Post # 46
“I’ve seen what they do”. My best friend and roommate of 5 years was a stripper. I went to Vegas and SF with her often. I hung out at work with her in Hollywood. The VAST majority of strippers aren’t “dirty dancers”. “Dirty dancers” grind on guys boners, try to make men cum in their pants, break club rules, give hand jobs, meet customers outside of work etc. Yea most of them DONT do that and they don’t like girls who do. Most of them are disgusted at the thought of it just like you. The majority of them have zero interest in anything other than taking men for their money, for the least amount of “work” they can get away with. It’s an act, they are selling a fantasy, it’s a customer service job. That’s it. They don’t want your man or his friends. They laugh and eye roll in the locker room at bachelor parties while pointing out the big spenders in the party to their co-workers. It’s business.
He should respect your opinion. If you made it clear you were dead set against it and he went anyway..that’s an issue. But don’t over generalize and assume the worst. A lap dance is usually very low contact and hardly anything to worry about. Strippers aren’t all a bunch of dirty cheap hookers.
Post # 47
Strip clubs = visual stimulation, and that’s what dudes are all about.
I’d be pissed if Darling Husband was going there to get emotionally involved with a stripper, but we all know they go for the TITTIES.
Note: I am not the jealous type and not conservative in the least -so strip clubs, porn, anything like that doesn’t bother me at all.
Post # 48
This old crap again. Why does it always turn into a thread of personal tolerances for/against strip clubs with the odd “I know a stripper so listen to me cause I know best” post thrown in, along with a few “I don’t mind them cause I’m not jealous/I’m the cool girl” bullshit? And the sexist insinuation that all men like this?
The OP isn’t comfortable with strip clubs – that’s the issue. We should be talking about her fiancé’s lack of giving a shit about her feelings, not putting a band aid over the issue.
Post # 49
For the record, I’ve never been to a male strip club/dance show. Yet from what I can tell, when women go to these types of shows it’s to have a good laugh, do something cheesy with their female friends.
Consider two well known names: ‘Thunder Down Under’ (Australian male strippers) and ‘Magic Mike XXL’ (A well known R rated movie) —I am already laughing based on the titles alone 😛
I grew up in Wisconsin and it’s a tradition for a lot of the partners of guys who go Deer hunting at the end of November to go to one of these shows while their guys are perched in a tree with a gun for a week 🙂
Anyway…general commentary. To the OP I understand your anxiety and you are entitled to your beliefs and feelings. At the end of the day strip clubs and stippers are all ‘reality TV’ anyway—that is to say just a temporary show that is ultimately a pay day for the dancer and a brawdy excape for the audience. It’s not real and I am pretty sure once the money has run out the dancers could give a flying f%$k about the men/women they entertain. I have a feeling too that there’s a lot of ‘boys will be boys’ type peer pressure at Bachelor parties too.
My fiance has been to a few bachelor parties in the last year, he says strip clubs were not involved but even if….as long as nothing physical happened I’d likely not care. We all have internet connections so technically salicious nudity, porn, whatever is at everyone’s disposal 24/7. In my case, I live in Germany and well…topless photos in everyday printed newspapers are common enough that it loses its novelty.
Post # 50
lolz at the girls feeling sorry for me. I feel sorry for you! I know what that horrible pang of insecurity feels like and I’ve found a way to free myself of it. You do you but I’m happy over here
Post # 51
maebae : You’ve found your way “free of it” by telling your partner to lie to you! That is messed up. You claim that you found a “compromise” – but a compromise is when both people give a little. In the situation you described, you are the only one giving – therefore it is not a compromise. You guy gets to do exactly what he wants (go to the strip club) and even better he doesn’t have to tell you a word about what happened! While you are the one giving in completely by permitting him to do something that bothers you so much the only way you can cope is by going into a type of denial about it. So dysfunctional.
To me this whole debate is not even about the morality of strip clubs. Some girls are genuinely cool with strip clubs, and more power to them. What’s fucked up is when a woman tells her partner that she considers strip clubs a form of betrayal, that she’ll actually be sick with angst if he goes, and he still chooses to go because he values appearing “cool” in front of his friends over his own future wife’s feelings. It’s abhorrent. Why do women stand for this??
And to respond to a PP’s remark about male strip clubs – I’ve never been to one but my impression is it’s a very different atmosphere than a female strip club, where it’s more about having a laugh than anything else. That being said, if I felt like going to a male strip club for my bachelorette for a laugh or for whatever, and my partner told me he felt uncomfortable with it, I wouldn’t even think twice – I would cancel the plans to go to the strip club. How is this even a two second debate? I could never enjoy myself while partaking in an action that I knew was causing my partner pain.
Post # 52
tiffanybruiser : it’s not dysfunctional if it works for us. I could easily demand that he not do something and he wouldn’t but that’s not the kind of girl I want to be and that’s not the kind of relationship I want to be in. I am of the opinion that there is nothing morally wrong with strip clubs or my man going to one but it’s also difficult for me to reconcile that belief with my naturally jealous/insecure feelings when I envision him being there. so this is the solution I came up with and I am perfectly happy with it. he knows how I feel about the whole thing and he probably wouldn’t go because he honestly isn’t that kind of guy anyway, but the whole point of my “compromise” is that we’re both adults who are free to make our own decisions and as long as our relationship doesn’t suffer then there’s really no harm in it. I don’t feel right putting my foot down and telling him he absolutely cannot go because he’s a grown ass man who can do what he wants, the same way I wouldn’t want him making demands of me. it’s innocent in my eyes but bothers me enough that I’d just rather not have the thought in my mind so I’ve concluded that what I don’t know won’t hurt me in this case. I can understand why that seems “sad” to some bees here but seriously, I’m fine lol. I thought maybe sharing my arrangement would help some other girls who fall on both sides of this debate, but obviously it’ll sound outrageous to anyone who’s totally against strip clubs. I’ll say again, different things for different people! this works for me but won’t work for everyone
Post # 53
maebae : I’m glad it’s working for you, and to be clear I never said I pitied you (i think that was another bee) – just that the situation you described made me furious lol. I just fundamentally disagree (obviously) with the whole approach. I actually think partners should occasionally, within reason, be allowed to make “demands” of each other. When we said “I do” at our wedding, we were complying with an implied demand, in a sense, to respect each other and to prioritize each other every day for the rest of our lives.
Yes, we are all adults and have the freedom to make our own decisions…but part of being in a relationship means making a conscious choice every day to make decisions that prioritize your partner and make them feel secure and respected. I honestly feel like you (I mean the general you here, not you specifically) shouldn’t even have to tell your partner “DON’T GO TO THE STRIP CLUB” – telling him that the thought of him going to one makes you feel angsty and depressed should be enough to compel him not to go.
Because it’s a fucking strip club. It’s a few hours of debauchery with the bros. You’re not asking him to give up something major in his life for you, to make some enormous sacrifice. Why would any man prioritize one night on the town with his buddies over his partner’s feelings? What does it say about the character of a person who would do that?
Post # 54
For the same reason some women like the Thunder from Down Under or Chipendales dancers. Some do, some don’t. My fiancé has only been to a trip club a couple of times. I went with him once and hated the way he looked at them, so I said I’d never go with him again. I wouldn’t be happy if he just decided to go on a Thursday night by himself but I’ve encourage him to go for his bachelor party if that’s what he wants because I don’t want him to miss out on that experience or feel like I’m holding him back. I know he would never cheat on me and I am not at all jealous of his relationship with other women so it really does not bother me at all. But if it DID bother me and I had expressed that go him and he still decided to go ahead and do it, that would be a problem.
Post # 55
anthonyswife : I agree with PPs that not all men are into that and going with him is just as bad. You’re basically telling him it’s ok as long as you’re there. But clearly you’re not ok with it period. This would be a deal breaker for me and it seems like it is for you too. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do but you need to set standards for your marriage or it will continue to happen. Some women are ok with their guys going (I don’t get that at all but it does exist) and some aren’t. There are other ways to be a cool, understanding wife without condoning a naked chick shaking her stuff in your husband’s face.
Post # 56
Poor little men, not getting to pay to sexualise or objectify women. My heart bleeds. Must be a tough old life. Maybe we will bring back slavery for them while we are at it.
Post # 57
Over and over again on these boards we see the bee who stuffed her feelings only to find out later what happened st the bachelor party and be devastated. This is no way to start a marriage.
Some people are ok with porn, some aren’t. Some have open relationships, some don’t. The point is to be with someone with whom you’re on the same page. Someone who respects you enough to care about your boundaries, not because they are rules, but because it’s easy enough to say no to a strip club if it’s going to devastate your partner.
It doesn’t matter if other girls are ok with this, op. You aren’t. You wanted to drug yourself asleep to get through it.
He was okay with that.
Post # 58
tiffanybruiser : I think we should all be careful not to minimize the massive pressure men are put under, especially in groups, to conform and appear “manly”. I know for certain a strip club would never be my man’s idea and if others were voting against, he would too. but I also know he has some rowdier “frat type” friends who I wouldn’t be surprised about wrangling everyone into a strip club trip for a bachelor party, solely because “it’s what guys are supposed to do”. my guy is an absolute gentelman but I know he is not an “alpha male”. it would be very uncomfortable for him to go against the grain in a group of guys and I don’t feel like he needs to prove anything to me. I really sympathize for the shitty situations boys seems to put their friends in and would understand if even though he really didn’t want to go, he ended up there. I haven’t given him a blank check to go do whatever whenever, he knows that any touching is a no-no and there is to be no money of ours spent on other women. but let him look and let me be in the dark and it’ll all be fine.
you’re concerns are valid though and I appreciate that we can talk about this like adults 🙂
Post # 59
Maturity level of a College Frat boy as far as I’m concerned.
Post # 60
maebae : If your “man” can’t set boundaries and tell his friends no then he sounds like an overgrown child not a grown man emotionally equipped to be a life partner. Refusing to acknowledge unpleasant aspects of reality is unhealthy and suggests you also lack the ability to set healthy boundaries in your relationship as well. You can attempt to justify your 1940s mindset endlessly, but I’m certainly not going to validate it as a solution on OP’s problems.