(Closed) why are we in a rush to get married?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Being married to my SO, finally allows me to build with him. I don’t feel comfortable living, buying a home, having children and combining finances with someone that will not make a lifelong commitment to me. Granted not all marriages last but I want to be with someone that at least made an attempt because they believed in us and believed that I was the one they wanted to build a life with…I feel marrying my SO is us showing one another that we’re serious about one another and serious about building a life together…this is just my 34 year old opinion. Had you asked me this when I was in my early 20’s I would have said I’d be happy with a man that just treats me right, no need to marry me. I like my 34 year old self better lol 

Post # 18
Member
721 posts
Busy bee

Okay I just gotta say something about this whole “I think it’s a matter of maturity” or “everyone matures differently” thing.  I hear this a lot on the waiting boards (and from my own family) and it drives me insane.  Like if you don’t want to get married RIGHT NOW it somehow means you’re not mature.   

I’m in the same boat at the OP.  I’m an adult, I’m in a relationship with a man that I love and we’re taking our time because that’s what we want to do.  And personally I think it’s a mark of maturity that you know how serious this commitment is and you’re staying true to your own wishes in waiting for it, sometimes in spite of enormous pressure, instead of jumping in in your late teens to something you don’t understand.

It’s a matter of different people have different wants and needs.  There are valid reasons (financial, religious, personal etc) for wanting to get married very early or very young.  There are valid reasons for wanting to wait.  I just don’t think your marital status should be a mark of maturity or some golden ticket into adulthood.  

 

Post # 19
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@penny_lane:  “the rest of your life” doesn’t start when you sign that marriage piece of paper, so I wonder that same question myself. 

For me, personally, I know I tend to rush things. Everything. I analyze every aspect of my life and then make a decision and do it. No guesses no pauses. With marriage, I only pressed it because FH brought it up 2 years before he proposed and it was driving me nuts, like he was dangling something in front of my face but never planned to do it…I don’t like flakes. If you say you’ll do something, do it..or else don’t bring it up at all. 

Anyway. 

Most people need something to do, a project. That’s why you can’t wait to get engaged, then you can;t wait to get married, then you can’t wait to buy a house, then you can’t wait to have a kid, then you can’t wait to have another kid….not necesseraly in that order. 

It happens quite often than I tell myself to slow down and enjoy the moment, growing up ain’t what it’s all made up to be. In fact, I wish I could be a kid for a while again. 

@Polyphemus:  And I totally agree with this. 

Post # 20
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

From what I’ve seen on the Waiting boards, I don’t think many of the bees are in an antsy rush to get married – what they want is some indication that their SO is committed to them with a proposal/engagement being the most traditional form. I mean, think about it, why would you waste your time with someone who doesn’t see “forever” with you or doesn’t view marriage as a requirement when you do? Why should you use up your heart loving a person who doesn’t really love you back?

I know age is nothing but a number, but unfortunately our society doesn’t see it that way. A coworker of mine who is 41-42 years old married a guy 5 years her junior. When she met him, she was 35 and pretty much had it in her head that she would be single forever. She told me this horrible story about how when she was dating at 35, the guys wouldn’t even bother getting to know her and just moved on to the younger women, b/c they assumed that 35 year old and up women would just be desperate to settle down and have babies. Personally I wouldn’t dare date a guy like that, but society is society and it can get overwhelming. This is why women feel the need to get some kind of indicator that their SO is committed and ready for the long haul. It’s very unfair to be left at age 34-35 when you’ve poured your heart out for one guy. To quote an article I read once about a couple that acted and lived like a married couple, but per the female’s request, was not married. The article ended with them breaking up, and the following quote: .”..Marriage makes it harder to leave.”

To conclude, yes, I agree that some 19 year old freaking out about a proposal after 6 months of dating is ridiculous. However, the older couples and more established relationships – I totally get the impatience.

 

Post # 21
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

Because when you spend so much of your life looking for the right person, in wrong relationship after wrong relationship, and then you finally meet The One, you want the rest of your life together to start as soon as possible.

In my religion/culture, living together/sleeping together before marriage is a BIG no-no.  If we could have lived together before getting married, we would have waited a few years.  But we couldn’t, so we got married. 

Post # 22
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@mrshunnybunches:  I think that Was so beautifully said!!! You are exactly right, I could have never expressed that in words myself!

Post # 23
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I’m 29 (in June) and have been with my So for 2 yrs. (he’s 47, married once, divorced for 4 yrs.). I feel certain that I’m ready. I wasn’t ready at 18 (I was engaged then) or at 24 (was engaged again to another then as well), because I had a string of back to back long term relationships. I felt sheltered and like I hadn’t had that much experience in relationships. I dated crazily from 24-26 and I think that helped me figure out what I wanted. I “saw all there was to see”, and there wasn’t much just worse.

Sometimes you have to know what you don’t like to know what you do. My SO is brilliant and is a great balance to my personality. He makes me feel so much better about myself and the world and he’s taught me a great deal about love. 

I’m certain that I’m ready.

Post # 24
Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I know he’s the one for me and we’re both in this for the long haul.  For me there’s some pressure because I’m 35 and I want kids and I don’t want to have kids until we get married.  He just lost his job and I might be going on strike soon so I have to be patient and wait for the right time.

Post # 25
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m 35 and itching to get this thing started. Both of us want to start our lives together. We’ve been dating over a year. I knew he was the one, which if you told me that 10 years ago I would have said sounded dumb because I didn’t believe in such things. I’ve been an independant woman for my entire life, and I know I can do it again if I have to, but for now its nice to share my life with someone. 

Post # 26
Member
24 posts
Newbee

because that’s what society tells us.

when you ask a question like this (or the more common one “why get married at all?”) you always get like (I’m completely guessing these numbers) 10%  for whom marriage actually changes something because they don’t live in a western country and/or they are super-religious. Then you get 20% who do it for legal reasons (health insurance, taxes, children maybe).

 

And then you get 70% who don’t have a rational reason. I don’t want to sound rude but “I want to start spending the rest of my life with him ASAP” does not make sense from a completely objective point of view. These people have learned, from their parents, friends, movies etc, that marriage is something we want. They believe their relationship will be better in some way once they get married.  Again, that does not make sense if you look at it objectively.

 

But this is not an objective subject. People do what makes them happy and that’s very subjective.

Telling someone “don’t get married (yet), it’s just a piece of paper” is a bit like saying “don’t have children, they cost a lot of money and stink”.

 

 

This is what I came up with after thinking about this topic a lot because at the beginning I did not get it. I hope I’m somewhat close to the truth.

Post # 27
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

@penny_lane:  “i don’t understand why so many of you are anxious about the proposal and wedding date more than the actual marriage?”

In my case, I am anxious about the marriage itself. I have been with my SO for 6 1/2 yrs, we have 2 children together. have been living together for 4 yrs, its like we’re already married. But we’re NOT, so the proposal and wedding is long overdue. I want to buy a house, and who like to have another child. but would like to be married first. I wanted to be married before our second child even came along. but this is how our life has played out. I still want to be married.

Post # 28
Member
7 posts
Newbee

I want to be married because i love my man and want to be his Wife…I want to be entitled to all legal rights, to have it out there for family and friends and to know that I am the most important woman in the world to him!  I am older and this is my second marriage and we aren’t having children (been there done that)  and I am so excited to be getting married.  My fi doesn’t admit that it will be different but I know it will be for me.  We already live together.  I am excited I can barely wait to be married. 

Post # 29
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve been with my SO for 4 yrs. I’m past the big dress, party foolishness. I used to want it, dreamed about it, but now it’s foolish because we’ve been together for so long, it’s just, whatever.

As far as marriage, I love him and want to be with him, but sometimes I’m downright terrified. This is a BIG deal. I’ll have to be with this man for the rest.of.my.life. LOL Will he start to irritate me? So many things go through my head but I have plenty of time since I’m still a waiting bee.

Post # 30
Member
9098 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sometimes people have to rush. I don’t encourage it in all situations — in my personal case, we had to.

My husband is military and deploys often. I was creeping up on my “lose health insurance” date real fast and individual plans I looked at were incredibly pricey with a lot of restrictions.

While we got married because we loved each other, my husband and I got married so we could reap the benefits of the military.

He gets paid more.
I get health insurance.

Brilliant. We were engaged for a little over a month before we got married.

 

Post # 31
Member
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

For me the actual marriage is the important part, and I’m just ready to start out lives together, officially.  We both know that we plan on spending the rest of our lives together, openly discuss wedding plans, and already live together and share some finances.  We just aren’t using the term “engaged” unitl we get the ring. 

I’d just like to be able to show the rest of the world that we’re serious.  When we meet new people I’m still just “the girlfriend”, the same title 9th graders use to describe their homecoming date.  I’m proud of our relationship.  I found the most amazing guy on the planet and short of screaming it from the rooftops a wedding in front of all our friends and family seems the best way to show it.

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