Why do men make women wait for a proposal for so long?

posted 1 year ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
1675 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

manderr :  Not sure why your title implies all men.  There are many that don’t wait for themselves to be established.  Just because your guy is doing it, doesn’t mean it’s the norm. 

A year and a half isn’t very long to be officially waiting to get engaged – especially in your 20’s.  

That said, he shouldn’t be sending mixed messages of taking you ring shopping, planning a wedding (unless it’s in the hypothetical “one day” way) then saying he’s not ready.

Sit him down and talk to him.  Discuss timelines (in TIME, not in $$ or othern non-time measures).  For example – “honey, we’ve been talking about marriage and engagement a lot.  I know you aren’t fully ready yet and I respect that, however I feel I am ready so I would like to discuss timelines.  I would like to be engaged within the next twelve months, how do you feel about that?”

For what it’s worth, my Darling Husband proposed while we were financially very unstable, and there were definitely downsides.  We had to wait years before we could afford to start planning a wedding, and looking back I would have been more comfortable i the gf/bf stage until we could financially look at taking the next step.

Love is great and important, but it’s only one  part of what makes a relationship and marriage work so I think he’s being mature.  It only becomes a problem when guys use long term goals as an excuse to delay a proposal (ie.  I need $10,000 in the bank but they are wasting money on useless expensives stuff and have $10 in their savings, rather than I need $10,000 in the bank but they have $6,000 and are saving diligently).  If you see a future together, these goals should also be joint goals, not just what he wants. 

Post # 18
Member
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 If you can’t have a mature discussion with him about timelines and reach a compromise then neither of you are ready for marriage. There are two people in this relationship, not just you.

Post # 19
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

What lots of people are telling you is that what “seems the case” to you is not in fact the case. 

 

Lots of men want marriage faster than lots of women. Lots of women want marriage faster than lots of men. Lots of women want marriage faster than lots of women. Lots of men want marriage faster than lots of men. There is no standing rule about this. 

 

And the reason why people want to wait (of either gender) is typically that they do not feel settled in their certainty that this is the relationship for them. 

 

You and your partner have not been dating for very long, and you are at an age in life when many things change for a lot of people, quite extensively. Chances are, your partner is not yet certain that this is the relationship that will be good for him twenty years from now. After only a year and half, that isn’t unusual, no matter how long you knew each other in non-romantic terms before then. In my own experience, for example, my husand and I had known each other for a decade before we started dating, and I still wasn’t sure I wanted to marry him until we had dated for almost 6 years. 

 

Nobody but your partner can tell you why he isn’t yet ready. But the two of you should be able to have healthy communication about it. 

manderr :  

Post # 20
Member
3466 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

It’s not every guy. I didn’t wait at all. Early on we had many discussions about where we wanted the relationship to be in X number of years and we’ve followed that. The kind of waiting you’re describing (where one waits with no end date in sight) is something some people stick around and tolerate. It is not necessarily the norm. 

Maybe instead of asking when you’ll get married, ask when he plans to accomplish his financial goals and what steps he’s taking to complete them. If he doesn’t have an answer to that, he won’t have an answer for you about when you’ll get married. He’s probably just not ready. Up to you to wait or go. 

Post # 21
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

I doubt they really care about those things, anyway. They’re excuses. The reality is that they don’t want to get married. If they wanted to get married, they’d propose and get on with it. 

Post # 22
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee

happiekrappie :  why would I ever go off the sample population of the waiting boards? 

Post # 23
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

We waited five years, but I was personally in no rush to get married (if anything, he wanted marriage more than I did). Everyone is different. Sometimes, people are just not ready… I mean, I was certainly not ready anytime sooner than that, so we BOTH waited mainly for that reason… Everyone is different. This is something you should ask him.

I also dont see anything bad with men wanting to establish themselves ( career, house, etc..,) There is nothing wrong with that, IMO. There is also nothing wrong with the couples who move “quicker”. I guess you guys have to be on the same page and that requires a big talk. You should be comfortable discussing stuff like this with him.

Post # 24
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Not gonna lie – you seem super bitter about all this.  If this is the attitude you’re adopting about it, then that might be why he’s waiting longer and longer.

Post # 25
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

If you’ve only been together 1.5 years total, I’m sorry to say, but you’re hardly waiting. His last engagement ended dramatically, you can’t be surprised that he’d want to take things slow, right? You’re just getting out of the honeymoon phase, give it time.

Post # 26
Member
2472 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

littlebuzz :  seriously.  Talk about skewed results. I know exactly 0 people in real life that are “waiting.” 

Post # 27
Member
2472 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Bee just because you think marriage should be based on being someone’s true love doesn’t make it so. Your boyfriend may not even think of marriage the way you do OR truly believe you are his “true love.” He thought his ex was too but that ended. You guys haven’t been together that long for you to make it seem like it’s taking so long.  Just because you looked at rings and talked hypothetically about it doesn’t mean he was going to run out and buy a ring to marry you. I’m also wondering how some of the bees also in your situation skew things when they’re presented on here. What I mean by this is my husband and I looked at rings WAY before ever really thinking about actually getting married just to see prices and for him to see what I liked. At the time I, a WOMAN, told him I was nowhere near ready to get married but we both had come to the point that we did want to get married after xyz. It’s not unusual or anything to want certain things in order before getting married. It’s  a rational and responsible adult thing to do. Or he just doesn’t want to marry you. Talk is cheap so don’t blame ALL MEN. It’s just YOUR man in this situation. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Post # 28
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee

manderr :  I understand your frustration, I’m not into waiting either. Anything I’ve had to wait around for I end up not wanting to do. I know a ton of married couples ( married for decades, so they’ve withstood the test of time) and so many of them said they knew right away that they wanted to marry their spouse. And most were engaged within a year of dating.   You’ve known each other a long time, so it probably feels like forever to you.

The thing is, he’s dragging his feet. He shouldn’t be talking you ring shopping if he’s not prepared for you to put it on.All i can say is talk to him. Tell him you’re prepared to wait only so long before you leave. You’ll have plenty of people on the forum tell you that you’re being impatient, that 1.5 years is nothing, they waited 10 years. Well, good for them, but you do you. If it feels like you’ve been waiting a long time, you have, other people’s timelines not withstanding. 

Post # 29
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing for a man or a woman to want to be financially stable before entering marriage. It’s a responsible thing to do.

Back in the day, financial stability was easier to achieve and adult men could achieve it at the young age of 18 or so with a factory job. They could buy a house and support a family on one income. Now, with student loan debt coming into the picture from both men and women and a more complex job market,  amongst other factors, more and more people are not reaching that state until their 30s, if that. 

Each person’s situation is different.  I’m glad I got my financial shit together before marriage bc I wanted to be an equal in every way going into it. Maybe that’s not for everyone, but it was important to me.

Post # 30
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My husband proposed after 8 months. We got married after a little over a year of dating. If you’re ready for engagement and marriage, and your SO is putting you off even though your relationship is good and you’ve been together for a good bit of time, then you’re with the wrong man. 

People do what you allow them to do. If you allow a man to put you off repeatedly, to not follow through on his promises, and to lie, stall, or manipulate his way out of things, then he will. If you allow yourself to stay in a relationship with someone who wants different things from life or who wants the same things you want but in a significantly different time frame, you will be unhappy. 

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