Post # 31
manderr : “They get to sniff daisies while their girl is waiting around wondering when he’ll make all the talk into action.”
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s the girlfriend’s choice to continue waiting. This is something that couples should discuss. If you haven’t discussed it (which baffles me) you may be on a different schedule than the guy. If you have discussed it and think you’re on the same page and he ignores timelines…that’s a different conversation.
I also think your title is an overgeneralization. There are so many variables pertaining to age, cultural/religious/regional background, etc. that it’s impossible to lump “men” into one big group. I personally know/am FB friends with at least 10 couples that got married in college/shortly thereafter/in their 20’s within 3 years of being together. You have a skewed sample (as do I).
Post # 32
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
Two points here:
1 – You are shooting yourself in the foot by generalizing this one negative experience with one man to all men, everywhere. That’s a good way to end up bitter, which is a bad look for ANYONE at any place on the gender spectrum.
2 – Maybe you an your partner just don’t want the same things. I’m a big fan, personally, (as a cisgender woman) of being in low/no debt, being financially stable, and only taking major life events one at a time. My husband is the same way. If he were not, it would mean we aren’t a good fit. That doesn’t make him bad, or me virtuous, or either of us aggrieved. It’s just the unfortunate reality of knowing what you want and knowing who does or doesn’t fit into that.
Can you actually talk to your partner about your hopes and expectations? There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this type of conflict. One or both of you might end up having to compromise. Alternatively, you might look for people who want different things than your current relationship. Just be honest with yourself and your partner while you figure it out instead of expecting him to stick to a particular cultural script.
Post # 33
OP, your boyfriend is an asshole for taking you ring shopping six months into your relationship with no intention of proposing. Are you sure you want to marry him?
Post # 34
This is pretty generalized.
The boyfriend and I met with him still in school & owning a home at same time. I was done with college and owned my own home too. That alone shows two different people with different paths and plans. We are not engaged yet but if he or I went by the standards of, owning a home, finishing school, and paying off debts etc etc etc… I would have been resentful right when he graduated… only 5 months after starting dating.
So not all men (or women) want to wait till x,y,z is done. Some do want to wait. I don’t know what my guy is waiting for as you can tell… and I get antsy but its going to happen. Been together ~ 2 years and 4 months.
Post # 35
manderr : Bee, you’re ignoring the obvious…..as another pp asked why do those women allow it? Your experiences and those of your acquaintances all have the same thing in common….waiting without taking an active step in your future, leaving this all on the shoulders of one person when there’s 2 in the relationship. This leads me to a more direct question:
Why do women live in such fear that they won’t have the conversation that will give them the direct answers they want????
The point is bee, no matter how long he makes you wait, YOU choose to put up with it, without getting to the bottom of things, without knowing where you truly stand. Without having a mature discussion between adults and coming into a compromise. Do you see where I’m going with this bee? Your original question is irrelevant when your shirk your responsibility to yourself and your future.
FTR, the whole looking for e-rings 6 months in is total game playing bee. You were/are being tested. If you pass enough tests you get the prize…..a ring! See that for what it is.
Post # 36
You’ve asked him what he’s doing and why he’s doing it, and he hasn’t given you a satisfactory answer. Asking more questions won’t help — it’s time to act.
Wedding plans should be off the table; don’t entertain talk of the elopement or marriage at this point, because the first step — being ready to marry — hasn’t been taken by him. After that, stop playing house. He can’t play house if you’re not participating. If you live with him, move out. If you’re over at his house a lot or he’s always at yours, go back to dates. Go to the movies, go out to eat, have fun outside, but cut the time spent in each other’s homes way back. The home is no longer the destination; it’s a pick-up point, drop-off point or pit stop, and that’s it.
Tell him you’re going to step back, then do it. He doesn’t need to agree.
This shouldn’t take months and months to do. This should be done rather quickly. Focus on what you want and how satisfied you are with this relationship. If you’re unsatisfied, and it sounds like you are, end it and move on. There are better matches out there for you.
You don’t need to figure him out. You can just leave.
Post # 37
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
In general, men like to be more established before an engagement/marriage. Women are more open to “growing” more as a couple and becoming more established together. I think both parties have good points. It’s smart to have good jobs, savings and a general idea where you’re going in life before getting married. However, you don’t need the perfect job, house, etc. before committing to someone.
Some men give reasonable objections for getting engaged and work hard to fultill those before popping the question. These same men will communicate along the way to let you know their timeline and ask about yours.
But as PP stated, some men use these reasons as ways to stall. The men who state they need to save before getting married, buy a house, etc. but have no intentions towards moving towards those things and saving money are the ones who are just using being stable as an excuse to propose.
Post # 38
Manderr, You need to have a real talk with your boyfriend. Not a talk in passing as he asks you to pass the milk and he easily changes the subject. My SO and I are in medical and nursing school and originally talked about getting engaged the last year of school and married right after graduation. But as our relationship progressed we realized that we didnt want to wait that long and why not be broke college students together rather than 2 broke college students paying separate rent and bills. We are both also the type that dont need expensive proposals or weddings and plan on a very small church wedding so there is no pressure to save and save and save until we have a massive pile of money to spend on a 1 day party. So we’re getting engaged over our school break (SO wanted to wait for our trip in December, his mom ruined the surprise but I told him I could wait).
So OP, you first need to ask yourself if you are okay with a small budget wedding(a trip to Australia can cost a lot too)maybe a small diamond ring until more can be afforded years later. Then you need to set aside an evening after work and school when you have no distractions and reassure your man that he doesnt need a bunch of money to marry you and that you want to work right beside him to build your future together. I tried reading all of your posts on here and it looks like you’ve been dating for 1.5 years? Thats a good time to nail down your engagement and wedding timeline. You dont have to determine the exact date but something like “a year from now I see us engaged and the year after married.”
I also have to say that if you’re living with your SO and playing wife then that may be why he isnt feeling rushed to proposed. Me and my SO decided there is no living together, joint finances, or kids until we’re married. And once you make your standards known in a relationship, your man starts planning according to those standards. You have the power to take control by setting your standards, having an honest discussion, and setting a timeline. You dont have to be a damsel waiting for her knight unless you choose to do so.
Post # 39
manderr : I hate that a man is supposed to propose, and a woman is supposed to.wait. A man should not expect you to unreasonably wait for confirmation that you are good enough for him . Does he worry that he us enough for you???
Jmho this should be an easy normal conversation between two people who want to be together. Ring, fancy proposal etc has nothing to do with it in my mind, but it can be the cherry.
Post # 40
- Wedding: December 2018 - City, State
I think if you go off these boards it seems to be like most women wait a very long torturous time.
I do not experience this to be true for any of my family or friends that they have ever disclosed to me, further more I’ve been engaged twice (would have been 3 but I found out n broke up before he paid for the ring as we were clearly on very different wavelengths) and none of these were drawn out.
I had a very fast proposal but I haven’t mentioned this on the boards before because I do not want to be disrespectful and fuel any disappointment for a bee who is waiting.
In general on these boards I seem to feel most Bees have a boyfriend who IS stalling, and the smaller portion is very impatient bees- expecting it fast or there are is logical reasons like college finals or finances or family affairs (one bee held off engagement due to a series of deaths in the family and she felt too depressed to mix the events).
Maybe some men love their girlfriend but she’s showing some red flags and he’s waiting to see how serious those pan out/ what he is prepared to live with before committing so publicly.
Lastly… engagement and marriage is not the only way to prove you love and commit to someone and many people have opposing feelings on marriage.
There’s so many layers this truly is a generalisation imo.
Post # 41
Oh that’s definitely not specific to men. I dated a guy before my Fiance and he was talking about me meeting his family after like two dates and future marriage stuff. The dude was like 32 and already had two ex-wives! When I met his friends they were all saying “is this #3?” After like 2 weeks. I didn’t date him long as I wasn’t into all that. Or him. And sure enough he married the girl he dated right after me. It was probably less than a year later. So that’s one dude who definitely moves quickly. I also feel like most men aren’t torturing their girlfriends by making them wait. I think generally each half of a couple gets ready around the same time. And like some posters said you definitely can’t go by the waiting board on here as that’s just a tiny sliver of the population. None of my friends were ever sweating a proposal.
Post # 42
Woah there is some serious shaming going on here. Not a fan.