(Closed) why are we in a rush to get married?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4929 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Sometimes, when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want that to start ASAP. And sometimes there’s also barriers blocking you from living together before marriage. So the wedding means the start of your life together. 

I would assume all the waiting bees know that their SO is the right one, and the ring and the wedding are just the next steps. Of course the marriage is the most important part, but you’ve got years for that. The proposal and the wedding (usually) only happen once. 

Post # 4
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@mepayne:  I agree 1000%. That’s is exactly how I feel. I have known since almost the first moment we met that he was it…the man I will marry and build  life with and grow old with. And being 30 years old now, I am just very ready for that part of my life to begin. I love him so so much and I am anxious for him to be offically mine forver.

 

Post # 5
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@penny_lane:  I think it is a matter of maturity level, readiness for committment, and what people want out of their life in regards to marriage. But I also think that popular culture and societal expectations really push for the whole idea of getting proposed to with a beautiful ring, having a nice wedding, having kids, etc. I think a lot of movies have ruined the concept of love and romance for a lot of women and depending on the person a lot of people think that it could be real life too. Hence, why a lot of women get so anxious about being proposed to and getting the engagement ring. And then planning the wedding of their dreams. I think everyone is taking a chance when they accept a proposal and plan their wedding, nothing is guaranteed in life and things can change at the drop of a hat. I find nothing wrong with women enjoying planning their wedding, trying on dresses, and loving the whole process. My hope would be that people are taking the time to realize that there is life beyond the wedding and that ultimately marriage is a lot of hard work. Things aren’t always going to be great and those are the times that are going to truly test a relationship/marriage. 

Post # 6
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

@penny_lane:  Well, I am definitely getting a little impatient and want to get the wedding over with and on to married life, though things won’t change much afterward because we already live together, share finances, etc.

I don’t think we are rushing into marriage. If anything, we were on the more conservating waiting side. We will have dated for 10 years by the time we tie the knot. I will be 25 and he will 27 when we get married. Of course part of our reason to wait was because we started dating at a young age, but we waited until we were financially and emotionally stable and felt ready for the next step.

I am sure your question wasn’t necessarily directed at people like me, but just thought I would share 🙂

FWIW, I do think that some do rush into marriage. It’s their choice. Personally, I think it’s better to let the relationship grow and develop over a few years before marriage, but that’s my opinion. I do not think 10 years is necessary, but 2-3 years would be preferabble.

Post # 7
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I think that some of it is age-related. I don’t care about how a proposal happens, if I have an engagement ring at all, or if I have a wedding at all (it would be great if I could have the world’s smallest wedding, or even elope). But I need to make decisions about my future, and when you’re in your early 30s, you don’t have a whole lot of time left where your biological clock is concerned. If I am with someone who wants different things in life, I would prefer to know sooner rather than later, so I can find someone new or focus on planning a life just for myself. Even in terms of making career choices, I think what I would do if I were completely alone is different than what I am doing as part of a couple, and it would be good to know that he was in it forever so I don’t give things up for nothing. I don’t think I cared about any of this in my 20s, but it does become important as you get older.

Post # 8
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I agree with all the PPs.

 

          I think it is something personal. I also do not think that by getting engaged after a year of dating, that is “rushing  it”. I think those that are anxious about the proposal and wedding and what not, are excited for the actual marriage. It is just easier to express your excitement about what is coming NEXT. Obviously you are excited about getting engaged because you are excited about getting married and spending the rest of your life with that person.

 

         For me, it is about starting the next chapter of our lives together. I am excited to get engaged because that is another chapter we can experience together. It is not about the wedding, it is about being husband and wife for me. I am 1000000% sure about my guy. I have never been so sure about anything in my life. But I think that comes with age in maturity. I am 29, he is 34, we are established in life. We have good jobs, we own a home, we are finically secure and stable together.  

 

          Before I met him, I was  very independent. I lived on my own since graduating college, I had a good job, I took care of all my own bills. BUT I was not ready to get married. It was not until I met him, that I knew, this was the one, and something just clicked. I don’t think that you need to date a certain amount of time before you can get engaged or married. I don’t think one can say “You haven’t been dating X amount of time, it’s too soon to get married”. I do not think that is fair. Everyone’s relationship is different. And they are right when you know, you know.

 

         My sister has been with her Fiance for 10 years… 10 years… And when they ( I mean SHE) decided to get married, she went shopping for her own ring and bought it herself… My whole family knows this marriage will be a giant mistake. They had 10 years together, you would think they would be sure right? No, my sister has called off the wedding so many times. It lasts a week then it’s back on. It took her 10 years to even realize she wanted to marry this man.  I have been with my SO for 1 ½ years. I knew probably at 3 months that he was the one for me. I knew I was going to marry him. I think when it’s right you know, and you are excited, so why not start the next chapter of your lives sooner rather than later?

 

Post # 9
Member
1005 posts
Bumble bee

I feel like my entire life is on hold until he makes this decision.  I have already made my decision about him; I’m waiting for him to do the same.  If he decides that I am not the one for him, will I be crushed?  Yes.  Will I get over it?  Yes.  It will take time, but yes.  But I am sick and tired of playing house, playing at being husband and wife, living as if we’re married, while he makes up his mind about me.

Post # 10
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@penny_lane:  Before I met my SO, I totally didn’t think I was going to get married and I was perfectly happy with that.  I was dating mostly to meet new people in a new city and was basically just having fun.  Then I started dating my SO.  I realized on the first date that this was different from any other relationship I’ve been in.  After four months I was 100% certain that this is the man I want to marry.  He’s the guy I want to have a family with and the one I know I can wake up next to when I’m 71 and still be happy.  

The only problem: that life, for us, can’t start until we’re married.  I’m in school to be a religious leader so we’re not allowed to live together before getting married.  In addition, it’s likely that I’ll have to move up to 3 times for work or school in the next 5 years.  If we are apart and unmarried he won’t even be able to come visit me.  I still waited what I think is a reasonable amount of time for our ages and financial stability, we’ve been together for 16 months now.  I’m 27, he’s 33; I’m in grad school and he has a solid job and has been supporting himself since college.

Also, if it weren’t for my family and his family and friends, I would be thrilled to just go to a little bed and breakfast for a weekend and elope.  I don’t need to pretend to be a princess for a day to feel loved.  The wedding itself is totally for the family and friends who would genuinely enjoy seeing us start out life together.  Sure, it’s exciting and fun to plan, not gonna deny that, but it’s really just the cherry on top of my ice cream.

Why am I anxious and waiting? Because I’m overfilled with joy and excitement.  I’m getting MARRIED!!!! And I want to tell people about it.  Because we’re going the traditional route, I can’t do that until he officially proposes.

Post # 11
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think it’s all 100% situational, as stated by others above.  There’s (obviously) a difference between a pushy 19 year old who has been dating someone 6 months and a pushy 30 year old who has been in an established relationship for years where finances and assets have begun to merge but there’s still no ring.

We’ve been together 2 years, moved multiple times for his work, have vehicles, pets and a place together.  He’d LOVE for us to go head and get a home, but I drew the line on putting our names on title until we are married, partially to cover my own ass and also because then we’d be pretty much “married” without the paper.  “why by the cow” and all of that.

He will be 40 in a couple months.  We both have careers and were totally independent people until we got together. We’ve seen it all, done it all as far as being single people and “experiencing” that phase, and now it’s time for the next one.  He has never been married and neither have I.

I really didnt start getting pushy about it until all of the moving started. I started feeling like a fool to go all over the country for someone but not being married to them first.  So now, we are settled where we are going to stay and are looking at homes….but he knows what has to happen first.

Post # 12
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

i’m not really in a rush or pushing engagement, but i’d like it to happen sooner than later. 

i’m 24 and he’s 29 and we’ve been together for two years.  I just know i’m with the right guy and i want to start my life with him as soon as possible. i want to be able to live with him, have kids with him, and spend the rest of my life with him at my side. he makes me a better person and i adore him.  he’s the first guy i’ve dated that really takes care of me, treats me like a princess, and genuinely has my best interest at heart.  we communicate really well and for the first time in a relationship, i’m not afraid to speak up if i’m upset about something because i know that he will listen to me and we can communicate like adults about it (as opposed to past relationships where i was verbally/emotionally abused and was too afraid to speak up).  

so i don’t feel like i’m rushing anything. we talked about getting engaged at somepoint this year. i did bring it up because i’ve been really focused on open communication with him and i wanted him to know how i felt.  he was receptive and now i know that we are both on the same page :]

i just feel like i don’t want to date him forever…i want more with him. i know it’s right and i’m ready to commit to him and i’d like to move towards marriage as soon as possible. 

 

Post # 13
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

Don’t let anyone rush you!!

I was with Fiance for 5 years before we got engaged, in my early 30s. It was not because before that he was unsure and I was pushing him… I wasn’t ready until now! I was pretty sure I was going to marry him eventually when the time was right, but I didn’t feel an intense urgency to rush it. My life was in no way on hold because we were not engaged yet! Why would it be??

I didn’t even know I was considered “behind” until I came to the bee when I knew he was about to propose. I’m SO GLAD I didn’t have to deal with the kind of pressure I see bees put on themselves on the waiting boards. My engagement happened organically and naturally at the time that was right for us, there was no brow-beating or cold sweats about running out of time before…. before WHAT? Marriage happens when it does! There is no artificial deadline, and to impose one is silly. We haven’t set a date yet for the wedding but I’m not rushing that either. Probably about 1.5-2 years.

Then, will we start trying for kids right away? I don’t know, we want two or so eventually, but it depends if we feel we’re in the right place for them yet. I know I’ll be fertile till at least 45 like the women before me in my family, and you know what, if for some reason I’m not, or if FI’s sperm are duds, adopting an existing child who needs a family to have a chance in this world? Hardly a terrible alternative! Fiance and I both agree that adopting is something we will consider regardless of whether we have biological children as well or not. 

Post # 14
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

It’s a lot of things for me. I don’t really think I’ll be “waiting” too long with my SO because we’re both so sure now – it’s a matter of getting a few things over with (his graduation from his master’s, moving in together, transferring jobs) and putting our ducks in a row before the proposal. I’d say I am “casually waiting” right now haha.

But so far as why I want it to happen, well… I’m 25, but I’ve had a LOT of life experience up to now. I’ve been taking care of myself more or less since 18, and I know what I want from life. This isn’t my first serious relationship, and I’ve already been engaged once – which was a mistake for that relationship. I know what I’m looking for in a life partner, and I *know* I have found him.

I want the adventure of our life together to start sooner than later. I want to be this guy’s wife. I also really, really want children and I have some fertility concerns so I’d like to get that process started no later than age 28 – which is less than 3 years from now. I do not want to have children until there is a stable family in place to raise them in.

The ring and the wedding are icing on the cake, but it’s the life I want to build with this man that is why I’m awaiting the proposal – that’s what I’m rushing toward.

Post # 15
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Polyphemus:  this is how i was too! once we got engaged, my anxiety was totally gone and i don’t really care when we get married…. we’ll be having a 2 year engagement, and i wouldn’t care if it was even longer. but i really did need some committment from him and reassurance that he wanted me “forever”.

Post # 16
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

When you figure out you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible 🙂

 

While I think many bee’s ARE super excited to get their engagement ring and have their wedding, what they really want is a life together with their husband. The ring and wedding are the next steps to get to that “forever” place, and that’s why they are so excited. At least that’s how it is for me. Fiance and I often talk about how we wish we could speed up time to our wedding date, and for us that’s because we are not living together until we are married, and I will have graduated by then, so we will really be able to start our official life together. It is really hard not being about to wake up next to the man you are going to marry or do all that marriage involves together. So yes, we are “in a rush”, as many bee’s seem to be, because we are ready. 

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