(Closed) Why do I have to be the one to bring it up all the time!?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
2761 posts
Sugar bee

Here’s the thing. According to science, men fall in love harder and faster than women do. When a guy is super in love he won’t be able to wait to marry you and committing to you won’t be scary. 

In some cases, he won’t be able to marry you right away, though – maybe he’s waiting till he graduates from his master’s program, saves up enough money for a ring, or you’re both young and want to wait a few years to make sure the feelings are still there, etc. That is Guy A. – totally in love, ready to commit, but is waiting for an obstacle to pass. You can be with Guy A for 1 year or 5 years and I won’t be worried about you, because Guy A has never made you doubt that he’s committed. He’s told you as much from the get go. He’s just waiting on some circumstances to change or some goals to be accomplished. He’s clear with you about what the hold up is and he actively plans the future with you; his reasons for waiting are measurable and fixed. 

Now take Guy B. He’s a good boyfriend, he loves you, and you have a great time together. You can envision a future together. But he’s never made promises about the future. He even expresses some doubts to you. He’s willing – to a certain extent – to talk about these things, but he can’t make promises. He’s just not sure. Maybe it’s about marriage in general. Maybe it’s about a particular set of problems you’ve had in the relationship. In any case, your feelings have only deepened in the years you’ve been together, so you assume he is operating the same way. He wouldn’t stay with you for years if he didn’t want to be with you, would he? In fact, he cares about you, but he’s also staying in the relationship because he’s comfortable and scared of change. He’s afraid he won’t find anyone as good as you if you break up. He’s got a pretty good thing going. Maybe he can’t even admit to himself that he doesn’t see himself with you long term, because that would make him feel guilty about using you when he knows you want more.

Guy B is a Stringer, and you want to avoid him like the plague. He may be a perfectly nice guy, and he may have great qualities; you may be in a loving relationship. But the truth is, you want commitment, and he can’t make one – at least not to you. Often you’ll hear stories of Stringers finally dumping or being dumped by their stingees, only to marry someone else within a year or two. Why? Because if you’re going to hook a guy, it’s most likely going to be early on. Most of the time, when a man meets someone he wants to marry, he’ll fall early and hard, and he won’t dilly dally on making it official. (For extenuating circumstances, see Guy A.) And yes, there are sometimes stories about these noncommital guys marrying their longterm partners – but do you really want to be married to a guy who has that much difficutly committing to you? Don’t you want someone who is head over heels for you and can’t wait to marry you? Waiting for a partner is fine, but wait for the guy who deserves it – Guy A – rather than the Stringer. 

TLDR: Guys are relatively simple – either they want to marry you, in which case they’ll let you know and make it happen at their earliest convenience – or they don’t. 

Post # 62
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018

View original reply
iomi :  I’m sorry you’re going through this. To echo some of the other bees, once you start talking about potential personality flaws to rationalize this situation, there’s a problem.

I was a waiting bee and was told something along the lines of, “Engagement shouldn’t be this hard.” She was right. I tried to rationalize my ex’s “concerns” which translates into what I wasn’t doing and “pressuring” him. Fast forward several years and my husband had NO problem talking about it, and made it happen. 

Everyone’s situation is different, and some men need the nudge, but he’s not ready. Which is fine….but You don’t have to sit around waiting for “someday” to even discuss things. Take a long, hard look at your situation and decide what’s best without excuses. 

Best of luck to you.

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