(Closed) Why can’t people just follow the “rules”-vent

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It IS frustrating! I’m sorry. I thought your plan of writing in the number was good. I am worried about people just bringing guests. A few of my coworkers have said the need to find a date. Ummm, no. It is not a free dinner date for you. It just puts a lot of awkwardness and unplesantness on you, the bride. Not fair and so aggravating!

Post # 4
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Our catering cost is low, and both are venues have plenty of space so I wasn’t concerned about add-in’s.  However, I did get a pretty interesting RSVP that would have bothered me had either of the first two factors not been there.

A couple from my mom’s church (in their 60’s) RSVP’d for 3.  In the section I provided for a note they wrote, “Mom loves weddings so we’re bringing her along.”

I’m sorry you had a couple of people who didn’t understand how the RSVP works.  But from the sounds of it, most of your guests understood how to RSVP.

Post # 5
3142 posts
Sugar bee

While I do not think everyone should be able to bring whomever they choose, everyone should be able to bring a date.

the day may be all about you, but your guests should have fun too. 

This honestly is my biggest pet peeve with weddings. Cut out a course say … the soup so your guest can bring someone and actually enjoy your wedding as much as you will.

Post # 6
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Because they don’t realize the stress they are causing us!  I feel your pain, believe me.

Post # 8
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Oneeleven:  it sounded like the issue was more that they were over capacity by one (they have 81 people and the venue holds 80), so it doesn’t seem cutting soup would solve any problems!

@cllyons:  that sux you are in this situation.  i’m lucky thats one thing i didnt have to deal since i  have so little guests and we are under what i budgeted for.  good luck working it out!

Post # 10
1699 posts
Bumble bee

@cllyons: Why can’t people just follow the rules? Because…

1) They don’t know what the rules are, or
2) there have been so many new rules made up in the last few years that they can pick and choose which rules to follow, or
3) they’ve seen so many brides breaking their rules that they think guests are allowed to do the same, or
4) the same sense of entitlement that drives brides at large to hold showers for themselves, put registry information on their invitations, and complain about not getting adequate gifts; also infects the guests at large.

Actually, the mere existance of R.s.v.p. cards violates the rules that I still follow; but they are used anyway because brides prefer insulting the few of us that DO still know how to hand-write a proper response, to having to ring up and track down the majority that don’t know. It is a solution that fails miserably in situations like yours, because you still have to ring up and track down people, Only now you have to do it to bargain over attendance numbers with people who feel that they’ve fulfilled the obligations of your red tape by submitting the paperwork.

The rules, incidentally, also say that no-one is supposed to “get” a “plus-one”. You are supposed to find out the names of each and every guest, obtain an introduction to any whom you have not previously met, and extend invitations to each one personally and impartially. That, actually, is a way to deal with your cousin if you want to use it. You write a polite note to her asking for “the name and address of the person that she is asking you to invite, as of course everyone is supposed to have their own invitation. I know you wouldn’t want to invite to my wedding, someone that I am completely unacquainted with, so it may even be someone that already has an invitation.” Use the italics and underlining as shown, so that she gets the message, while you get the credit for being completely gracious.

Post # 11
3265 posts
Sugar bee

Unfortunately, they are follwing the advice often dispensed on this site, which is “do whatever you want”. 

Sorry you are dealing with this.  And hold your ground, you haven’t done anything wrong.  They have been horribly rude to you however.

Post # 12
1212 posts
Bumble bee


Unfortunately most people don’t KNOW these rules. A hand written response on your own personal stationary? Give me a break. I can think of one person in our entire social person that has even heard of that, that person is me. Frustrating? Yes. Which is why rule changing constantly happens. I dont send out RSVP cards as an insult to those that know how to do it on their own. I send out RSVP cards because I’m surrounded by chimps. I love them, but they wouldn’t know a shrimp fork if I stabbed them in the hand with one. So if anyone crosses out the number I assigned them and fills in their own they will be getting a very stern phone call from me.

Post # 13
1033 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wouldn’t your aunts child (your cousin) already be invited?

Post # 14
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It seems to me that it’s usually aunts/uncles/cousins who write in their kids. I think some people feel strongly that weddings are *family* events, and they are offended when their kids are excluded, so they become passive aggressive.

My aunt and uncle wrote in their son (who wasn’t invited)… as a MAYBE! Whaddayamean, “maybe”? I was PO’d, but I was willing to add him to spare my mom an uncomfortable exchange, plus I knew my uncle would more than make up for it with a generous gift. So I emailed my aunt and told her I needed a yes/no from her son to get an accurate headcount for the caterer. She finally replied “no” for him because he had college finals that week. AND THEN HE SHOWED UP!!!! (His father apparently badgered him into coming.) When he arrived, my uncle made a beeline for me to point out, in a huff, that there was no chair for him. Duh. He also told me that his daughter – with whom I’ve had no contact in years and to whose wedding I was not invited – would have come, too, but she was out of town. Whhaaaattt??

Seriously, there’s at least one on every guest list…

Post # 15
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

omg. my fiances father gave us a list of people he’d like to invite to our wedding – 100 people, half we’ve never actually meet – and didnt offer a penny. so, we moved the wedding up a year and only invited 25 guests of family and close friends. he’s still pissed ‘his’ friends dont get to come!

we have 25 guests, 25 chairs, 25 dinners, 25 everything – and not ONE more. when my mom and i told him this, he said ‘people will probably bring guests so you’re going to need more food’ and we told him that they will be turned away at the door and there are no guests with +1s allowed. he went quiet and white. what an ass. thankfully, my mom has no shame and WILL turn them away at the door!!

Post # 16
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Oneeleven: I disagree, unless that person doesn’t know a few people, I don’t see why they should NEED a date. Can’t they enjoy their friends/family’s company?

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