(Closed) Why do guys have to be such buttholes about getting engaged?

posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
43 posts
Newbee

Amen sister, you took the words right out of my mouth! Honestly, most guys (I can’t say all cause I don’t know) are quite scared especially when it comes to commitment, it’s a massive thing for them! I feel like girls are ready to get engaged/married before guys do which is fine, however, for us girls, it’s frustrating!

I truly don’t think you should take it as there is something wrong with you or he doesn’t love you or he will never propose because he will propose, just in his own time. YOU ARE WONDERFUL! Guys just take longer to come around, whatever their reason is. 

My advice to you would be to just work on yourself in the meantime whether it’s going to the gym, or taking online classes, whatever you wanted to do – do it now! 🙂 focus on yourself and let him come to you. At least when he proposes to you, you’ll feel content that it was completely sincere and he was ready to marry you and not because you guys kept arguing over it. Everything will be fine, just give it time. 🙂

I hope this helps! 🙂 x 

remember, you are worth it.

Post # 47
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee

I’ll just put the gender stereotyping issue aside because others have already pointed out that this is not an all-men issue. 

But as for the shopping/ring specs thing I can jump in with some advice from someone who hates shopping and knows F*** all about rings/jewelry – Emailing the exact specs of what you want would actually be much more intimidating and pushy to me than offering to come shopping. It shows that you know EXACTLY what you want, but that he has to find it and execute on your vision – without having any personal understanding of jewelry. 

To you it may seem obvious from all of the information that you’ve sent him, but you’ve done the research. So you can see the slight difference between a ____ setting and a ____ setting, whereas to him they may look close enough to be the same thing.

You know how it’s often really hard to buy gifts for someone for their passion/hobby because there can be differences between styles and brands that only a person that uses them every day could know

I know you were just trying to be helfpul, but I’d try to take a different path with the ring. Talk to him about how he wants to go about getting it.. It’s not always fair to be really extremely specific about what you want, but then to task them with sourcing it out. You either have to be flexible and appreciate their input/choices, or you have to choose it yourself. 

Post # 48
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Separate question… but if he doesn’t have money for a ring.. are kids in the near future really a good idea?

 

Post # 49
Member
1153 posts
Bumble bee

While not all men make jokes like this about getting engaged / married, they ARE certainly a bit funny when it comes to talking about it, or having your input.

My fiancé / boyfriend at the time was a bit funny talking about timeline as well, but I explained to him that I wasn’t suggesting I wanted to get married now or soon (this was couple years ago), I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page so we’re not both wasting time. I told him my timeline and he said he thinks we’re on the same page (without revealing his) so that was the best I got. 

And fiancé and I agreed, before getting engaged, that he wanted my input on the ring and has no idea what to get otherwise lol, so we went looking. And I researched some more after and decided I want this specific morganite ring (within his budget), sent him the link, and we talked about it, and in the end he’s like “I’ll take it into consideration”, I just laugh internally like….you don’t need to pretend you’re not getting that ring!

Or some jokes when I was waiting last year around March (I knew he likely had the ring already and wasn’t anxious about it) that maybe it would happen next March, I assume in an effort to throw me off. I joked back well I wouldn’t be still waiting around next March so… tik tok lol…

But yea one of my friends has been with her partner for about 3 years now and her partner completely shut down when she wanted to talk about marriage and timelines last year. It did NOT go well. Even though it seems like the relationship is going pretty well (other than a couple of minor things but I think it’s not prohibitive for them). After several conversations she told him that when their 6 months lease ends this year she will not be renewing with him unless there’s some kind of progress. So…yea it’s certainly a common issue.

Post # 50
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

slomotion :  I agree here.  This behavior isn’t a man thing.  Before we got engaged, I showed him joke rings and also rings I liked.  He never looked annoyed or upset.  Nor did he dismiss my likes.

The dangers w/saying “it’s man/woman” thing, is that people will excuse their partner’s bad behavior.  They will think that is ok because every man/woman does the same thing.  Your partner should respect you. 

Post # 51
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

I’ve been married twice and was obviously engaged twice. I never offered any input on rings at all even though the relationship was getting serious. Nothing. Not ring sizies, cuts, etc. Both times I was happily surprised and happy with the engagement rings. I think the less you say the better. Even if the ring doesn’t turn out exactly what you envisioned, you can always get another ring down the road. Anniversary ring, etc. You will be so excited about him asking you, that is all that will matter. You will be overjoyed. I am not saying this is what you are doing but men feel controlled when you tell them what kind of ring you want unless they specifically ask you to shop for the ring with them. Even then they want you to give them an idea of what you like but they usually want to pick it and surprise you. I wouldn’t say anything more about the ring and I would act like I totally forgot about it. Then see what he does. If he doesn’t propose within a reasonable amount of time, I would move out. 

 

Post # 52
Hostess
9545 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Keep it civil, ladies.

Post # 53
Member
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

ladyjane123 :  from reading all of your descriptions of your conversations with him about engagement/marriage it seems extremely one sided, with saying what you want and him nodding along (paying attention or not, I couldn’t really tell). 

It seems to me that he was married previously, divorced, met you 8 months later, and y’all have dated for a year. Is this the situation? I don’t know about you but if I had only been divorced less than two years I wouldn’t been rushing into another marriage either. I don’t think you are taking his feelings/situation into account at all. Only your own. 

You can enjoy life for another year at least with him without rushing madly towards your end goal of kids/marriage can’t you? If this is your only real relationship ever it might be a good idea for you to take your time anyway.

Post # 54
Member
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

bibliophilacticbee :  absolutely!!! OP says that the stones she sent him were under $1000, if he cant afford $1000 for the ring at the moment I’d be very concerned about how the two of you will be paying for a wedding/children etc. 

Post # 55
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

Mary Ellen1 :  For the most part I agree!  I told my fiance what cut I liked and would send him pics off yahoo images of cool engagement rings.  Other then that let him do ths on his own.  Also if he isn’t willing, you do not want to pressure him into engagement.  Lay off for a bit and see what happens.  If nothing moves forward consider a walk away date.

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