(Closed) Why do I feel like a B*tch??

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Aww, I would not be happy either! Earlier in our relationship Darling Husband had some issues doing what he said he was going to do. We did get into some fights about it. We had to have a few talks about it until it finally sank in. If he expects you to follow through when you say you’re going to do something, then he should do the same for you.

Post # 4
Member
9642 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@missjewels:  ((Hugs))  This is one of my pet peeves so I really feel for you.  I despise more than anything for someone to tell me they’re going to do something and then not follow through.  It’s easy enough to not say it in the first place.

However, from his side of it – chances are he had all good intentions of doing what he said.  At least, hopefully he did.  At the very least he should have immediately apologized to you for not doing what he’d said he would do.

Don’t let this go.  You don’t want to get into a situation where he does nothing and you pick up his slack; don’t set that precedent for your marriage.  You have just as many responsibilities outside the home as he does and you’re just as exhausted and short of energy.  Please talk to him about this.  Don’t let him squirm out of it.  You are in no way in the wrong, whatsoever. 

I have a feeling his response to your mentioning that he didn’t get anything done is because he felt guilty about it.  And rightly so!  Tell him you understand that from his point of view.  Tell him you know he’s just as tired and you greatly appreciate all of his efforts to help out. 

Remember – when you want someone to change their behavior (and his behavior does need to change here) PRAISE the good things they do, first.  Then state your case – calmly and logically, tell him how you feel and how it’s important to you both to have clean clothes and food in the house.  And then PRAISE him AGAIN at the end of the conversation.  Tell him how much you need him, respect him, love him and appreciate him.  But that you are NOT a maid nor his personal servant and you won’t pick up his slack again.  And stick to that.  You teach people how to treat you.

Post # 5
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@pecanpie:  I feel for you! My husband is currently unemployed, and I get very aggravated when I can tell he did nothing but play xbox all day while I’m working a 9 hour shift. Most of the time, he is great-he will make lunch and dinner for me and tidy up. However, I still find myself getting upset when there’s no food and/or he will text me to ask me to pick stuff up on my way home. I want to be like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? YOU DO IT!” I understand he thinks that because I will already be out driving by the store-it makes sense for me to stop. However, I work 7 am to 5 pm five days a week, and when the clock hits 5-I’m spent! I am a little more lienant with his situation of being unemployed, because it was my job that took us across the country and he had to quit his. He is going insane not working and is actively trying to find employment, but it’s been hard-so I feel for him.

However, I totally understand your frustration. I applaud you for being able to calmly express your concerns to him in a nonconfrontational way. Don’t get too down on yourself. You wanted to get a point across and I feel like you did it in the best way possible. It will blow over, and hopefully he will learn from this experience that if he says he’s going to do something-he should do it. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
7652 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I asked Darling Husband to take out the garbage for 3 days (yes, I let it sit there for 3 days because he hadn’t been listening to me and I wanted to test him a little). He’s a teacher and is on break. I, however, still have to go to my 8-5 job and come home to do clothes. Finally on the 26th, I reminded him in the morning before I left (and before he left to go ice fishing), and when I came home for lunch he hadn’t done it. I took out two armfuls of garbage and cried the whole time like a big, fat baby lol. 

When he came home, he immediately saw my face and was like, “Oh shit. I know what I forgot to do this morning. I forgot the garbage.” I calmly explained why I was disappointed in him, and he didn’t so much care about that except when I started crying. Then he knew I was really upset. It wasn’t so much the garbage either. It’s when he has the whole day off and he has 1 measly thing to remember and he couldn’t even do it after even being reminded. Did he forget any fishing stuff? Of course not. Plus for Christmas he didn’t have a hard time remembering anything his Grandma asked him to do.

I ask Darling Husband if he can do some things for me, and if he says yes I make him a list so he doesn’t forget. It isn’t fool proof, and it doesn’t take care of the problem all the time, but it is a start.

Post # 7
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I think the reason you FEEL like a b*itch is because society sets us up to think we “shouldn’t” “nag.” Where “nagging” = “making any request of any sort.” Women are “supposed” to handle all that household and shopping and cleaning stuff — based on the past when women were housewives and didn’t have to work full time on top of everything else. Reality has changed but expectations haven’t, and we’re stuck with the result.

If he says he’s going to do X, HE SHOULD DO X. Especially during hours when he has nothing else to do and YOU are working. I don’t know how to get a guy to do household stuff, but you have my sympathy.

Post # 8
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Going back and forth between nights and days is very taxing on a persons energy level and many times emotional state. Plus he was very tired when you brought it up. I get why you’re upset though, bring it up again when he has a full nights sleep under his belt. 

Post # 9
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My husband works nights every other month and it is awful. He has no energy at all to do anything. I understand your frustration with him because he said he would do these things and didn’t but maybe instead of saying that you were dissapointed in him you could say “babe, i’m not upset with you but you know I need food because I don’t have any. Please let me know if you don’t plan on doing the things that you say you are going to so that I can make plans to get them done.”. My husband would hate if I told him that I was dissapointed in him, that’s what mothers say.

Post # 10
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

Darling Husband is working overnights right now [next week is the last week though yaaay!] & I too would be supet frustrated when he slept ALL day & didn’t do a damn thing, like just lay out dinner!  I began to realize though that he sleeps most of the day because he doesn’t really ever get ‘good sleep’ & that those overnight shifts are SO hard on your body & mind, so just keep that in mind.  It’s hard, but I definitely see why you would be mad.  I  was/am there :/

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