Why do guys have to be such buttholes about getting engaged?

posted 1 week ago in Waiting
Post # 33
Member
2860 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

ladyjane123 :  Well, not trying to argue, but I see that sending an email about salt and pepper diamonds is pushier than saying you want to go shopping and be involved.  There’s a difference between wanting to do something someday (like the when I have the money comment) and doing it today.  I think he was definitely talking in the someday sense.

Again, you’re generalizing with the men stereotypes — “most men don’t see a huge rush”…  You’ve only been together a year.  I have to ask, how long was he married before?…because I think that plays a big role in this.

Edit — OK, I went back and read some of your previuos posts.  You guys started dating 8 months after his divorce.  He’s your first “real” relationship, and you were already asking about timelines a few months into being official.

I say this with kindness — please slow your roll!

You also said in one of your posts that your boyfriend felt pressured into getting married by his ex wife.  His clearly is a guy that wants to take his time – and I don’t blame him!  You said you met his family and they think you’re great, etc – yeah, I’ve met the family of every guy I’ve dated and been told the same thing….cause I am awesome (LOL).  What I’m trying to say is not take everything so literally.  You’re so worried about timelines and getting engaged that you are coming across as a bit….pushy.  You see marriage as the end goal, like you’re finally be happy once you get married, and instead you’re not enjoying the here and now.  I don’t know your guy at all, but it does not really sound like he’s being completely unreasonable.  I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt and think he’s not leading you on, but you’ve really only been dating a short time in the grand scheme of things – and he’s fresh off a divorce.

If he holds on to this June timeline, then that’s great.  But something tells me he’s not going to be ready just yet.  Take a deep breath and try to enjoy the relationship without all this added pressure.

Post # 34
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

ladyjane123 :  I think since you’ve only been dating for a year, living together for a few months, and had a very general conversation about engagement that his reaction to the ring email was pretty normal. He was probably very caught off guard.

I think it’s too early to say he’s dragging his feet, and I think it’s presumptuous to say that he “isn’t sure if he wants to marry you, because you’d be engaged if he did.” It’s  been a year, you have not set a hard timeline that he’s broken.

Post # 35
Member
1825 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

ladyjane123 :  I might be the only person saying this, but honestly I think you overreacted during that conversation sitting watching tv. I could be totally wrong, but your boyfriend sounds like my husband. My husband is super unemotional and anything that comes up that’s sweet, sappy, sad, touching, etc. he brushes off and makes into a joke. He’s not very good at handling his emotions. I got used to it early so I know what he really means. But for instance, when I was almost positive he had the ring (he did) I would ask him when we would get engaged and he’s say with a big smile “I never want to get married.” Some people might think he’s a jerk for that but I translated it as “I want to propose and get married to you but I can’t admit that because that’s too much emotion so I’m going to be sarcastic.” 

Some men are just very sarcastic and can’t take anything seriously. If I wouldn’t have realized that about my husband, we could have very well had a fight about getting engaged and married but we didn’t because I know how to read him.

Please ignore my advice if this doesn’t sound like your boyfriend, but is it possible he’s the sarcastic type who was just joking? Then when you started to cry he went into panic mode and didn’t know exactly what to say? Bc that’s what it sounds like to me.

You have given him the stones and ideas for settings, ring size, etc. so the ball is in his court. I think it’s fair to give him a few months and see where things go.

Also-if he though weddings were 50k I think he could have been confused and probably nervous about that much spending. I’m sure now that he realizes how little you want to spend and how much your parents are contributing, he’ll be even more ready to pop the question.

Post # 36
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

ladyjane123 : so sorry,  not trying to be harsh.  If he’s claiming: “he has no problem proposing tomorrow” than ask him directly why he has *not*. All that’s needed for a proposal is a simple question that he knows you will answer in the affirmative as you have already asked him….

I’m sorry op but I call bullshit on all his talk…I feel bad for you.  I would be hurt and pissed too.

Post # 37
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Ok so I am in a similar point in life. Boyfriend and I are both 34. We also both “knew” pretty quickly. Moved in around the 7 month mark (earlier than I wanted but his lease was up and we took a chance – all worked out for good)

Around 6 months of dating we went away for a weekend. We got a little drunk in the hotel and he starts talking all about marriage. How he knows he wants to marry me, he’d do it now but it would seem too fast so hes gonna wait a little longer. He ends the convo saying I will have to send him what kind of ring I want.

Im interally freaking out. I feel the same but its nice to hear him say it out loud. I start researching rings. I almost sent it to him! BUT something in my gut said to wait. So I did. A couple months later it came up again and we started talking timelines and venues. At this time he said he was saving for the ring so he wasnt ready yet (wanted to pay cash).

A couple months later he has the money saved and asks me for the ring details. Ring is now on order and he tells me he will propose ASAP. We are both very happy and excited.

My point is… he may really want to marry you, but it sounds like he needs a little time. I get your urgency, but you gotta let him get there too. I know how the internal freakout feels when THEY start discussing marriage. Its so nice! But try not to bring it up, dont mention it, just bite your tongue for a month or two. Sounds like you have a timeline and he is saying the right things. Give him time to get to where you are so you can both enjoy it and be 100% on the same page.

If I had pushed my guy after that first and second conversation I dont know what would have happened. But I do know Im really glad I gave him space to initiate things cause it feels really good to know HE is excited to marry me too.

Post # 38
Member
315 posts
Helper bee

sarathemermaid :  I agree with you.

Also OP, 

I personally can sense your nervousness from the tone of your comments, and how you have picked up every little detail and interpreted it from your perspective. It’s a bummer and a deal breaker if he’s generally sarcastic about everything you say, but if not, I feel like you’re overreacting.

I have a hard time understanding the rationale behind moving in with someone after registering to wedding bee actually. If a man gets every privilege comes with marriage without dealing with the hustle and bustle of it within a year of a relationship, why on earth would he rush to get married? It’s not even a man or woman thing, I know I wouldn’t deal with it. Someone who wants to take the control of their future in their hands doesn’t rely that much on some other person’s wish. If you are feeling like your biological time is running out now, I think you both should have known this and discussed 3 months ago before moving in.

Post # 40
Member
7342 posts
Busy Beekeeper

lifeisbeeutiful :  

She didn’t ‘plan everything ‘  , she sent him some ring specs that she fully thought he was expecting. I think it just  got real for him. 

Post # 41
Member
2341 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

ladyjane123 :  I haven’t read the replied yet but you need to realize two things. 1. Men are not all the same and are not afraid to commit. YOUR boyfriend is a butthole. YOUR boyfriend makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells. YOUR boyfriend obviously doesn’t want to commit to you in that way yet or he would. 2. You’ve only been together for a year and moved in at 9 months. The ketchup in my fridge has been around longer than you have. You need to stop making blanket statements generalizing men to fit the poor characteristics of YOUR boyfriend.  Go back and read your post about “men” and understand that all those bad things you described only pertain specifically to your boyfriend and yet you still want to desperately to marry him.  Hmmm….

Post # 42
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

ladyjane123 :  he felt on the spot when you brought up the ring

 He was unprepared and acted like a dolt. Men. Yep. 

They don’t know how sensitive this can be for women

 Try not to overthink. Give him time. 

Post # 44
Member
2341 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

ladyjane123 :  “take that judgmental bull shit somewhere else” as you made an entire post to generalize and try to stereotype all men based on your asshole boyfriend who won’t marry you. Call me an asshole all you want. You posted on a public forum and received feedback you might not like. However, I’m not the one waiting for a ring or marriage as my husband isn’t one of the asshole men you described (like yours). Good day. 

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