Why do I have to be the one to bring it up all the time!?

posted 7 months ago in Waiting
Post # 47
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

People can only be pressured to do something they don’t want to do.

Post # 48
258 posts
Helper bee

It astounds me that so many men pushing 30 are using the “I’m too young” argument. You’ve been a legal adult for damn near 12 years (in the US at least), you should be rocking and rolling by the time you hit three decades.

But that’s just me. I don’t think you should push into an engagement or marriage with obvious issues, but I think if the issues are so glaring then maybe it’s not the right relationship.

Post # 49
316 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know why everyone is so quick to say he’s never going to marry you. Bad experiences that they’ve had I suppose. But to me it just sounds like he wants more time. You’ve had issues just a year ago. That isn’t that long and I guess he wants to see if the counseling helps and if things continue to go smoothly. Yes marriages have ups and downs too but that doesn’t mean that every couple should get married even if they have problems just because marriages can have problems too. 

I just feel like if it was the opposite and the OP wanted more time because they are in counseling and had issues just a year ago and her boyfriend was the one who was ready, most people would side with her and tell her that it’s fine she wants more time. 

I just don’t think it’s a hopeless cause just yet. Continue to go to counseling. Try to have more conversations about a potential timeline. 

Post # 50
325 posts
Helper bee

Just remember it has only been 3 years. I understand if the guy isn’t ready in 3 years. 

Post # 51
101 posts
Blushing bee

You can read and take in everyone’s opinion but ultimately you have the final say so. You know your SO better then anyone on this board. Give it a little more time and if he still isn t ready then walk away. I think some people are way to opinionated about others relationship at times. You have to do what’s right for You! Good luck and i hope you both get on the same page soon.

Post # 52
873 posts
Busy bee

collegebee :  I don’t find it surprising, I certainly wouldn’t judge a woman who would rather focus on a career than marriage and children in her thirties, and I wouldn’t judge a man for that either. 

Post # 55
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

iomi :  yeah, 3 years in at 29, he thinks you want different things, unsure about “forever” , has doubts about it working out with you, does not bode well… I would at the very least move out and stop acting like  defacto wifey….can still see each other but living separate may bring a less enmeshed perspective; some clarity. (For you both)

Personally I would not want someone I have to continue to audition for/convince/prod/ask, into wanting me for his wife. He’s now telling you directly that after 3 years together he basically only sees you as temporary girlfriend material. I think if you waste much more time on him, you will be mad at yourself later. …

Post # 56
80 posts
Worker bee

Agreeing with the PP.  But, with that said, I am so sorry you are hurting.  I will tell you one thing I know: resentments kill relationships, even if you recognize them and try to address them or rationalize them in your own mind.  Only you know what you want here and it just may not align with what he wants.  And, honestly, that’s OK, but I know it’s painful.

I married young (at 25) thinking it was ‘time’.  I wish I had really truly thought about how compatible we were.  I wish I hadn’t gotten swept up into the idea of marriage, kids, and what not.  If I had to do it over, I would have really tried to obtain a different perspective and taken off my rose colored glasses and the “it will get better” crap that was floating around in my mind.  It wasn’t even about commitment at that point, but it was about compatibility and emotional support.  My husband (now my ex) was such an emotional basketcase and I took it upon myself to convince him that I could fix us, fix him, and make him see that the world is a good place, etc.  

It’s not my job to fix someone else or to change their mind.  And, if I succeed in changing their mind, how is that a good thing?  The influence I had on them tells me that it was all about pleasing me or bending to my way.  In the end, I would always be questioning whether it was my influence and nagging or begging or pleading or, whether it was their own willingness to change?  Usually it was the former and then it was used as ammunition against me when we started having harder relationship problems.  

My point is: you can’t change his perspective, no matter how hard you try and if you do succeed, you will second guess it because, in the back of your mind, you’ll wonder if he chose to marry you because you hounded him into it or because he truly wanted to marry you.

Post # 58
5499 posts
Bee Keeper

iomi :  Your SO isn’t “quite” where you are yet? In your update three days ago you said he isn’t sure the relationship will last and worries you guys want different things. Meanwhile you are eager to get engaged. Sorry, but unless something drastically changed in the last three days, it sounds like y’all are in very different places…”my SO isn’t quite where I am yet” is quite the euphemism. I am not saying this to be a dick, just to warn you not to minimize the concerns he has voiced because you so badly want him to be on board with marriage.

Post # 59
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

iomi :  You sound a LOT like me but just a couple years younger (I just turned 32). I’m also waiting. I see the 2 sides of the coin–we’re so excited we want to talk about it/plan, and then it makes him feel pressured. Girl I’m with you! I will say, it does sounds like you have a healthy ‘ship and it’s awesome you guys are in counseling together working through your issues/concerns.

Here’s something you said maybe worth looking at:

But I don’t believe he’s not ready. I think he’s just being an obnoxious perfectionist trying to make the relationship perfect before finally just DOING it. It’s certainly not at that point yet

Okay so- no such thing as making the relationship perfect. If that’s his goal, he’ll never be ready! People aren’t perfect and neither are relationships. But is it working? Are you happy? Can you two see a future together? These are the things you should be asking. Chasing some elusive perfection is unrealistic!

I would try and get specific w him and ask him what is EXACTLY holding him back. Sometimes it can be something like the cost of a ring, which you can moderate your expectations if cost is an issue (as I have had to).

Let us know how it goes, and good luck!

Post # 60
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

glitterandshine :  Agree with this. I’m at 5 and it’s a big difference between 3 and 5. Heck, I wasn’t ready 3 years in!

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