenging – if you are younger you are more likely to have less education, be less established financially and less likely to have lived on your own.

However, there are young brides for which this doesn’t apply at all and older couples can have these factors too (and some couples can succeed even with these factors). People are individuals and you can’t judge the health of relationship by the age of the two people in it.

I think it’s extremely rude of these people to say something like that to a total stranger. They don’t know you or your Fiance and have no right to make comments.

Post # 89
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I got this from my mum before I was with my Fiance – she got married at 34 and she would always tell me there was no sense in marrying young, you should live your life first, etc.

I was 22 when I got engaged and have never heard a negative word from her about it! I think she just REALLY hated my ex and didn’t want me to even consider marriage with him (fair enough, she turned out to be right about him).

Post # 90
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think the whole 50% divorce rates is awful, but it’s a two sided thing, Older people see young people getting married as “young dumb and in love” but I’ve also known a few older women that got married specifically because they wanted kids, I noticed someone posted that most of the divorce rates are coming from younger people getting married, but I really don’t see how that’s the case.  I was 18 when I got married, we got engaged the day after I turned 18, my DH is 24. And I hate to be that person, but look at the divorce rates from 50 or so years ago, it was extremely low because divorce was so insanely frowned upon, so it wasn’t an option for couples going through rough patches. If most people actually went back a couple of generations they would see that it’s only really been since around the 90’s that it started to be the norm to not be married until your 30’s, if you go up to couples that are in their 70’s/80’s I’m betting you’ll hear a lot of “we got married in our early 20’s”  

So basically, we are a society nowadays where if a couple that’s let’s say are 25 have a baby, most people will be saying “why didn’t they get married?” but if they just get married without having a kid.. “Oh noo they’re far to young to be getting married” 

Post # 91
Hostess
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Im 25 and people STILL tell me I’m too young.

What’s funny is when my grandmother tells me these things.. yet her mother was pregnant and marred with her at 14! I’m not sure where it comes from!

In my opinion, if you aren’t living off mommy & daddy, have your own life started, can support youself, and found the man of your dreams, you’re ready.

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