(Closed) Why do I feel like 30 is too late?

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I feel the same way.  I’ve always wanted to have kids before I’m 30.  I think a lot of it has to do both with cultural norms – most of my classmates from Russia are married with kids at this point – and with my mom.  She had me when she was 24 and constantly said that she was “too old” to have a second child when she was in her mid-30s.  

I will be 27 by the end of this year, and really want to start TTC in 2015.  FI and I are in an OK place financially, but I’m studying to get my PhD, and I know having a baby will delay my graduation.  Its almost enough to make me want to quit!  

Post # 17
Member
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Yeah, don’t worry.  My grandma had 4 kids in her 30s (and this was back in the 40s and 50s).  It’s silly to think that 30 is old, or that for some reason you will automatically have less energy (seriously, people — start working out if you are that young and have no energy!).

My husband and I are 32, going on 33 this year, and we’re just finally getting around to the buy a house and have a kiddo point — mostly because it looks like I will have a break in my career (whether wanted or not), so we’ll have lots of time to take care of a baby. 

Post # 18
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee

My mom had kids at 19 and 23, and so when she became a grandma she was only 53. So she can still play with my nieces and do all that without issue. They also got to meet our grandparents (their great grandparents) because everyone in my family seems to have had kids young

I can’t help but think like, the longer I wait to have kids the older my parents will be, and by the time my kids have kids how old will I be? I think that’s the major thing driving me to have kids before 30, even though we aren’t ready for them yet and I don’t want to have kids before we’re married.

 My grandmother on my father’s side died of heart failure at 53. The memories I have of her are few and not very clear or important. The strongest memory I have is sitting at her feet while she smoked a cigarette and we watched tv together. My dad thankfully has made it past 53, but not without having a heart attack of his own. It would kill me if my dad died before I had kids of my own. It’s just that life is so short and I don’t want to feel like someone missed out on something great because of timing. I want my kids to have lots of great memories of everyone I love and I can’t help but feel like the longer I wait the more I’m taking away.

Post # 19
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My mom had me at 36, and my brother at 40, so I always thought I would want to be an older parent too… My parents were in a much better position to raise children at that age, and I had a great childhood and experience. 

Personally, I would want to wait as long as possible (like TTC around 35), but FI’s parents are young, and he doesn’t want to be an older parent. 

I’m 27 now, and only one of my friends has a baby- and she is totally lonely, and keeps begging us to have one too.

Post # 20
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Im 24, my husband is 29 and we have a daughter which will be 3 in July.

Coming from someone that had a baby relatively young, im honestly happy that i had her at the age i did. My parents are both in their early 40’s and they get to play with her, go out with her and enjoy her fully. Which SO’s mom is in her 60’s and well things are a little more complicated for my terrible twos toddler to be around her.

Im considering having another child waay before im 30, i cant see myself having kids after that. IMO age doesn’t have to do with you being or not being ready for a child. Because to be honest you’re never ready lol and perfect timing? lol, much less.

I know two people that recently had miscarriages one is in her 20’s and the other in her 30’s, so like previously mentioned age is nothing but a number

Post # 21
Member
2517 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I live in a city, most of the women I know through friends and work are in their 30s when they start to have babies.  Of all of my close friends one had babies before she hit 30 (her first at 17, her second at 23) she’s now nearly 31 and thinking of having a third.  

I’ll be 33 before we TTC and it seems to be the norm around my social group.  I know lots of people have babies in their 20s, but amongst my friends is exceedingly rare.  My cousins have 1 child (he is the same age I am and his wife is 3 years younger.)  They’re the only couple I know who made a conscious effort to have kids in their 20s.  But they live in a much smaller city and that’s what their friends are/were doing at the time. (I’m not saying they had her because their friends were having babies, just that it was their ‘normal’.) 

FI’s family all had their babies in their 30s.  His brother’s wife is due with their 2nd and she’s 35.  So for us, it seems totally on plan to have babies in your 30s.  

Post # 22
Member
4131 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m 39 and 19 weeks pregnant with my first Child. I didn’t even meet Darling Husband until a few weeks before I turned 36. 

Im financially stable. Darling Husband is financially stable. We have a house (2 actually – I’m renting out the condo I owned when we met). We are both secure in our careers and have many years of experience and years with the same companies so we can both comfortably take off the time we want to take off. 

Is this when I’d ideally thought I’d have kids – no. But are there some real perks to being older – yes. 

DH’s mom had him at 42 back in the 70’s. My mom had me at 27. a PP mentioned age of grandparents – my mom’s mom died when I was 6, she was 64. So you can only take that stuff into account so much. 

Post # 23
Member
2094 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

rumpunch712:  I’m like this but for my 40’s! 

I agree with another poster about timelines society hands us. Clearly, I missed the “30” timeline. Even 35. I’m currently 36, newly married and NOW heavily considering babies. 

I just want to say I get what you are saying. It can feel like a lot of pressure. I just try to trust I’m right where I need to be or I wouldn’t be here. 🙂 And just FYI…I’m 36. I’m thinking we won’t seriously try until I’m 37 and I suppose it’s up the wind as to when it will take! 

We too are paying off debt. 

 

I just oust wanted to let you know you aren’t the only one. 🙂

Post # 24
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

What helped me get over the idea that 30 is old was turning 30…lol. Girl it’s coming like it or not and for me it was oy the beginning. I was married at 30 and had my twin boys at 31…now I’m 32 and it’s crazy bit im already entertaining the idea of another baby before 35. 

I have no clue why women consider marriage, kids ect as some kind of accomplishment they need to secure by age 30. It reminds me when people say they were a partner of a law firm by age 25 or are the youngest in their practice to obtain tenure or got their PhD by 28. Kids and marriage add to your life in many ways, why a timeline is so important is beyond me. 

Post # 25
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee

rumpunch712:  I feel ya. I’m 30 and not even engaged let alone married so it’s getting harder and harder for me to envision a baby now. I guess I have time but it’s getting harder to maintain a positive outlook. 

Post # 26
Member
4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I agree with a lot of PPs that it may have a lot to do with cultural or personal expectations. I for one am excited to be getting closer to my 30s (I’m only 25 so have a ways to go…) for a few reasons. More settled in my career as a teacher, husband more settled in his, more money saved up (hopefully), etc. I think the view I had of my 20s when I was younger was so unrealistic. Yeah, Darling Husband and I are married at 25/26 (we also got married Dec. 2013!) and have been together for 5 years, but I don’t feel that much different than I did a few years ago (except more settled). Sometimes I even wonder how these past few years have gone by so quickly. I think there is a lot of unrealistic pressure on women especially to be married and have kids by 30 simply because our culture doesn’t seem to progress in these traditional values as quickly as individuals do.

That being said, my Darling Husband and I are planning on TTC next summer, which would make us 27/28 when our first baby is born. We want two, but I completely want to wait until my early-mid 30s to have our second child. I’ve always wanted to spend as much quality time with each kid as possible when they’re little and growing so quickly. Darling Husband and I joke that we’ll have to wait at least 4 years between kids because we’ve had our cat for 4 years and aren’t even ready for another animal because we want to focus our attention on him (he’s pretty spoiled…). Don’t feel bad! You’re getting things in place so that when the time comes you’re as ready as you ever could be and will hopefully worry less about life things and can focus on enjoying pregnancy/baby.

ETA: I should add that our TTC timeline of next summer is our early timeline…if we get there and don’t feel ready for whatever reason, we’ll delay until we do. Plenty of time! 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  KatiePi.
Post # 27
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

rumpunch712:  I guess it’s because age affects fertility, no matter what people say. I wanted my kids before 30 as well, the second part of it being that I want to be young and able to do things with them! I don’t want to be 50 when they’re 15! i also want to enjoy time with my husband once the kids are out of the house, and we finally have some money:-)

http://m.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/the-clock-is-ticking-female-fertility-declines-earlier-than-you-think/article4223161/?service=mobile

That being said, don’t look around too much. Everyone does what they do for different reasons, and they all have benefits as well as drawbacks 🙂

 

Post # 28
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

rumpunch712:  Your timeline sounds like mine was as well… excet that I am somehow now 5 months pregnant at 28 (a very happy surprise). 

Honestly, whilst we are delighted to have her coming, especially as I was told I would likely need treatment (PCOS), things would have been way easier if I had become pregnant at 30. Because of an international move, we both are pretty much restarting in our careers (I’m a teacher, but my credential isn’t likely to be accepted here, so I’ll need to do some extra training – thankfully my degrees will be accepted but it still may take a year! He had to change careers for health reasons and so did, but now he is back in the US and working in a warehouse until we are a position to send him back to school). We have good health insurance, some savings and incredible family support so will be able to get through it all, but those extra 2 years could have made a huge, huge difference. 

Post # 29
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I thought 30 was old too. I’ve recently been dealing with some health issues in the lady parts department. I was talking to my doctor about having babies after 30 and he assured me that was young, and I have plenty of time!! 

 

Post # 30
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I did have a self-imposed goal of having one child by age 30. I don’t know exactly why I did that. A lot of factors probably subconscious: would I be able to conceive? I don’t want to be dropping teenagers off at parties at 10:00 and picking them up at 1:00 when I’m 50, I want to be a ‘young mum’,I want to be able to have kids then bore ahead with my career for a good while before I retire. And I admit that in the last couple of years I have been pretty uptight about needing a child soon, but I think getting pregnant and seeing that I’m still the only one in our group, at 32 to be pregnant or have children has made me mellow out. Now I know I can conceive that has taken a lot of pressure out of the situation. That was previously a big unknown. I know there are no guarantees that conceiving once time means it will happen easily again but it tends to rule out some major permanent infertility. 

I think the pressure can come from one’s culture too. But I think a lot of it is internalised fear about infertility as we age. 

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