(Closed) Why do guys have to be such buttholes about getting engaged?

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
9695 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

ladyjane123 :  

Unapologetic gender stereotyping alert

It’s best not to try to talk to a man about anything of importance if there is a TV within his visual range. Sound is just the cherry on the parfait. Audio is not required for watching sports. And he carries the secret hope that, at any moment, we’ll spontaneously be moved to change the channel to some game or another.

It’s not even entirely their fault. It’s just how their brains are wired; they don’t multitask anywhere near as well as we do. Dh can’t put something in the refrigerator and talk to me at the same time. He stops dead in his tracks.

TV is the ultimate look-squirrel for a guy who doesn’t want to have the discussion he’s having.

Honestly, Bee. You have only been together for a year. What was the reasoning behind moving in together so quickly?

Post # 19
Member
9695 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

twocaratpeony :  

Yup. ‘Jokiness’ = anxiety.

Post # 21
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

mimivac :  Great advice on how to have the next conversation and that’s exactly how I would do it too.

 

ladyjane123 :  In my experience, I have found that I tend to jump to conclusions / assume things but when I sit down and have a conversation with him, we realize that I had just misunderstood something. Regarding your question about why men don’t think of things like fertility, etc, whatever you mentioned is exactly why. Because it’s something they don’t have to deal with so there is no reason for them to think about it unless you bring it up. Most of the time, they do it more out of not knowing things or not being in a position where they’re required to think about these things. Even with wedding planning, all they really think they need to do is probably get an outfit, pick a venue, order food, cake, invite people and that’s it. Women (mostly) tend to think about all the details like when, where, what in addition to what type of dress they want to wear, hair, makeup, accessories, etc.

As another poster mentioned, they probably also have some preconceived notions of what marriage would be like or how much weddings cost. In my case, my SO thought weddings and kids cost much less than they actually do and I’m the one educating him on the realistic costs. 

Post # 22
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

sassy411 :  OMG I’m cracking up, my bf does the same thing. I can ask him to bring me a glass of water to the couch and turn off the light, and he can only remember to do one of the two things. Its amazing men can function everyday.

Post # 24
Member
47038 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

slomotion :  exactly! How can we ever expect the world to stop stereotyping women, if we do the same to men?

 

Post # 25
Member
1233 posts
Bumble bee

ladyjane123 :  I know you feel really strongly about this but at the end of the day, I’m sure you’d be happy to marry him with a ring from a gym ball machine. I’d drop things for the next few months. He knows what you’re looking for in a ring. Offer to help if he wants it. BUT an engagement ring is a gift so if it’s not the perfect salt and pepper diamond you picked out then you’re going to need to come to terms with that. I think a lot of men generally want to know the shape of the diamond, ring style, and the preferred color gold and go from there. Let your man pick the exact stone and carat size based on his budget. It’s a gift — a really expensive gift you’re going to wear forever — but still a gift he wants to purchase and give to you. 

Post # 26
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2019

He told you he doesn’t have the money for a ring right now and you immediately responded by sending him ring options. He probably felt attacked honestly. I get that you’re super excited because the conversation is definitely pointing towards an engagement soon but that doesn’t mean that you get to take over just because he said he’s on the track towards proposing. Keep in mind that you may not be the only one who’s thought about your proposal your whole life. Its very likely he’s always thought about it too, especially since he started dating you. This is pretty much the one aspect of the wedding planning process that he will have comlete control over and you really need to take a step back and let him. Trust me, I get your side and excitement because I did the same thing. But you just have to sit back, relax, and trust that he’s doing this his way in his time and its not your place to take over. 

Post # 27
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

bewitched :   may2019bee :  This

ladyjane123 :  Every guy is different and some may be okay with their SO picking out the ring but some may prefer to do it themselves. It sounds like he might want to do it himself. I understand you want a ring you love especially if you’re gonna be wearing it all the time but when it comes down to it, any ring he gets might make you happy. You can always tell him something you definitely don’t want if there are some aspects of the ring you feel you’re strongly against (size, type, shape, color, band width, etc).

I wanted to make sure there weren’t any elements of the proposal I hated like having it done in a huge event or something over the top. Whenever I mentioned it, my SO said it’s completely up to him and this is the one thing I would have no control over. It made me anxious but in the end, it was the perfect proposal. And as other bees often say, when it came down to it, I would actually not have cared how the proposal went as it felt great just to be proposed to and to have any ring lol. 

Post # 28
Member
2900 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

ladyjane123 :  So I had to re-read your post a couple of times to make sure I got the details correct, so if I’m off, please let me know.

It sounds like you guys have had general conversations about getting married and never had a timeline in place.  Then he said if he had the money he’d get you a ring, then you sent him pictures of exactly what you wanted.  Maybe he was taken back a bit?  You may have come across as bit jumping the gun when you hadn’t had the conversation yet.  I know a lot of people get engaged around a year in (I did) but that doesn’t mean everyone that’s in their mid 30s does.  Couple that with this guy has an ex wife….maybe he is a bit leary?  Maybe he’s being a bit cautious?  FWIW, I didn’t start sending pictures of rings to my husband until he basically said he was ready to go shopping “today”.  But we had the timeline discussion way before the shopping conversation happened.  That’s not to say I didn’t have a say in my future, because I certainly did with the timeline, but it’s a little different when you’re talking general vs specifics. It sounds like you didn’t get specific until you started crying.

And some people, not just guys, don’t like being told what kind of gift to buy.  When my husband and I first started talking about rings, I told him I want to be involved.  He assumed he would have total say in the ring since it was his gift, and he wanted to like it too.  So we compromised, I sent him pictures and he picked the final ring.  I know guys that wanted their girlfriends to pick out every aspect of the ring and guys that wanted to pick it out all by themselves.

I think you need to relax and stop stereotyping.  To be honest, my husband was ready for marriage sooner than me, so it’s not just a guy thing to be careful when it comes to commitment.

Post # 29
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee

ladyjane123 :  Ok, I think I’m coming at this from a different angle than the other bees. I actually think YOU were in the wrong here. And I think you continue to be in the wrong by painting your partner in such a bad light and projecting societal issues (all men stereotyping) onto him when you know he’s better than that. (I’m not judging you, I have been known to do this to Darling Husband.)

My husband and I collaborated on my ring. But had I gone about it the way you did, I likely would have gotten the same confused/befuddled reaction.

I communicated my desire to be involved in the ring creation process and asked Darling Husband how he felt about that prospect. He gave it some thought and said he liked the idea.

You and your partner seemingly never talked about expecations regarding your level of involvement. As you say, HE thought he was going to go the “traditional” route and go it alone. So your involvement caught him off guard. Which tells me you did nothing ahead of time to ensure the two of you were on the same page. You never asked him how he felt about you picking out your own stones. You didn’t even give him a heads up that you wanted to do that. You just did it. 

For me and Darling Husband, there were SO many conversations to ensure we were on the same page. He gave me his budget and preferred carat size. I told him my preferred cut and also ASKED HIM if he also liked it. (OEC/AVR)

I didn’t just dictate – I like this cut, so you better get me this cut.

I had a slight preference for rose gold but when I asked him what metal HE wanted, he said Plat. Since my preference was only slight, I decided to go with Plat. I showed him my favorite 3-4 settings and he chose my second favorite. I’m happy with my current ring because we created it together so lovingly, and we both took each others feelings and preferences into account while designing it. 

I think you really need to sit down and decide what level of involvement you want here. If all you really want is to choose the stone and leave ALL other design choices to your partner, that’s fine, but in your shoes I would revisit Saturday’s talk and apologize for ambushing him. I would also ensure (if you haven’t already) that your partner also likes the sort of stones you chose and would feel happy gifting you that sort of ring. Then, the two of you need to communicate your expectations of this entire process to each other so that you can get on the same page and manage your respective expectations. 

Overall, I’m very happy for you that y’all have agreed to a timeline of June for proposal and wedding in the fall. I’ve been following your relationship from the start and I’m so happy that you are in such a great place. I think these big milestone events bring a LOT of stress and anxiety, and it’s natural to become a bit combative in that mindset. Just take deep breaths and remind yourself your partner loves you and is BETTER than the general stereotypes we carry around about men. That’s why you’re marrying him!

sassy411 :   twocaratpeony :  This is too funny. Last night, Darling Husband was going into the kitchen at bed time specifically to turn off the light. He asked if I wanted anything before he left the bedroom. I said yes, grab my Ava bracelet off the charger please. He returns with my Ava bracelet and climbs into bed.

5 minutes later. I turn to Darling Husband and smile at him creepily. He says… whaat? I say, “Did you turn the kitchen light off?” Cue Shame Face and slowly crawling back out of bed to go turn the light off. He had completely forgotten about the light once he was given the mission of retrieving my bracelet. lol

Post # 30
Member
2345 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

ladyjane123 :    Talk is easy  and cheap when there’s no likelihood of it happening right then.  (If ONLY I had the money for a ring my darling I’d marry you tomorrow. yadayada…) You took his words as serious and suddenly he felt trapped because he was only saying what he knows you want to hear. You have every right to feel hurt and angry. 

*You* are 100% sure you want to marry him,  so much so that you asked him for marriage. *He* on the other hand is NOT 100% sure ( whatever his words,  they’re obviously just words) which is why you’re not engaged right now. .. 

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