Why can't I get over this friend ghosting me? LONG

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I think that you just need to accept that the friendship is over respect her decision if she means that much to you go out to a neutral place for a coffee and talk about your friendship

Post # 3
Member
4359 posts
Honey bee

This is such a bizarre story bee – I would be feeling exactly the way you are if it happened to me. My best guess is that the abusive ex (the brother of your ex) made up some lie about you and turned her against you. Maybe he said he cheated on her with you or something – I don’t know but it had to be awful for her to cut you off like that after so many years of friendship. Maybe as time passed, she realized that she shouldn’t trust the story the ex told her, but by that point was so embarrassed at ghosting you that it was just easier for her to continue the ghosting.

I think what I’d do is make one last contact in the form of a letter or email or something. Just lay it all out for her and tell her how her decision to ghost you has tormented you for 5 years and you just want closure at this point. I wouldn’t hold back from showing my emotions either. After 20 years of friendship or however long it was, you deserve to know if there really is something you “did” to make her ghost you. It’s just bullshit to treat a person this way with zero explanation.

After sending the email, I would really close this chapter cause it’s unlikely you’ll get a response. But at least you’ll know you’ve laid it all out and that she knows how you feel. Maybe that will help with the closure.

Post # 4
Member
5429 posts
Bee Keeper

futuremrss17 :  I think something has gone on that you don’t know about. Either this ex-bf of hers lied to her about you (he could even have had his brother back up his story if his brother was a bitter ex of yours) and she believed him. Hence her mother’s ‘you should know what you did’ (though likely it was something you actually didn’t do). 

Or it could be that she had an even rougher time with the ex than you know about, something awful may have happened during this time (abuse, a miscarriage, threats/stalking etc) and this would explain why she’s reached out to you a handful of times then re-ghosted. She reaches out in a moment of missing you and remembering all that you meant to each other- but then unfortunately for both of you, you’re interconnected in her mind with a person/ time of her life she recoils from and so she pulls away again, torn by missing you but contact with you being a trigger for memories of a bad time in her life. 

Sorry Bee, due to how close you were and the longevity of your friendship, I’d reach out one last time. Write her a letter including everything you’ve told us. Ask if there’s a possibility she may have heard things that aren’t true? Tell her you would love to talk to her- either to rekindle the friendship or even just once more for closure. Then leave the ball in her court, letting her know you won’t contact her again if she doesn’t respond but that you hope she will. 

Post # 6
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Did your mom keep in contact with her mom? If so, is there any way to find out through that relationship what she supposedly thinks you did? I think at this point your ex-friend will probably never tell you since she ghosts every time it gets to the point of where that conversation could come up. It sucks but i think you just need no contact with her (at all) and eventually it’ll get easier.

Post # 7
Member
1605 posts
Bumble bee

I think, emotionally-speaking, the only thing you can do at this point to attain “closure” is to decide, for your own sanity’s sake, that YOU are done with the friendship..

That would entail blocking HER from all points of contact, not responding when she does reach out, etc. 

Honestly, I wouldn’t care what her excuse is. She is behaving like an emotionally abusive ex. Ignoring you for long periods of time, then cropping back up when it’s convenient to HER, or when SHE’S feeling emotional, or when SHE wants the high of knowing she’ll get a rise out of you, with no consideration at all for the damage she’s doing to YOU.

I mean, SERIOUSLY?!?! Sending you that message on the morning of your wedding day?? How selfish and messed up was that?? I would have been absolutely furious. It’s Manipulation Tactics 101.

Bottom line is that no matter WHAT happened – the ex’s brother lied about something, she’s embarassed, etc, whatever – NOTHING excuses the level of emotional abuse she’s put you through for the past 5 years.

Her behavior toward you is toxic. In your shoes, I would decide that *I* was done with *her* and move on forever.

Post # 9
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

futuremrss17 :  Well, that’s all very odd. Do you think her ex said you hit on him or something? She’s sounds a little crazy. Sometimes people go off the deep end for no discernable reason, and you just have to wave bye-bye as they go, turn around, and move on with your life. If she tries to contact you again, ignore it, or tell her you are finished with her wishy-washy self and ignore her after that. I’ve had to deal with people like this, but I moved on and when they would inevitably try to contact me later because they are crazy or feeling guilty or whatever, I would tell them not to contact me again or just ignore them. People like that are too much of a chore to deal with. There’s no point in bothering with them.

Post # 10
Member
540 posts
Busy bee

I had a similar experience with a friend from college who I wanted to remain in contact with but she kept messaging me to hang out then would fail to respond at all to solidify plans. It was bullshit and went on for years and I got so tired of it so I blocked HER on all social media to cut her out completely for my own peace of mind. It was so relieving tbh.

I think you’ve given this “friend” enough of your time and energy, and it’s time to pull the plug on this mess of a relationship for good. Cut her out. Block her. Don’t respond to her. 

This behavior from her sounds almost emotionally sadistic in a way towards you and the only way to find peace is to make the decision yourself to end things…not wait for her to maybe one day possibly explain herself.

 

Post # 11
Member
711 posts
Busy bee

futuremrss17 :  There is something wrong with her. She keeps ghosting you, trying to contact you, then ghosting you again.

I feel really bad for you because I understand how hurtful it is to cherish an old friendship and then to realize that the other person has become too distant to care.

Unfortunately, I think you should let this “friend” go. She quit being your friend long ago. She may contact you from time to time, but let her just be a friendly acquaintance.

Post # 12
Member
254 posts
Helper bee

1. She is FAKE! Honest people, and esp. very honest people (you sound like one) can have a very difficult time coming to accept people who are fake for who they really are, because it’s so difficult to wrap your head around their strange, mean behavior. 

2. She is using the SILENT TREATMENT. She wants you to question yourself ad nauseum, What did I do? knowing that you will never get resolution, because she will never explain it. (There is nothing to explain, except for her to admit she was being deceitful, which won’t happen, because she’s fake.)

Post # 14
Member
540 posts
Busy bee

futuremrss17 :  one last message is up to you, but I’d caution that she may strike up more of a convo and get your hopes up again that this relationship is going somewhere. It clearly is not and it is time to rip off the band-aid. You owe her nothing.

Post # 15
Member
3991 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

futuremrss17 :  without going to specific details just because it would take forever to explain… Something very very eerily similar happened to me with a former best friend.

I felt the way you did, had no idea what happened, was completely blindsided, wasnt told anything or a reason for why she ghosted me and then kept getting random carrot-dangling happening from her here and there making me think that things were going to be fine and we would friends again to only have her ghost me…

I reached out to her again, similar to how you did with a letter/email. She finally responded to tell me the weirdest shit ever. Things she perceived were slights from me to her, she also shared things with me like “your mother buys you things and mine doesn’t” and “you go to college and don’t want me in your life anymore”… Just really really bizarre shit.

It was this conversation when I finally realized she was a hater, big time. She could never be a good friend because she was low key angry, resentful and jealous of me for things I had no control over and things that she felt like I did to her which she finally recognized that she was wrong but it was too fucking late for that.

The batshit crazy email she sent me back made me so fucking furious because her reasons were absolute BULLSHIT and she knew it and even admitted it at the end of the email that what she said really made no sense and that she was wrong but she can’t help the way she feels.

That was it. I dropped her, I dropped it and I said never again will I make this girl feel important when she hurt me so bad. 

Long story to say don’t make the same mistake I did, act desperate and put her or her friendship on a pedestal when really she actually didn’t give a flying fuck about me.

You already know why she ghosted you and dangled carrots, it’s because she’s an asshole and a bad friend.

The memories you have of her back then are not her anymore and I guarentee you that if she answered your letter it would sound A LOT like the email my ex best friend sent to me. I don’t even think you want an answer from her at this point. If I were you I would be done. She would hurt me for the last time. I would block her number and be DONE. 

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