(Closed) Why do I feel like 30 is too late?

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 31
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

I hate that 30+ is perceived as “too old” to start having children. We’re both 28 and we will not be ready to start considering a kid until we’re 30. I see absolutely nothing wrong with this but apparently a lot of people whose opinions don’t matter do. It’s almost as if these people would prefer that I have a child before I feel like I’m ready just because I’m staring down the barrel of 30 and they think it’s the right thing to do. For what it’s worth, the most stable families and best parents that I know had kids after 30. Not to say that younger people are shitty parents, because they’re not, there’s just something to be said for providing your family with financial independence that many younger parents aren’t capable of (can’t wait for the slew of replies saying how super mature and financially stable everyone here was at 22 when they had their first, lol). I know that everyone’s situation is different but when I have a kid, I would like for our situation to be as close to perfect as possible, which is why we’re waiting. If I pop out a kid at 32, oh well. I’m fairly certain he won’t be born with two heads or a tail so I think we’ll be good. 

Post # 32
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

 

rumpunch712:  You do have good reason to want children before 30.

Nothing wrong with giving birth later. One of the benefits of older parents is the knowledge that they really wanted children. My own mom was 41 when she had me.

Nevertheless, age related fertility is a real problem causing heartache for millions of women. I intended to have kids around your age. Grad school, the first few years of my career, then serious health problems kept making me choose to put it off. I ran into age-related fertility and was not able to give birth to a child. I did adopt.

Society is not set up now to make it easy to have children, and the message is always to wait, wait, wait, until circumstances are right. In an industrial society, children are a financial burden, rather than the welcome help on the farm they once were. No matter what, it will never be easy financially. There will never be a perfect time. As one of my professors said years ago, “If you wait until you can afford to have kids, you will never have them.” He was the father of 5 daughters.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  Anonymous1063.
Post # 33
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

rumpunch712: I totally feel your pain. I felt the same way almost two years ago when I was 28. Heck I feel the same way today! I will be 30 in December and I feel like I’m running behind. I feel like I need to have a kid like yesterday. We are planning to passively TTC (crazy, right?) in October. We will start the scientfic/biologica/purposely trying in Feb/Mar during our European honeymoon (hopefully!).  It probably makes me feel worse because one or two of my friends/DH’s cousins had their kids in their early twenties. 

Then I try to put it into perspective and tell myself that not everyone’s life is on the same timeline. Different things will happen at different points in our lives. I wanted a baby before 30, but it’s not likely. When it happens, the child, Darling Husband and I will be better people for it…I hope! Sorry I don’t have much to add as of right now because I’m not over that hill yet.

But I am definitely enjoying the responses. They help. Keep them coming, ladies!

Post # 34
Member
6785 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Boy #1 12/2015, boy #2 02/2018

rumpunch712:  I actually was the opposite, most of my friends and cousins have their kids before age 30. For me, 30 was just like the perfect age to start having kids. I will be 30 in 7 months and actively trying. I think it will happen when it happens, and by then I hope to be in a much better place financially and done with school. I do want, really want to be done having kids by 36. I would be happy with 2 kids, so timewise, we should be ok. I think the most important thing is to stay healthy and happy, so when pregnancy and kids come, one can handle them a lot better. 🙂

Post # 35
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

In the area where I live now most people have kids after 30. However in the place where I am from it is not common. For me 30 also feels late, because I am really scared what if we wont be able to concieve immediately and I will get pregnant at 35+? It really terrifies me given the maternal age risk for some genetic deseases.  The studies and statistics vary, but on average the chances for down syndrome are 1 in more than 1200 if the mother is 25 and 1 in 400 if she is 35…. I am not ready to accept these odds!

Post # 36
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Defeinitely societal messages.  I live in NYC and was raised just outside, and I know exactly one person who had children before the age of 30, and she is conservative religiously and had to get married before she could have sex, so it’s common in her culture to get married early and pregnant immediately after.  The rest of us all waited…I mean, technically I just got out of school 6 years ago (law school), so I needed some time to chill and get used to existing as a real human being with responsibilities before TTC.  

Post # 37
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Your feelings are most likely stemming from the fact that most of the people in your circle are expecting or already have kids. You feel that you can no longer relate to them on such a fundamental level.

Post # 38
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

rumpunch712:  Well unless you just want one child there is no way you will be done having babies by 30 unless you get pregnant this second and then get pregnant again right away 🙂 That ship has sailed just focus on enjoying the rest of your 20’s and do all the things you can’t easily do with kiddos- going out, taking some trips ect

Nowadays its almost ( especially in my area) its super uncommon to have children BEFORE 30. Anyone I have ever known who has had children before 25 had unplanned babies.  I am the first one of my friends to even utter the word ‘babies’ ( going to TTC 2015- if all goes to plan I will have my first at 27).

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  Boxerlover24.
Post # 39
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

It’s probably a cultural thing, but if it helps then the average age for first birth in the UK is 30….

Post # 40
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Royal Park Hotel

Where I’m from (NYC) if someone is giving birth under the age of 26 they’re practically considered a teen mom.   So having a baby at 32-33 is much more the norm.

You’re the oldest you’ve ever been so everything seems exacerbated.  Just relax and go at your own pace.  You’ll be happy you did.

Post # 41
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I think it’s cultural messages of what we perceive a certain age will be like. When I was 21 I thought 30 was old. At 28 I thought 40 was old, and now at 36 I’ve dropped all perceptions of what the age will be like. I still feel young and vibrant when years ago I thought at 40 I’d be old and dried up.

I’ve done it both ways. Had a child as a teenager and now this is my second child. Each were different experience. I was going to broke, going to college, struggling to find sitters…still finding my way with my first child. He had to grow up really fast.  We are super close now, almost like siblings because we are so close in age and that’s great.

However…this baby in my mid 30’s is a wonderful experience too. I get to splurge on fancy baby things, I’m set in my career & financially secure. I’m more patient and can enjoy moments that I didn’t have time for before. I’ve got more sitter than I can count… So each age has it positives.

I put pressure on myself to get pregnant by 35, because all the literature and doctors said it would get harder. NOT TRUE in all cases. I’m fertile as ever, and one month  of ntnp we conceived immediately after age 35….don’t believe the hype.

Post # 42
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee

I also live in NYC, I’m 27 and I don’t have any friends who are even married yet. That said, your number of viable eggs do decrease dramatically after age 30 (by 90% I think I read, maybe someone else can confirm). My mom had me at 35 without incident, and her mom had her at 37 (in the early 1950s!). 

Post # 43
Member
6526 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

rumpunch712:  I am in the same boat as you. I am turning 30 in about 6 months and we are going to start TTC between Oct and Jan. Originally we had dead set plans on Oct. but I am not comfortable with TTC when Darling Husband still owes money on his credit cards. On top of that we will be looking for a new apartment, and in the process of moving. So I think we might post pone TTC until he is all paid off and we found a new place. If we dont start TTC in Oct, we will definitely start TTC in January. I am sad bc its like ugh, Im going to be 30 and everyone else has babies or are pregnant! I want that! I want to experience that so bad! I can just picture Darling Husband as a Dad and it makes me melt

 

Post # 44
Member
2847 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

swonderful:  Actually, I think i t is a slow decline in fertility after age 30, with it become more rapid after 35 and a steep decline after 40.  I got pregnant with my first at age 32 and my second at age 36.  I got pregnant easily both times.  Also, at my kids school, I would say most parents waited until at least 30.  I never feel old there!

Post # 45
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

rumpunch712:  

I feel the same way!

I always wanted kids early (and many kids to top it off), because I just love the thought of having my own children and being a mom.  I was very stubborn on the whole “I must give birth to my first child before I’m 30” idea also, despite the fact that my mom had me when she was 30, and my younger sister 4 years after.  I just wanted to be a young mom so I could “connect” with my kids more, play with my kids more, etc.  

But quite honestly, I don’t know anyone who is a “young mom”, that is, a mom in her 20s.  All of my cousins, my DH’s friends, my coworkers – seriously ALL – had kids when they were 30-35, or even later.  Most of them got married in their late 20s or early 30s also.  Surprisingly, I’m always the youngest married woman whenever Darling Husband and I hangout with DH’s friends (I’m 26 and my hubby is 32).  And being in such environment has allowed me to calm down a bit about the whole “young mom” mode, and I don’t feel as anxious about having kids in my 30s – but a part of me still wants to have a child before I’m 30.  Haha. 🙂

(FYI, hubby and I live in the NYC area – maybe that contributes to later marriage/child birth?)

 

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