(Closed) Why do men not know what intimacy is?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You’re making a generalization that “men do not know what intimacy is.”  My fiance is actually very intimate and physically affectionate with me. I get backrubs, foot rubs, random kisses or hugs for no reason, he is always touching my hair or holding my hand. There’s definitely men who “get it.”  

If your fiance isn’t giving you what you need in this department you will need to talk to him, explain what you want and why it’s important to you, and maybe even set him a small goal– something easy to reach— like “I’d like us to lay in bed and hold hands while we watch TV at least once this week.”  Or offer to make a trade: I know it might sound like a weird thing, but I really love getting a backrub before bed, and if you’d indulge me, i’d show my appreciation with your favorite dinner.  Make it about him as much as it is about you, not because relationships have to work that way but rather, you are trying to help him build a new habit, and it might not be one that’s in his comfort zone, so you need to give a reward.  No different than planning a nice vacation to celebrate someone’s quitting smoking for a year.

 Don’t come down on him with the “men don’t get it” speech because that gives him an easy way out, plus it’s just not true.

Post # 5
Member
13017 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@fishbone:  +1.  My fiance rubs my back every night as I fall asleep.  He cuddles, he hugs me, and lots of affection. 

OP, you need to discuss this with your fiance.  If it’s causing you to resent him, that’s a huge problem.  Saying “men do not knwo what intimacy is” is a huge unfair generalization.

Post # 6
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Also agree with PP. My Fiance is VERY cuddly and affectionate (and also very masculine). 

If you’re not getting the touching/interaction that you need, talk to him. Will he respond if you initiate? Do you ever offer to rub his back/feet? Intimacy, like every other aspect of a relationship is a give and take and requires good communication.

Post # 7
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

Ok the Xbox comment made me giggle a bit…. I can understand your frustration. Darling Husband is a get to the point kind of guy at times. What I have found, other than telling him, is taking things slow & showing him. Example would be giving him a great back rub, really taking your time and saying ” see this feels good, right? Your turn”….. He will get the hint. It’s not fail proof, since ultimatelyeveryone has their own style. … But it’s worth a try!

Post # 8
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Another who agrees with PPs. My Darling Husband actually made ME more cuddly and affectionate. He’s a huge snuggler when we’re sleeping, and gives unprompted hugs and kisses. He’s not a big massage giver, but if I ask, he has no issues giving me one. Sometimes you need to ask for what you want if it’s something specific. 

Post # 9
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@bellasperanza:  +1  My fiance goes out of his way to hold my hand, cuddle every night, and put his arms aound me any time he can.  We kiss each other before we part ways and before bed every night, plus random times throughout the day.  All while being masculine, as pp say of their SO. 

OP- I had a prior bf that never was much for intimacy and played video games a lot.  sometimes their minds are very far removed from the situation at hand.  I would bring it up to him in the pleasant ways that the PP mentioned.  You’ll want to figure out if he’s in the “not that into intimacy” camp or the “oops didn’t realize I wasn’t doing that” camp.  It is important to know that now, so you don’t form resentments later!!

Post # 10
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Lol at fondling the Play Station. I know what you mean. Fiance doesn’t like to rub my feet or give me a massage – he’ll do it for a minute or two and then just get bored. He does other nice things though, like snuggling. Some people just don’t like to do different things. Try to find something else he’ll agree to.

Post # 11
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with others, my Fiance is very affectionate.  He’s always trying to hug me or snuggle.  He regularly offers back rubs too.

Have you asked your Fiance for what you want or need? 

Post # 12
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hmmm.  My Fiance is very intimate and physically affectionate and loves to rub me and cuddle, as well as being rubbed and cuddled in return.  He’s also very much on the alpha side of the male scale, so it’s not a “man” thing to be one way or the other. 

Not enjoying physical affection and intimacy has nothing to do with gender.  It’s an individual thing.  Every person has their own level of tolerance for intimacy.

It appears as though you and your Fiance have different intimacy needs.  Have you discussed this with him?

Post # 13
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

I am sure the OP was just frustrated at her current situation and doesn’t think all men are incapable of cuddling! 

Post # 14
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

my husband is very intimate and affectionate.  he does like his ps3 but he’s always there for me, day or night.

if your fi isn’t as affectionate as you would like him to be, you need to communicate that to him.  we all have our own expectations of how much intimacy is necessary and that doesn’t always correspond with our mate’s.

Post # 15
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Also you have to give him a chance to explain his standard of romance and intimacy. Example: when my Fi and I were in a Long-distance relationship, he would randomly send me flowers. That happened about 6 times in the 1.5 years we were LDR but after he moved to my city, no more flowers, ever. Personally I think flowers are kind of a wasteful gift— they are expensive and they die quickly— but still, I like getting a little surprise now and then. One evening I was feeling a little blue about it, and I asked him why he didn’t surprise me more often. His response: whenever we go to the grocery, he carries pretty much everything in from the car, and I’m lucky if I can grab the paper towels from him.  It makes me a little uncomfortable because I don’t like feeling like I make him do all the work. But he said he WANTS it that way, because “my woman doesn’t carry groceries! Groceries are heavy and you should just relax and let me do that for you because I like to spoil you like that!”

OK so carrying groceries isn’t my exact idea of a romantic gesture but the intent is lovely, caring and wonderful, so to me that’s actually sweeter than any flowers.  And I never would have figured that out on my own (because I don’t have “man-brain”) nor would I have appreciated it for the thoughtful gesture it is, if I hadn’t asked.

Maybe the OP’s fiance has a different concept of what “intimacy” means and is showing his affection in different ways, and the two aren’t speaking the same language.

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