(Closed) Why are we obsessing about getting married?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

We want to get married because it is a true sign of commitment and responsibilty. Its taking your relationship to a higher level. Yes, one can leave a marriage, but its much more difficult to leave a marriage than it is to leave a dating relationship. There is nothing tying you down to each other when you are dating (unless you have kids?)

Marriage to me is not a “piece of paper”. Its a promised life long journey you start together.

 

Post # 3
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

You can be fully committed to someone and not be married to them, certainly. And you’re not a failure if you never marry. I do not personally think that marrying someone will really change anything. Even if there is a sort of “honeymoon” period, marriage does not change the foundation of a relationship.

But there are legal benefits, cultural and social benefits. You have rights that otherwise you cannot get. What do you think the LGBT community is fighting so hard for? Certainly not just a “piece of paper.”

From what you’ve described it looks like your SO doesn’t want the hassle of a wedding. You don’t have to have a fullblown wedding, if you want to compromise on that. You can take a lunch break, go to the courthouse, get married, and be done with it. Or you can host a small brunch wedding, etc. etc.

Post # 4
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am certainly not having a traditional wedding, just the “I do’s” and a get together with family, if your bf doesn’t even want that, you can go to the courthouse like others here have said and be married in 2 minutes. There are a lot of benefits in being married such as for taxes, combined insurances for cars, health, if one of you gets injured in car accident the hospital may not allow you to visit… etc… Look into the benefits of marriage before deciding.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  happy_face.
Post # 5
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

We choose to marry because there is no greater love than to lay down your life for a person; and that’s what marriage is, selfless.

Post # 6
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

I think there are status elements, legal protections, and such related to marriage. But more than any of that, to me, marriage is choosing. It’s a choice and a commitment. If it didn’t mean anything to the men who claim it doesn’t, then it wouldn’t be a big deal for them to do. But more often than not, it is. My Fiance recently admitted he was wrong, that marriage is a really big deal to him, which I had already figured out despite his protests to the contrary. Lol. I do think that a couple can be committed without marriage. But someone who is avoiding getting married is more likely to be avoiding it because of what it does mean to them than what it doesn’t, IMO.

Post # 7
Member
9154 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
mazorine:  I think blaming it on “societal pressure” is a way of convincing yourself that you don’t really want it or that it’s not that important. My husband wanted to marry me. I was the one who had to be persuaded. There was no societal pressure on either of us. He wanted to be my husband. He wanted his commitment to be public and legal. Being married DOES mean you won’t break up as easily. Of course it’s not a guarantee that people will stay together, but it does make it harder to break up. If someone doesn’t want to get married, that’s fine. But if someone does want to get married, that’s also fine. And maybe these 2 people can be happy together, but more likely, they’d both be happier with someone who felt the same way about it.

Post # 8
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
mazorine:  I think people will be happy either way -whatever you decide but for me it’s important and it’s not just a piece of paper. The wedding was important to me not because it’s “what you do”- in fact I cut out a lot of the typical stuff because I didn’t feel it was authentic to us. It’s important because we celebrated with our family and friends our commitment and love with one another. Which could also be done in a commitment ceremony If marriage is off the table. The actual marriage is important for us because of all the legal issues and insurance and rights and taxes and future family and making a home and a household that’s representative of our commitment. I do feel society puts people down if they don’t have that commitment and especially by a certain age but that’s no reason to do it at all. In your situation I feel that your wants should be acknowledged and if he’s not strictly anti-marriage then he should be putting your feelings and needs as a higher priority cause it’s important to you. Is it a dealbreaker? Do you think 10 years from now you’ll miss the wedding, marriage, the title and the “paper”? If not, then that works for you guys:)

Post # 9
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

MY SO and I are both divorcees and could probably go the rest of our lives without getting married; in fact it was a real possibility until earlier this year. We already have a house and we feel that we are true life partners. The idea of marriage means different things to different people. Some folks truly believe that a ring would stop a man from cheating or make him want to come home at night when really if someone wants to cheat, they will do it NO MATTER WHAT.

Coming out of a bad marriage where I had no support or help and then getting into this relationship, I learned that I would much rather have a partner in this relationship than a marriage to a man that didn’t value my worth. If you are lucky, you will get one in the same but that’s not always the case.

Being legally married doesn’t stop anyone from doing anything, trust me. But if it is important to you, then I think you should try to find out why he doesn’t want to get married. I have never been obsessed with the idea of marriage but what I have right now feels so great, I want to be his wife. That is not the goal for everyone in their relationship, but as long as they are both happy, that’s all that counts.

Post # 10
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It is the ultimate commitment in my opinion. Yes, marriages can end in divorce, but it’s definitely a lot easier to leave a relationship when there are no legal ties to that person. When my husband and I took vows, we entered a lifetime partnership and committed our lives to each other to work as a team and support one another. We also vowed that when things get tough we will power through it instead of giving up. Can you have this level of commitment without marriage? Yes, technically you can. There are a lot of unmarried couples that are more commited to each other than some married couples. But I personally could not be with someone that never wanted to marry me, and I think this is a decision you should not take lightly. You don’t want to end up in a situation where you convince yourself you don’t want marriage and then 5-10 years later you change your mind.

Post # 11
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

I used to be camp “I’m never getting married.” But that is when I was in a relationship that I didn’t really care about. When I met my husband I was head over heels for him and vise versa. That is when it became important for me to be married to the man I love. I think marriage symbolizes the coming together and becoming one of two people. And I think after being together for over three years you boyfriend should know if you are the one or not. Marriage is a traditonal sentiment that once was the go to for any serious relationship. It was the norm to be married. It was not the norm to cohabitate and then become married…erm…maybe. I thnk because divorce has become so common, it in a way has devalued the importance of marriage. I should backtrack and state that I have no issue with divorce of cohabitating. We’ll all do what’s right for us as individuals. So , maybe to your boyfriend, he sees divorce and knows that he does not need a piece of paper to be with you forever. But there is one problem with that mentality. You want to be married, it is important to you. And that should be a huge consideration for him. Especially if he doesn’t have a real reason as to why he doesn’t want to get married. 

I will tell you from my own experience. I was just married December 6th and it does feel different. Knowing that I made a bond and commitment in front of friends and family to my husband. It feels stable. There is no more “is there something better out there.” This is what we chose together. We are a unit and everyone recognizes that. Do you need a piece of paper? Actually, sometimes you do. For example, we are refinancing our home. If we weren’t married we would have to pay a 1% fee of the value of the property. If you guys do really want to be together forever. Getting married is a very practical decision and it just makes so many other things easier. 

Post # 12
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think your boyfriend is trying to talk you out of marriage to be honest.

Sure society GLORIFIES weddings and that part is kind of gross, however the argument that you don’t want all that hoopla just for a piece of paper is kind of moot.  It’s MORE than a piece of paper.  It’s about publicly pledging your love for each other.  Plus there are so many legal benefits to getting married.  Weddings can be ridiculous but that doesn’t mean that marriages are “just a piece of paper”. Marriages are beautiful, and it’s ok to want to get married and that is your dealbreaker.

Post # 14
Member
6296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

DH and I lived together for 18 years and raised 2 kids before getting legally married, but we acted married since day 1 of living together.  We don’t feel more committed now than before marrying.  I agree marriage is important for many reasons, but you can’t automatically tie commitment to marriage; it doesn’t work that way to everyone.

Post # 15
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Marriage does have legal benefits, the biggest ones for me are the ones when something bad happens.  Like you have a medical situation where you are not capable of making your own decision.  Or what happens to your property when you pass away.  If I am in a coma or something, I want my husband making the decisions about my medical treatment etc. 

I wanted to get married for the societal benefits as well.  People do view your relationship differently if you are married. And marriage is the public statement of commitment. If you are religious, there is that aspect too.  I’m Catholic, marriage is important to me for that as well.

Marriage has not changed my relationship with my husband except that it actually makes me feel more secure, which I didn’t expect.

No, you don’t need to be married to be together forever, but marriage is not just a piece of paper.  If it is just a piece of paper to him, why wouldn’t he marry you if it’s important.  Clearly it’s a bigger deal for him than he lets on.

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