Post # 1
So last month my Fiance was sent to ask me if it was OK that his mother recycle her “mother of the Bride dress” that she wore for her daughter(FI’s sisters) wedding 5 years ago.
OK. First of all I didn’t really care when I thought about it, because I thought to myself “hey if she wants to be seen in the same dress twice by all of her family then fine she can do whatever she wants”. Then I thought about it. They are more than well off, and she can afford a new dress for our wedding. She has had plenty of time to get a dress, and still has plenty of time (Our wedding is five months away). I got this feeling that she doesn’t care enough about our wedding to get a new dress, like we don’t matter. There really is no other reason. This woman loves shopping and in the two years I have known the woman I haven’t really seen the same outfit twice.
Flash forward to two weeks ago. We are at her house and she shows me a picture of her in the dress from the wedding. OMG the dress is white, it has a complete lace overlay, and it is to the ground with a sweet heart neckline. It’s like all she needs is a veil, and she would be the bride. I don’t know how my FI’s sister allowed her mother to wear this dress to her wedding.
If this was the one and only thing this woman has done, then it wouldn’t be as annoying.
She has been a thorn from the beginning. First when we got engaged, she told everyone and their mother that we are moving too fast and that my ring was too flashy and big. Next when we were pondering a destination wedding to Disney (which btw we would have invited people)she was saying “I don’t know if I will be able to make it”. When we decided to have our wedding here she now is saying “Ohhh darn, I was really looking forward to Disney!” She’s upset that we are having the wedding in the church that I belong to instead of the one that she belongs to. When we shared with her the menu that we are serving guests (which is really delicious upscale authentic Italian) she said “Well…if that’s what you like”. As I am planning for a professional photographer she is saying “Oh you should just have the cameras on the tables and let people take pictures”. (I think that is the right choice for some couples, and maybe IN ADDITION to a professional photographer, but by itself it is not the right choice for me). She stuck her nose up at the flowers that I am thinking of choosing, she called my dress “too busy” and my wedding hair piece “a little gaudy”.
I just had to vent. She doesn’t say these things in a snotty way, but in a way that is just pleasant enough that if you don’t listen you miss what she’s saying. It’s funny that my Fiance misses what she says sometimes because her tone is always refined and calm. Does she just think I’m stuck up/ Does she hate me? Anyone have a snarky soon to be MIL? How do you battle this individual? My mother is different, and warm and open with my Fiance. They love eachother. I don’t ever see myself having a nice relationship with this woman, and it makes me sad for future family holidays and for when we have children. I see a road paved with stress, and manipulation from her. *sigh*
Post # 3
I think it’s a tough situation, but ultimately I would let her wear the dress and not say anything about it. If she wore it to her daughter’s wedding with no issues, then it would look bad if you were upset about it.
As for the other things, that is very annoying! I would just stop sharing details with her and when everyone else compliments on your wedding day, she will look silly/catty if she tries to put you down.
Some people are just like that, but don’t let it ruin your excitment for the wedding and marrying the man you love! 🙂 I’m convinced some moms just have a hard time letting their sons go, so they aren’t the nicest to their son’s Fiance to make up for their own issues/stress.
Good luck!! 🙂
Post # 4
I don’t know. I personally don’t think aything you wrote that she said was that bad and nothing was mean/nasty. She was just expressing a differing opinion (which is allowable) and at least she is being straight with you and saying it to your face. You sound like you just don’t like her (which is fair enough) but if that comes across in your post then it will definately be coming across in real life.
As for the dress- if you don’t like it then you could always buy her something to wear as a gift. Take her out and buy her a new dress. Make a day of it and mabe you will come out of it with a better relationship with each other.
Post # 5
Wow…stinks to read about all the unsupportive future in-laws today! Makes me think about how I will act when my daughter gets into her first serious relationship.
I think she is on the mild side of annoying FMILs but she does seem to need to use her filter a bit more. I don’t think a battle is necessary….I think you just need to stop caring so much about what she thinks. You are marrying her son, you two have your own preferences and get to start your own family.
If she seems to have a negative thing to say about everything, stop asking for her opinion and if she does give it unsolicited, ignore it. It doesn’t matter- what matters is that you and Fiance are happy.
As far as the MOG dress goes, if you think it’s innappropriate for a wedding (which it sounds like it is), get your Fiance to find a way to tell her that he thinks it will cause some sideways glances and then take it from there.
Post # 6
Wow, she sounds kinda horrible in my opinion. Very passive aggressive. I hate when people make fun of you, or put you down, and say it in either a joking manner, or in a “nice” voice. It means they have an out when you call them on it. Like, “oh I was only joking…” It seriously riles my feathers. So, I am soo sorry you are in this position.
As far as the dress goes… that is uncalled for. Everyone knows you are not supposed to wear white to the wedding unless you are the bride. Unless you were doing a “white wedding,” and requested it.
Maybe my opinion is harsh… but I really hate P.A. people, and your post just really kind of ticked me off… I could HEAR her saying those things, and I don’t even know the women. lol.
I would sit down, and let your Fiance know your emotions, and how your mom is making you feel
Post # 7
“She doesn’t say these things in a snotty way, but in a way that is just pleasant enough that if you don’t listen you miss what she’s saying”
my Future Mother-In-Law does this exactly! I feel like i am in the same situation as you, exactly! I too feellike ther eis no hope for a great relationship. I think the best thing to do is to just put on a happy smile around the holidays and hope for the best. and maybe not tell her anymore details about the wedding, it seems like nothing will make her happy!
and i would definitely not let her wear white!
Post # 8
I absolutely feel you here! My Mother-In-Law is the same. Wearing the same dress she did to her other sons wedding 2 yrs ago. Didnt give my mither the choice of what colour she wanted to wear when my mither in law isnt paying a cent towards the wedding and we didnt even get an engagement card! Everything is always about my future brother in law who is a real low life. Always telling us to quit our jibs and live off governement money. I have resigned to the fact that by the way they all treat us and talk to us we are just not important enough.
Post # 9
Welcome to the Future Mother-In-Law is a devil club. I’m sorry she’s being underhanded in her comments. I would be annoyed too if someone planned to wear a long white dress to my wedding but I would just leave it alone. Perhaps you could show her an amazing dress your own mother is wearing and she will get jealous and run out to buy some fancy new dress.
Post # 10
Let her wear the dress. Everyone knows it’s obnoxious to wear white to a wedding, if she wants to make herself look bad let her. As far as the other stuff, just learn to ignore it if you want to keep your sanity the rest of your life. As long as her little side comments aren’t making you change what you want then she isn’t really getting anywhere by saying it.
Post # 11
I would kill her with kindness lol. Take her dress shopping, talk about how much you are looking forward to the time spent with her. Point her towards dresses in your colors and talk about how amazing she looks in them. It sounds like she may have been looking forward to a more active role in planning her sons wedding and may have some hurt feelings that you and Fiance are choosing things without her. I would talk to Fiance and find something we didn’t have a strong preference on like what type of favor box to use, or decoration for the gift table and ask for her advice and thank her for the help in choosing whatever it was. Mention to the rest of the family that she helped with…and it came out so nice. You mentioned you want to have nicefamily times that will include her so it may just be worth it to be the bigger person and make an effort to smooth things over. The way she is handling herself is petty and immature, but she is family and that’s not going to change. Maybetaking the effort on your part will get her to meet you halfway and start a relationship where the two of you get along better. Goodluck and be patient!
Post # 12
Thanks everyone for the responses. It means a lot to me, I feel like I can’t really talk to anyone about it because it feels caty. I mean, I would never tell anyone what to wear to my wedding, but I just had hoped that it wouldn’t have even been an issue. I know I am being a little over sensitve about some of the things, but honestly I don’t openly share these details with her, she goes out of her way to ask. Which if it were me inquiring about someones choices, I would at least be nice about what they have chosen. I just come from a different family. When we are angry about something-we say it. More accepting as well of others tasts. I just have this constant feeling of not being good enough for her- but on the same note feeling like she thinks I am being to extragavant. I spoke with my Fiance a bit about it last night. He expressed that he had caught some static from her because we moved in together a couple of months ago. I guess she had said to him that she wished she and I were as close as he is with my parents. That’s not going to happen though, because she makes excuses every time we try to take her out to lunch or go visit. My parents door is always open, and we spend a lot of time with them. I know she is getting jealous- but she isn’t helping the issue. I just really needed to vent. I guess this relationship is a work in progress. Thank you again everyone for your different perspectives.
Post # 13
She sent Fiance to ask if it was okay of she wear the dress. Tell her it’s not, that you will be the only person in white, off-white, champagne, ivory, etc and that it is a very important tradition to you and thank her for asking.
Post # 14
A few things
1) Maybe she just really likes that dress and likes the way she looks in the photos from her daughter’s wedding.
2) To be honest, it doesn’t sound like she’s being malicious or nasty, just that she is expressing an opinion that is different from yours. My Fiance has two aunts he is super close with (like his second mothers), and I know they adore me, but they have pretty much hated everything I’ve done for the wedding, and have told me so. At first it really bugged me, but now I see that’s just their personality: they’re not trying to be mean, or hurt my feelings, they’re just giving an honest opinion because they honestly believe that I should know what they think. You said yourself your family dynamics are different, and so remember that just because your family wouldn’t say it that way doesn’t mean his wouldn’t.
3) I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but your relationship with her is going to be what you make of it. It sounds like you’re just waiting for her to dislike you, and maybe you’re taking things a little personally as a result. It’s probably even harder because we are all hyper-senstitive when it comes to our weddings. I would talk to your Fiance about how you feel, and get his take. After all, he knows her way better than you, and it might just turn out that this is just how she is.I honestly think it’s possible that she is just a blunt person and isn’t trying to be nasty.
I hope you feel better. Good luck 🙂