(Closed) why buy the cow…….

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
22 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@EffieTrinket:  oh yes, we definitely have talked about it. probably too much. ~8 months ago, I tried to give him a 5-year ultimatum (our 5th anniversary is this December), but I guess it was obvious that I wasn’t totally serious. Probably b/c he knows I wouldn’t actually leave and love him enough to wait, especially since we live together…still drives me nuts though.

Post # 33
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

We dated 3 years and were engaged for a year.  We didn’t have sex until we got married.  I’m glad we waited.  We learned that sex isn’t the basis of our relationship.  We have other things that we can enjoy together.  We also have learned the importance of conversation.  I think that since we weren’t doing it, we talked alot more.  We’re still learning since we’re new at this marriage thing, but I’m glad we waited. 

In reference to those who’ve lived together for many years and have kids.  Isn’t there a point when they are just considered legally married? I can’t remember what it’s called.

Post # 34
Member
1509 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think that honorable men still want to buy the cow because they recognize that they want to spend the rest of their life with their live in girlfriend and do right by her.  I think that men who do not want to marry their live in girlfriends don’t respect their girlfriends and don’t truly love them.  While there are always exceptions to the rule like both people in the couple not wanting to get married, if the girl does and the guy doesn’t, but continues to live with her and lead her on, that is simply wrong and very disrespectful.

I think if there is a very valid reason why the live in boyfriend doesn’t want to propose YET, like he is in grad school and wants a to have a full time job/ income before proposing for example, that is a different scenario and not one that I am talking about.

Post # 35
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
@vivshanks:  Common Law. It’s only valid in certain states, and in Canada.

 

Post # 36
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I can’t even give the milk away! lol SO claims he made a promise to me when we started dating that we wouldn’t have sex until marriage… but I am ready, willing and able! but back to the original question, I think it really depends on the couple. There are couples that rush into marriage just to have sex and then they find out they weren’t ready for marriage, or even really in love with the person they married. And there are some couples who have sex before marriage and end up in that common law marriage situation (my parents actually almost fell into that category, they were married in June and I was born late in Dec lol oops) There are some people who are never going to marry the person they’re sleeping with, and then there are others who are dying to marry their lovers/partners/SOs

 

Post # 37
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think it depends on the couple, their relationship, their beliefs about love and marriage, all sorts.

I don’t like the “why buy the cow…” idiom because, for me personally, a guy who sees things that way – who thinks living together means he has everything already and there’s no need to bother putting a ring on it – isn’t worth marrying anyway. That’s just not what marriage is, or what it means. Not to me. Living together and sleeping together are not the same as being married, whether you do it religiously or civilly. We get married next month. We’ve been living together for three years now. Neither of us thinks this means we have “the milk”.

Fiance and I have talked a lot about what marriage is and what it means to us. And I can tell you that for us, the “milk” is not sex and it’s not living together. It’s standing up in front of everyone and making the ultimate commitment to each other; it’s signing a legally binding contract; it’s waking up together and being there for each other and growing old together; in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. If you’re married, you can’t just walk out of the door one day and bam, it’s undone.

I happen to want to be married before I have children, but I don’t think that was so important for Fiance. He is the one who decided to propose, I never suggested it to him, and for him it is quite purely about making a commitment. We have talked about how we think we’ll feel when we’re married and we both think it will be different, in a good way.

Post # 38
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

p.s. I don’t like the ‘why buy the cow’ analogy because it implies men are only after sex. Some of them actually care about marriage too.

Post # 39
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
@lovekiss:   Why buy anthing, in the sense of committing your resources (physical, emotional, and spiritual) in order to obtain what you desire, when someone is willing to give it to you for free without requiring that commitment of you?

To that, why is marriage equivalent to “buying”?  Do you not get commitment from a long-term live in partner?  I guess I’m only saying that because I always saw the term differently.  After reading your description, I thought, I’d never commit myself (in the physical, emotional and spiritual sense) to anyone that wouldn’t give the same to me, but in my eyes, Fiance and I had that long before we got engaged.

I tended to interpret the idiom as having to withold something from your SO (be that sex, children, whatever) so that s/he’s motivated to propose, and I always hated it because it gives NO credit to the other side of the relationship, like your SO has to have a “carrot on a stick” to want to marry you.  I mean, sure, withold whatever you want for your own comfort level, but I don’t think you need to do it to “make” your SO marry you.  S/he should want to because they love you and want to make you their spouse, NOT because they want to live with you or have sex.

I think what leads to a couple living together for over a decade, having kids, etc without getting married is either lack of communication (out of that out-dated notion that you can’t bring up marriage for fear of “pressuring” your SO) and one person “waiting” until they give up and accept non-married life, or it just wasn’t a priority for either of them to begin with.  If it IS a priority to you (metaphorical you), and you don’t want to end up like those couples, I’m seriously in favor of developing a loose 3 or 5 year plan with your SO.  I think it helps a lot more than getting vague answers like “someday” or “soon”, and it helps you and your SO look at the big picture to see what big life goals you’d like to reach by then, how to fit them in around other events, and work backwords to see when you’d need to get the ball rolling.

Post # 40
Member
802 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, I don’t think that not having a legal marriage make it any less “official”. Most of those couples are already in a common law marriage – they just might not see any need to have a marriage ceremony, or sign a legal document to make what they share/feel for each other “official”. For some of them, maybe the women do wish that they were legally married – but you can’t assume that about every couple. Sometimes, it’s just about their personal opinions – and there are plenty of couples out there who are waiting until gay marriage is legalized nationwide.

The topic ‘why buy the cow…….’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors