- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2018
Okay, bees. I’m kind of embarrassed to post this (regular poster, going anon because of this), because I am normally secretive about things that go on in my relationship with Darling Husband. I love him. He loves me.
But I can’t control my emotions. This isn’t hormonal, or stress-related (unless I am stressed without a cause). One minute, I’ll be extremely happy and laughing, loving on Darling Husband and telling jokes. In an instant, I will switch and the slightest touch will anger me, the kindest remark will set me off. I will get furious with no cause. I will say things I shouldn’t (and DO NOT mean) to Darling Husband, and I’m certain it hurts him. I feel like an ass, and I know I am certainly acting like one.
I don’t want to excuse my behavior. I know I’m being a B. I know I’m totally unjustified, and I am not coming here to hear people tell me I need to treat him well. I know I do. And I do. Most of the time. But it’s almost as if I’m “not myself” when I’m having these mood swings.
I was like this in previous relationships, but due to the fact that the nature of those relationships were abusive (meaning: I was abused emotionally, verbally, physically, etc.), I didn’t think much of it. I was sincerely defending myself when I would get angry then.
But Darling Husband has never given me reason to get angry with him. Seriously, he’s the most mellow, sweet, kind, loving man I’ve EVER met. He treats me like I am perfect. He does NOT deserve my emotional outbursts. Even if I was justified, which I know I am not.
For instance, tonight:
Him- I accidentally marinated the pork in two different flavors.
Me- Seriously? It’s on the package that it was pre-marinated.
Him- I know, I’m sorry. I’ll get you food if you don’t like it.
Me- No, I’ll eat it. Is it cooking already (I worked until 7 tonight)
Him- No, I didn’t want to leave the house with the oven on.
Me- Well, you know it takes an hour. Unless you want it pink.
Him- I didn’t know that. I thought maybe you could help me. I don’t cook this stuff.
Me- By help, do you mean I have to cook it myself?
Him- No, just…I didn’t know how long to cook it. I’m sorry.
Me- Whatever. I’ll do it when we get home. It’ll take an hour though, and we won’t be able to eat until at least 8.
Him- I’m sorry. I’ll fix you a snack.
Me- I won’t be hungry then if I eat a snack.
Him- Well…I’m sorry.
Me- It doesn’t even matter.
Seriously? Not 1 minute later, I feel like a total B. I am horrible. I don’t know what to do. It’s not always like this, seriously, 90% of the time we are absolutely happy and things are wonderful.
But it’s almost like I can *feel* my mood changing and it doesn’t matter what he says/does, I’m going to react negatively.
I need advice. I need help. Is there anything I can do to mellow out? Counseling? We aren’t having marital ISSUES, we don’t argue. I just…get anxious/stressed and just change moods. This happens all the time. But usually I can control it because I’m alone and he’s working. My moods do this EVEN WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND ME. I don’t know what could be causing it. I’m at my breaking point now; I either need help or I’ll need to figure out calming exercises.
I’ve told myself to bite my tongue before I even reply if I feel my mood shifting, and not reply for a solid 15 seconds until I’ve thought about what I want to say. But I end up blurting out whatever is in my mind.
I don’t want to hurt Darling Husband. I feel as if it’s almost emotional abuse (I don’t know if it could stem from what I experienced with previous guys I dated), and I don’t want it to get to that point. I don’t want to hurt Darling Husband.
Does anyone know any thing I can do to fix this? I’m not only like this with him, By The Way. I do this with everyone I know. It’s not so much the person, but it’s me personally. It’s my moods that I can’t control. I know it isn’t hormonal, because my moods change a lot, even in just one day. Seriously, it is the worst feeling ever (knowing your mood is changing and there’s no explanation/cause and you can’t control it!!)
Any help, please? I’m terrified I will lose Darling Husband if I can’t somehow fix this (although he has been more understanding and loving than I deserve.)