Why are some marriages short after many years of dating?

posted 5 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

What we see is the public face of a relationship. We have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.

My cousin was with the father of her children for 10 years. They had two kids together. He proposed one Christmas, they married in September by Christmas he has walked out for another woman. He hadn’t wanted to go through with the marriage, but didn’t have the balls to stop it.

Sometimes people who have been together a long time marry because ‘that’s what they should do’. Often when a marriage breaks down quickly it turns out that one of the them wasn’t too keen on it, but just didn’t know how to end it.

Focus on your relationship and don’t worry about anyone elses.

Post # 3
Member
5234 posts
Bee Keeper

Obviously your cousin’s life and relationship were not perfect–she put forth a great illusion and once the dust settled the reality probably didn’t live up to it. When people focus too much on how things appear on social media and not enough on the solidity of their relationship, shared goals, etc., this is what happens. 

Post # 4
Member
4015 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

carmensandiego38 :  

Things seemed perfect for them on the OUTSIDE. You don’t know what goes on behind those picture perfect Facebook posts.

You can’t compare your relationship to another relationship. Just because one seemingly perfect relationship fails doesn’t mean yours will fail.

Focus on your marriage. Focus on the good, and work through the quirks. Continue communicating and just keep on going on.

Post # 5
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’ve seen this happen a lot recently with people I know personally — couples who dated for nearly a decade before marrying only to be divorced a year or two later. I think when you have been with someone for so long, you basically get to the point where you make the decision to either break up or get married. For a lot of couples, the next logical step in the relationship is marriage even though they may not be ready or be a good fit. I know for me, I was with my ex for 8 years and he never would propose so I broke it off. In hindsight, I am glad he didn’t. I can see now that our marriage probably would have ended in divorce because we just weren’t right for each other. 

Post # 6
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Many reasons can be at play, and like people said, don’t believe the awesome FB posts.  Cold feet (never should have married, some people are not the marrying kind) or infidelity.  I have known many couples who broke up over kids – one wanted them, one didn’t, one person thought they could change the other person……good luck with that.

Post # 7
Member
8957 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

Relationships are like a one way mirror. You can look into it and see your reflection and think “Oh, what a lovely mirror this is!” but you have no idea what’s going on around the other side. 

Post # 8
Member
722 posts
Busy bee

People get comfortable in relationships that long. The codependency becomes an excuse to take a relationship to the next level. Just because she had a beautiful wedding/ great honeymoon doesn’t mean the marriage will last, or won’t last. What we see in pictures/videos on social media certainly doesn’t give any insight into what their lives together were actually like. Marriage is hard work. You have to wake up every morning willing to put in the effort. 

Post # 9
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe with some, they date for years in anticipation of this comittment, which they feel will be magical and transforming. Marriage! So much of a step from just dating and living together! Spiritual, endless love!

Then they get back from the honeymoon, go back to work and normal life. Where is this glitter and sacredness and unicorns dancing and harps playing that they just knew would be the case, after they got married? 

It’s just everyday life. Gotta go. 

Post # 10
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Also, marriage isn’t dating. I doubt this was your cousin’s problem since she was married for such a short time, but all kinds of new tensions can come up once you’ve merged households, joined finances or had a child. 

Post # 11
Member
6052 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Echoing PPs, you never know what’s actually going on behind closed doors. No one’s relationship is perfect and, if I’m honest, I seriously side-eye all those people that brag so much on social media about how great their life and/or spouse is. A good friend of mine did this. She was terribly unhappy and contemplating divorce (long story) but her Facebook and Instagram would make you think they were still head over heels in love and super duper happy. I think she was using social media as a way to try and convince even herself that things were better than they were. 

 

Post # 12
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

Im sure there are other reasons but I will answer this as someone who was waiting like 7 years for a proposal from my ex that never came and we broke up because he was cheating. I think its because like another poster said many times it gets to a point of “get married” or “break up” and I will stereotype and say its generally the woman wanting marriage and the man dragging his feet. The woman gets really fixated on it and she stops seeing all the OTHER issues and how he’s not really even a good partner, but they fixate on MARRIAGE as a GOAL and kind of stop seeing that this isnt even a guy worth marrying, but it’s a validation of the time and her worth to get married. Over time the not getting married makes her feel not good enough and you have to get the goal of the marriage even though the guy isnt even worth it. I read on here all the time about these really bad relationships and the guy is really terrible and i think “WHY do you even want to marry him??!!” but i really think it’s because you get so fixated on the goal of ‘married’, you have to have it. Then once they’re married, one of 2 things happens, the guy realizes “I was right, I never really wanted her enough to marry her, and this is it?? This is the rest of my life! Im trapped!” he never really wanted to marry her, but did it from the pressure and the guy freaks out and leaves or cheats because he never really wanted marriage  at all and did it to shut her (and/or family) up. OR the woman realizes, “this wasn’t actually a guy worth marrying, i deserve better” but the actual validation of her worth happened or the goal was met, so she can FINALLY let go of it. I say all of this as someone who was waiting for my ex to propose, I went through feeling like I needed him to marry me to prove to everyone I was worthy of it, but he wasnt treating me well, this wasn’t someone I should have wanted to marry, and it really killed my self esteem.  

As for your cousin specifically, you know you cant believe social media. You have no idea what is happening behind closed doors. Even couples you spend real time with and seem so happy, you never know. One of them could their own demons they are fighting constantly like anxiety or depression or addiction and you have no idea, and that could ultimately cause the relationship to end. People can have everything and still be miserable becuse it’s not enough for them.

Post # 13
Member
1492 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You mention how long they dated before marriage, but studies show that couples who date for a longer time before marriage are statistically more likely to end in divorce. Couples who live together before marriage are statistically more likely to end in divorce.

Post # 14
Member
1823 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

My marriage was this way.  We had been together 12 years before we got married (got together just out of high school), and we got divorced 2.5 years after marriage.  We loved each other very much, but for me, it was just a slow buildup of issues that ultimately caused too much resentment to be healthy.  Some of our issues had been masked somewhat during the engagement and wedding years, and others I thought were no longer relevant.  He made some big promises that I needed him to keep, but those quickly fell by the wayside after we were married.  Also, a lot of people thought we were the perfect couple… you can’t really trust appearances.  And it was that much harder for me to talk to anyone about our issues, since our lives were so co-mingled.

knotyet :  I don’t really trust those statistics because couples who are less likely to cohabitate are also less likely to divorce, no matter what.  (Very religious people, etc, even in cases of abuse, infidelity, etc.)  Having gone through a divorce after a not-great marriage and come out way way way happier on the other side, I’d rather have the freedom to do so than be stuck in an unhappy marriage for life – which is the truth behind many of the data points in those statistics.  Remember: correlation does not equal causation.  That said, I think in SOME cases there’s some truth to that.  Our waiting so long to get married, in hindsight, didn’t bode well for the marriage.  We both really wanted a long happy marriage but in reality, we weren’t the best fit for it.

Post # 15
Member
1492 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

KittyYogi :  I would disagree. The trend has actually been that those who are religious, or classify themselves as such, are no longer opposed to divorce. Pixxiefox and Mrs.Chatham’s posts are likely the reason behind the statistics. There’s a reason why people date so long without a formal commitment and then get married, and it’s likely that they never should have gotten married at all, or one partner didn’t actually want marriage – unless in the case of young age (which carries its own problems). Correlation may not always equal causation, but in most cases, such consistent results point to causation.

 The waiting board is full of prime examples of this.

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