(Closed) Why can't I talk about weddings around potential future MIL?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

He doesn’t want his mom to be offended (assuming she likes the cousin)? He doesn’t want his mom to think you’re planning your wedding? 

Post # 4
11 posts
  • Wedding: May 2013

Maybe he thinks it’s not polite to criticize their wedding in front of family members? Also, some mom’s are super enthusiastic about their kids getting married (my Future Mother-In-Law is this way) and maybe he just doesn’t want to bring it up because he knows he’ll never hear the end of it?


Regardless of the cause it sounds like he’s being a little sensitive but at the same time I don’t think his request is totally out of line.

Post # 5
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@aithinne:  Maybe she finds the criticism too negative or is insulted by it?

Post # 6
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He might not want to talk about it in front of family until you’re actually engaged. My Fiance was a bit like this also and I think it just comes down to wanting to be officially engaged before talking about all this, e.g. he might worry about what his family thinks when you’re talking about weddings and you guys are not even engaged yet. my Fiance is not much of a sharer tho and we’re not that close to his famiy.

Post # 7
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@aithinne:  Well, wait: WHO told you you cant talk about them in front of her? Him?

Post # 8
463 posts
Helper bee

Personally I would never critique my SO’s relative’s wedding to his other relatives unless they started it first. In a sense they are all in a club that I’m not in! And I want to join it, so I’m not going to try to get one of them to pass judgment on another of them. When an outsider does that about a group that I’m in, it makes me not want to let the outsider into the group because they’re showing that they’d be a divisive force.

Maybe your SO is looking at it that way. Personally when I’m at a family gathering with my SO, I’m on high alert to discourage my family from judging or annoying my SO and vice versa. We will all have to live with each other for many years I hope, and it’s so not worth starting shit over minor aesthetic judgments.

Post # 9
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@aithinne:  Maybe he’s afraid she’ll hear you talking about it and then nag him to propose incessantly? That’s why my SO and I avoid talking about such things in front of his mother (though we don’t talk about them much anyway). My SO’s mother would be way too excited and would remind us about it too much. Once, when we had been together for about a year, she commented about a long skirt I was wearing, “That’s pretty! It looks like a wedding dress!” Oh my. I was so embarrassed!! And I guess, early on, she said things to my SO a lot, too, which he didn’t like. He’s extremely methodical and likes to think things over very thoroughly, so prodding from her was definitely not welcome.




On the other hand, it’s possible that your SO’s mother doesn’t like you, and he doesn’t want to deal with the drama that would result from letting her know that you and he want to get married, at least for a little while longer. It’s more likely that he just doesn’t want her to find out and bug him about it later, though.


ETA: Oops, I wrote all that after reading your whole post and promptly forgetting that you said this was not about your own potential wedding, just other peoples’! In that case, I think it would be because his mother might find it rude that you and he would discuss pros and cons of her relatives’ wedding in front of her.

Post # 10
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s taboo because it’s rude.  It’s rude to critique a wedding, especially of a family member. 

Post # 11
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would be very hesitant to say anything negative about a family member’s DH’s wedding.  And in general, we kept the wedding talk to almost zero until we were actually engaged.  There was minimal chatter about approximately what year/season it might happen mostly because his sister was also in a long term relationship and they wanted to know how much money they’d be out all at once, but that’s it.

Post # 13
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@aithinne:  Sorry if I came off as saying you were being rude! That’s not what I meant at all! I was just saying hypothetically, it could seem that way, without having any idea of what sorts of things you were talking over concerning the wedding.


I’m glad his mother likes you. That will makes things much easier than it might be otherwise. 🙂 

Post # 15
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@aithinne:  Who told you that you can’t talk about wedding stuff in front of your BF’s mother?  Him?  Her?

If by “talking” you mean critiquing her relative’s wedding, then yeah, you need to keep those comments to yourself.  I wouldn’t appreciate anyone judging a family wedding. 

And, I don’t mean to be snarky, but, this woman isn’t your “potential Future Mother-In-Law,” she’s your boyfriend’s mother.  Perhaps the reason she doesn’t want to hear wedding talk is because you’re not engaged to her son?  It might come across as your being more concerned with having a wedding than having a marriage, you know?

Post # 16
463 posts
Helper bee

@aithinne:  Aww, I’m sorry! It doesn’t sound like you were rude at all. I think you’re just gonna have to ask him why. If he’s a good guy, he’s just looking out for you against any weirdnesses that his mom might have, and trying to make sure you don’t push each others’ buttons. He ought to be fine with explaining.

I probably give my SO too much advice on dealing with my family members. I do explain why, though – you can’t just drop something like “never mention toes around my sister” and not explain that it’s because she has a weird paranoia about feet.

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