(Closed) why deadlines?????????

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I haven’t read of anyone on here making deadlines for their men and demanding a ring by a date. Can someone enlighten me?

 

I’ve read about girls deciding not to move in with their man or other milestones before getting engaged or married, but I view that as holding onto their personal moral standards, and completely understand/agree with their reasoning.

 

I’ve also read of ladies realizing that they’ve been with the same man for five, eight, twelve years and aren’t going to waste their time waiting forever for something that may or may not happen. While I don’t agree with ultimatums, I don’t think it’s out-of-line to set a personal deadline for how long you’re willing to wait for a true commitment.

Post # 4
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

In my case the “deadline” (i hate that word) is the time that he told me he would propose by. Here’s how our conversations went:

Me: Where do you see our relationship going?

Him: I really want to marry you one day

Me: Really. When do you think that will happen?

Him: I want to propose this summer. What kind of time frame where you thinking about?

Me: Yeah, I guess I would like it if we were engaged by August or September

So, it was a mutual understanding and a promise that he made to me. It was not coerced. As I have stated before, if September came and went and there was no ring AND no talk about the futrue, then I might consider leaving. However, if prior we had a serious discussion in which he raised a legitimate reason as to why September would not be a viable “deadline” then I would stick around. For me it’s about the promise he made to me and our ability to communicate and respect one another- it’s not just about getting a ring.

Post # 5
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree. I’d run like hell. If he wants to marry me, he’ll ask me. If he doesn’t he won’t.

Also if he says be summer, and by December you aren’t don’t fight, WALK.

Post # 6
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

@persianprincess:

Why do you feel the need to know? I just find your question indiscrete….like you’re getting offended or something about other people’s choices?

Please, help me understand why it bothers you?

Post # 7
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Like the OP it probably doesn’t bother her. It’s just a big ‘ole WTF. Help me understand….

Post # 8
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

@vmec:

Ok, I get that….but can you imagine if all members on this board started pointing out the stuff that they feel is “ole WTF” ?  That would be a pretty negative board in my opinion.

 

Post # 9
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I SO agree, OP and vmec. I hate to see my friends pressure their boyfriends to propose and try to set a mental “date” to be engaged by. I think it is silly and immature, too. If he loves you enough, you shouldn’t have to worry about it!

Post # 10
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I’ll answer.

My deadline is whenever before my boyfriend moves. In a year and a half he will be moving from Portland Oregon to Boston Massachusetts. He honestly couldn’t be moving much farther and still be in the United States. At this time we will be staringt a 4 year LDR. 4 years!

At that time, for both of us, it’s about level of commitment. Sure sure, commitment is a mental thing and you don’t need a ring to have it blah blah blah.

However, for me personally, I need our relationship to be something a little more than just boyfriend and girlfriend for me to devote the next 4 years devoting myself and my heart in a very difficult relationship situation. He completely agrees with me.

Post # 11
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

@Miss Sayrah: But I think that is the point. Lots of women are in relationships for years with no proposal in sight. At some point, the woman needs to set a limit. Not because she wants to coerce or intimidate the man but because it’s her life also. If one of your life goals is marriage and your significant other has gone years and years without proposing that, then I think it is reasonable to either (a) decide that your relationship is more important to you than marriage or (b) set a time frame in which you will move on.

Post # 12
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

@vmec: When you wrote “if he says by summer and by December you aren’t don’t fight, WALK” were you referencing my post? Giving me advice? If so, aren’t you essentially telling me to stick to a “deadline”? I’m confused.

Post # 13
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

I think deadline might be a bit of a harsh word. I might be wrong, but it to me it seems like the ladies on this board aren’t setting deadlines to get their ring. A lot of them have been with their guys for 3+ years without a single indication that he actually wants to move forward (or vague ones). And I agree with you and vmec that if my SO was demanding I give them a ring or ELSE…well, I’d leave too. And it’s not romantic. But these ladies want to give their guys the benefit of the doubt, they want to trust the small indications they’ve given. And they also want to make sure they waited as long as possible, put everything into their relationship they could, and communicated the best they were able before they decide that their life goals and their partner’s don’t mesh and it’s time to move on. I believe these ladies are strong enough and smart enough that if they knew explicitly that their guy was stringing them along and just using them (the whole cow and milk scenario) they would pick up and leave. No matter how hard it is. But they love their guys and sometimes they just need an outlet while they are being patient.

The deadlines help them deal with that possibility that nothing may happen and it’s literally been long enough. Or sometimes the deadlines are just for them to focus on a date to keep their mouth shut. And sometimes the deadlines are literally dates their SO promised they’d be engaged by. I mean, if it’s a promise, how can you not be nervous or excited? I’m sure there is at least one person out there that is ring hungry. But most of the women here are simply trying to navigate waters they’ve never navigated before. It’s not always easy and we’re not always the strongest women we know we are.

Just my 2 cents. Smile

Post # 14
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@jackndiane: Hi, no I was not referring to your post. But I will answer. I think I meant more like if HE said (unpressured) that he wanted to be engaged by summer, and by December he hadn’t asked you to marry him I think you should either stay and ZIP IT, and be content in the relationship or just walk.Meaning HE should stick to the timeline HE gave you, not the one YOU (anyone) gave him.

 

I *do* agree that you should move on if a proposal isn’t happening. But I do not think one should be giving him deadlines. It’s a fine line to determine what’s a “deadline” what’s a “timeline” and if you’re “pressuring”.

Post # 15
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with the OP that deadlines aren’t usually a good thing. Now, Fiance and I had a mutual timeline but there was no deadline ever. I agree with the PP’s that said, if he wanted to marry you he’d propose and if he didn’t/hasn’t then maybe that’s where the conversation should happen, not a fight about a deadline.. Men do what they want….hell or high water wont stop a man from proposing if he really wants to IMO.

Post # 16
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

@vmec: You put that really well. It is a very fine line. And it’s sometimes hard to express a timeline without it sounding like a deadline. 🙂

The topic ‘why deadlines?????????’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors