(Closed) Why are we obsessing about getting married?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

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mazorine:  Yes you can go to the couthouse and it would be just that simple. Keep in mind though that there are other alternatives. For example, if you buy a vacation package at Sandles for a certain amount of days, you wedding is free! So you get a sick honeymoon and a free wedding! And it can be just the two of you. 

On a side note. You mention that you think buying a house or having children is a bigger commitment. But for some reason I disagree. Having a baby is a life-long commitment to that child and buying a house is a commitment to make a certain amount of monthly payments. Marriage is the commitment you make to each other as a couple. We were trying to have a baby for almost a year and a half before we decided to get married. We were engaged in January 2015 but we kept putting of picking a date. But there we were trying to have a baby. Now we are getting ready to start IVF and we both felt we were heading down a potentially rocky road and marriage was the solid foundation we needed to establish. I’m so cheap that I’m the one who wanted a couthouse wedding. But my husband insisted we have a traditional wedding. He wanted me to have that day. And I couldn’t be happier that we did. It was a true celebration of our union amongst our closest friends. Our whole wedding was around 30 people and we had it at my husbands parents house. 

You guys need to work this out. You need to be certain he’s not just telling you what you want to hear to appease you. Because ultimately, actions speak way louder than words. 

I just read your last post. Maybe you’ll get a big surprise in a couple of days;)

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  mrspants.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  mrspants.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  mrspants.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  mrspants.
Post # 77
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

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mazorine:  Girl if he actually didn’t know but knew it was important to you he would have an answer. He’s straight up stonewalling you because he doesn’t have the integrity to tell you outright that he doesn’t want any of it. He’s forcing your hand and making you be the bearer of bad news because he’s too chickenshit to approach it like an adult. Regardless of the other positives in your relationship that’s a horrible way to handle problems and a shitty way to treat you. 

Post # 78
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Having to schedule serious relationship talks with someone is a huge red flag. And having to drag someone down the aisle is a recipe for divorce.

Post # 79
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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angelinagonzalez:  

“there is no greater love than to lay down your life for a person; and that’s what marriage is, selfless” .

 Oh dear, mine isn’t ! Yours sounds more like a religious vocation, mine’s  more like  a very human,  flawed but essentially loving  partnership.

Sorry OP,  off topic  I know .   

Post # 80
Member
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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mazorine:  Tell him you want to go to the courthouse tomorrow or next week, you don’t need a ring or a celebration just want him to be your husband asap.

He will have another excuse for you even if you say you don’t need a ring or a celebration. I suspect you know that full well. You tell yourself (others?) its a ring and celebration that prevents you from marriage, to maintain a semblance of having a choice.. However you know that he is the one that will not marry. Now you’re trying to convince yourself that marriage is unimportant and that you don’t need it. Facing reality can be painful but more painful is not being true to yourself. I wish you well. 

Post # 81
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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mazorine:  man, I feel for you. It took forever for my fiancé to decide he was comfortable with concretely getting married/planning a wedding, and I was honestly jumping out of my skin by then. I thought about an ultimatum, or of walking – in the end, I told him a time of year by when I needed him to propose or else I would propose to him (with the unspoken understanding that if he said no, we would break up). He proposed. We are getting married in 2016. The reason why he put aside his hesitations? It was important to me.

This whole “we can get married for legal reasons only with no fuss” feels… Weird. I feel like you should be able to have this talk before new year’s.

Post # 82
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

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mazorine:  it kind of seems weird that he’s willing to get married for legal/money reasons but not because it’s important to you. shoudn’t that matter more than potential tax breaks or legal rights? personally i do feel like being married is different than just living together. dh and i lived together for years but being married just feels more…solid? it’s also different bc of the way people respond to you. like if your just bf and gf people don’t really know how serious/committed/long term your relationship is but if you’re like: i’m married. that says something more. as does wearing a ring, etc. 

Post # 83
Member
24 posts
Newbee

I see many people commenting that marriage makes it harder to leave a relationship, as if that is an advantage of being married. I simply don’t understand.

In what situation could you be happy with a relationship that was only held together because of marriage (ie too much effort/expensive to file divorce papers)? Would not everyone rather be happily single than unhappily married?

Sure, marriage might make it harder to make a rash decision to leave someone, but I can’t ever imagine being desperate enough to be in a situation where I can say “well at least he can’t leave me because we’re married”. And on the flip side, there is nothing to suggest that a non-married relationship (not talking statistics) can’t be as committed/stable/strong as a married one. Even if it’s legally easier to walk away. If anything I could say “He’s with me because he CHOOSES to be, not because he doesn’t want to file paperwork/cough up money for a lawyer etc”.

Post # 84
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

It appears to me, that despite the legal significance, he’s agreeing to run over to the courthouse after work to sign a piece of paper because in his mind, it’s just a piece of paper. If he doesn’t have to tell anyone you are married, wear a ring, stand in front of others as you get married, etc., etc., then his life hasn’t changed. Im really sorry, but I just don’t think he wants to get married and he’s coming up with bullshit reasons rather than telling you the truth.

Post # 85
Member
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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SLOBee:  He claims he would be willing to marry her at the courthouse but given the rest of what she’s shared (says she’s “rushing”) think at the last moment he would back out of that too.

Post # 86
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

I’ve been through these dilemmas so I can give my insight here.

So I am dating a man and the relationship was excellent. I wanted to marry him because I was sure he’s the one and I wanted him to choose me and tell the entire world that I”m his wife and he is completely committed to me.

In the past week, we had some events that made me doubt him. Now I feel I’d like to live with him but not marry him. Becuase I am not sure anymore that he’s the one and I’d like to be able to leave easier if things turn bad.

I now believe that men who don’t want to get married and bring excuses, do so because they want to be able to leave easier and without legal repercursions, and thus are not REALLY fully committed to you. When I was sure, I wanted to marry my BF, now that I have doubts, I definitely do not want to. I’d give him the same BS excuses if he asked me now.

Post # 87
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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Robyn0214:  I like what you have to say and I like your name!

 

Isilme: It’s like this – you can learn to drive but not have a license, you can know everyhing you need to and still not graduate high school or college, and so on.

In some ways, it’s a bit like taking a football to the 5 yard line, and then being like, “Hey, I ran a long way. I’m just gonna stop right here.”

….It’s not about insurance, rights of inheritance, or childcare, but those have come to tied to it simply because it makes sense after centuries of the institution.

That’s it.

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  RobynEileen.
Post # 88
Member
6296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

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RobynEileen:  Haha, I like your name too 😊

Post # 89
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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mazorine:  The point of a lifetime partnership (legally recognized or not) is to face hardships together, navigate life together. Pretty hard to make major life decisions with someone who can only reply “Don’t know/don’t care.” I am positive people can be unmarried and just as committed as a married couple. And some ppl genuinely don’t like state-sanctioned marriage. But sounds like your issue is about something else.

Post # 90
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’ll be back on the 5th.

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