Post # 31
I’m probably going to just repeat a lot of PP’s points, but:
Yes, traditional etiquette would say you shouldn’t plan parties in your own honor. But etiquette is really only as good as the circumstances in which it’s practiced. Many of today’s busy, modern brides DO have a hand in planning and even hosting their bachelorette parties. As the party is more of a get-together between her closest girlfriends, I think there is indeed more room for bending traditional etiquette.
The big part is your expectations as the bride and the potential contribution (financially and time-wise) you are going to request of your maids. In short, you need to be respectful of their time and money–sounds like you are–but one thing you should be doing (which your Maid/Matron of Honor would do if she were planning this) is taking your BM’s opinion into account. THAT’s really where you’re going to stumble into an etiquette breach, because whereas if your Maid/Matron of Honor was planning this, she could send an email to the BM’s without you and say, “what do you think of a hotel?” and they could potentially respond, “Gee, I think that’s a little beyond what I was expecting to do.” …You think they feel as comfortable and as candid with you if YOU as the bride make such suggestions? I wouldn’t be too sure–I think you could be treading on a fine line in which your role as the honoree clashes with your role as host and your guests feel *obligated* to do the hotel and clubbing–for you–without having been consulted in the first place about whether they were comfortable doing that.
My opinion is that if you want to do this, you be more fully implanted into the role of hostess, meaning it should be your treat. So invite the girls over to your house, pay for food and drinks, and have a grown-up sleepover. I think pushing them to go bar-hopping and to a hotel is perhaps a little overstepping of your bounds, for the reason I listed above. That’s my .02 on the deal.
Post # 32
Persoanlly I could care less WHO plans parties.. If I can go, I’m there.. if I can’t send you something in the mail!
Post # 33
wedo016: After reading your responses, I totally get the “well this isn’t an honor thing, it’s a celebration”.
This totally depends on your relationship with your Maid/Matron of Honor (this sounds like its not problematic for you).
Considering that relationship, I don’t think it’s bad to do some planning of events, gathering info, etc. BUT you still need to funnel through your Maid/Matron of Honor for inviting people, collecting the money to book events, etc. Especially because they may want or expect to pay for your share. It would be very awkward to hand the bride a payment that covers her share of thing. That sort of thing is really a gift on the part of everyone else to you. You have to let them choose whether they want to do that (which won’t happen if you’re the main liason for the event planning), and you also have to let them choose if they want to spend the money to come at all (even if it’s not a realtively big cost). You being the event planner may guilt them into thinking they have to spend the money, even if you say they don’t have to.
For the comfort of all involved, I’d say it’s fine to sort out details for or with your Maid/Matron of Honor, but have her handle the rest.
Post # 34
wedo016: I’m usually a sucker for etiquette, but for bachelor parties I see it the same way as a birthday party to be honest. If I organised dinner, a night our or drinks at my house for my own birthday no one would raise an eyebrow.
If I organised an extravagent weekend away or expensive activity or something for my own birthday it would probably be side eyed by a few people. That said, my friend organised a weekend away for her own birthday and we were all super excited, as we are close enough to know our budgets and availability.
Hell, if I can organise my own wedding reception, why can’t I organise a modest bachelor party?
I won’t be doing it personally, as my Maid/Matron of Honor would loathe me for it (she’s super excited about that bit haha) but I definitely don’t judge other people that do.
I would never organise my own shower though 🙂
Post # 35
wedo016: But but but some people do host their own parties for getting an award, finishing a degree, etc. I think a lot of etiquette is quite dated and some events don’t hold the same meaning as they used to so the etiquette isnt so relevant. Also depends on where you’re from, etc.
Do what works for you, bee.
Post # 36
I don’t see a problem with it. My husband and I threw a party for his 30th birthday so I don’t see this as any different.
Post # 37
Except for when I was a kid, I’ve planned all of my own parties and I intend to plan my own hen do as well. I’d quite happily not have one at all but I expect friends and family to disagree with me!
Post # 38
Thanks for all your responses!! I really have no trouble following etiquette, I just need to understand the reasoning behind it so I can decide if it makes sense to me or not.
The reasoning that most resonates with me is making sure that everyone is okay with what is being spent. I think I’ll have my Maid/Matron of Honor make the first invitations and gather budget info (mostly hotel or not for the second night) so that people who might feel uncomfortable saying no to me can talk to her first. Then I can follow up with everyone and make sure they really are okay with coming/spending what they agreed on. That way I can catch anyone who might actually be more okay saying no to me than to someone they don’t know, while still making room at the beginning for anyone who feels the opposite. I’ll let my Maid/Matron of Honor do any collecting of money. If anyone wants to cover me, they can work that out with my Maid/Matron of Honor but I’m guessing it’ll be more buying me a drink or something while we’re out if anyone really wants to treat me.
But I think I’ll still do most of the planning once those parameters are set, so my Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t have to do the work/because I’ll know the crowd better than her. Once the money part is out of the way, I think it makes sense for me to do the coordinating and whatnot among the people that are coming.
Thanks for your help!