(Closed) Why do guys have to be such buttholes about getting engaged?

posted 5 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Short answer?  They’re scared.  And I don’t think that fear is necessarily unfounded – it’s a MAJOR decision and there are a lot of very scary things about getting engaged for men (and women…I know I was very nervous about it too).  That said, it would be terribly helpful if people learned how to recognize and communicate their own fear appropriately, lol.  I think that’s largely where the issue lies.

Post # 3
Member
4423 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I would leave it alone. Don’t bring it up this weekend. He now knows the ring you want, you sent all the details, and have brought up the conversation enough times. Unless he’s a complete idiot (which I’m sure he isn’t), he’s got this from now on end. Leave it alone. You’re getting into micromanaging territory. 

Fyi I don’t think he made a face/is weird about getting married to you- I think he was surprised that you’ve planned everything and perhaps he wanted to have some input. 

Post # 4
Member
9559 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Not to be a jerk, but this isn’t a “men” thing – this is a “your man” thing. Does he often make you feel discounted in other aspects of your relationship? 

I wouldnt say this his response is the typical response most men who are excited/ready/happy to get married have. 

Post # 5
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

Ok, first of all, not all men are like this. So don’t group them all together lol.

Second, he probably is a little overwhelmed that engagement, “randomly” or not, keeps getting brought up. It sounds like when he said “if he had the money he would go buy it this weekend” it was just something to put you at ease to confirm, again, that he wants to marry you. I don’t think he meant literally the next time he had $xxx amount he’s going to run out and buy you a ring.

You just celebrated one year together, that’s not exactly an enternity. I think by you putting yourself on the “officially waiting” list that you’re setting yourself up to get hurt. It sounds like he does want to marry you but you’re being a little pushy with it, so I understand him wanting to bring a little joking-ness to the conversation to lighten it up and get you to relax.

Just enjoy living together and being in a loving relationship. He’s not being a “butthole” about this, he actually sounds like a very nice guy who has every intention of marrying you, you just need to chill.

Post # 6
Member
4763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

ladyjane123 :  how did the conversation end? His response would not make me think that I was waiting

Could your anniversary conversation have been just about getting married in general? Maybe he was thrown off that you started to look at rings and expected it so soon, maybe he was thinking “yes I want to get married but I see that another year or so down the line”

My husband can make jokes and such when he is uncomfortable with the situation, I have to tell him to please be serious, I need him to talk to me about whatever it is I’m trying to talk about

His response makes me think he was caught off guard and was uncomfortable. Maybe he wants to marry you but isn’t ready only one year in

Post # 7
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Didn’t read the whole thing, but sounds like to me he totally misread your mood / you totally got the timing wrong on this convo (or both) 

it happens sometimes when you think someone is joking / being light hearted and you realise a tad too late that, no they were serious and are now super pissed. 

Post # 8
Member
46 posts
Newbee

ladyjane123 :  I can totally relate! Instead of bringing up how his reaction made you feel this weekend I would instead ask for a general timeline of when he was expecting to be engaged by.  

Post # 10
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Yikes bee! It sounds like yall are on two different levels right now. Sounds like you are trying to dictate the engagement and that’s not good. 

My FH makes jokes when I’m being overwhelming.  We have been together 8.5 years and have learned so much about each other. Take a little breath,  enjoy living together, enjoy being together. A year is not that long in the scheme of marriage, just enjoy the little things and stop looking for reasons to be mad(because that’s how this comes across) 

Sounds like you are hurt that he is not gungho for getting married right now. But that is okay. Enjoy the journey and dont rush this! It’s so much more special when nobody feels pressured to do anything. I found out(after we started planning our wedding that we mutually decided we wanted to do, no technical proposal) that my FH told some friends over the last couple years he wanted to propose to me and was just waiting on the right time. Evidently there was not one, we had a long conversation that just ended up in marriage and we both came to the realization that that’s what we wanted. It works for us because we are low key like that. Maybe that is more what your story will be. Learn together, love together and stop rushing it!

Post # 11
Member
4763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

ladyjane123 :  I wouldn’t push a marriage and engagement because you are afraid of having kids at the grand old age of 37

It sounds like the conversation ended well, so just see where it goes

Post # 13
Member
676 posts
Busy bee

I totally understand your feelings and I get why you’re upset. He shouldn’t be saying things like that if he doesn’t mean them about getting you a ring the next day because it sets you up for disappointment. It’s not fair for him to say things like that and then act all weirded out when you take him at his word. 

This is a weird example, but humor me. He probably wouldn’t like it if you held off on sex, saying that “if you didn’t have a headache you would be banging right now” and then when he asks later and finds out you’re feeling better and wants sexy time…you look at him like he’s a creep. And throw in a “don’t pressure me!” It’s not the same thing exactly but you know what I mean lol. It makes you think maybe they’re just bullshitting you and puts unnecessary doubts in your mind. And some guys who act like this probably don’t realize the internal turmoil you’re going through all because they were “just joking around.” 

I would take it as he wants to marry you but isn’t quite there yet to start looking at rings. Ring shopping is where it gets real so you don’t want him to start the process before he’s ready. Because once you go ring shopping or start designing the ring of your dreams, it’s hard not to get antsy lol. 

Take solace in the fact that he’s on the same page as you with the timeline so you know roughly how long the wait will be. It’s good you discussed it with him in the moment and he saw you upset so he hopefully learned his lesson. Try not to let this taint your future engagement. Hope this helps!

Post # 14
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think men sometimes act this way because they are unconsciously mirroring the ways our culture teaches us how men and women should behave. The old trope is that women are trying to trap men into committment while men want their freedom to be with multiple women for as long as possible before being “tied down.” Although most of us are more evolved than this and we’ve come a long way, this tired song and dance still plays itself out all the time.

I don’t think you did anything wrong by sending him some of your ring preferences after you had agreed that engagement is on the horizon. This is pretty common and nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. He may not have been expecting you to act so soon and instead of expressing that honestly, he defaulted into the joke about a woman being too eager to marry a reluctant man. I think his reaction was immature, and then you read into that reaction that somehow you should feel ashamed for bringing up marriage. You can re-frame this by checking your own reaction and realizing you are always the one who determines your thoughts and feelings, not anyone else. I feel a lot of shame and guilt as a default basis, too, so I totally get why you would feel so hurt, but, as I said it’s up to you to check your reactions and, if called for, reframe and manage your thoughts.

My advice would be to talk to him seriously but not defensively. “So the other day, I sent you pictures of some of my ring preferences. You seemed a little startled by that and your reaction was confusing to me. You were joking in a way that implied I was being overbearing or sending you something you didn’t want to see. It’s my impression that marriage is something we both want equally and are equally eager for. Have I misinterpreted anything?”

 

Post # 15
Member
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Do you have a timeline in place? E.g. we will be engaged by ___. I would try to make sure there is some sort of mutually agreed timeline (not a vague “sometime in the future”) and then drop it completely.

As for the joking face, I think some people become lighthearted as a way to ease uncomfortable feelings. Don’t take it personally, I’m sure he wasn’t actually thinking “wow, she is crazy for bringing this up.”

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