(Closed) Why do people cheat?

• Sweet_Tea
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: November 1999

I never thought I’d find myself in that position, but yes I have been cheated on, and have cheated on an ex. I had always been of the mind that if it was done once, it would be done again, until I found myself in that situation. Then I realized I had no right to judge anyone else’s circumstances involving that. Each individual person has their reasons for being unfaithful, whether its good or bad reasons. I finally had to re-train myself to stop assuming that everyone that ever cheated would always do it again. And to answer the questions:

Have you cheated? 

I did, on my ex. I was not proud of that fact, but it did happen, despite me having the mantra that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater.’

Why did you cheat?

I was in an abusive marriage, with a husband that I had long lost any positive feelings for. I had left him twice, only to go back because I didn’t have any other means of supporting myself at the time. His behavior towards me was belittling/demeaning, rude, condescending, angry, accusatory, controlling, etc.

Have you done it more than once? 

No.

Did you feel guilty? If so when, was it during the act of cheating or after?

Part of me felt guilty, as I was doing the one thing I swore I’d never do. Having been cheated on myself, it was a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The major part of me did not feel as guilty as I thought I would have.

Did you tell your SO (did you tell them the whole truth or part of it?) or did they find out another way? 

Neither, he may suspect, but we’re divorced now so it doesn’t matter anymore. He and I both have moved on.

Would you do it again? 

I’d like to think I wouldn’t. If it came down to it, I’d rather just break up with a person before doing something like that.

Did your SO forgive you? 

He didn’t know either way.

• trueblue14
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: May 2014

 

Have you cheated? I have in the past (NOT with FH!).

Why did you cheat? Because my emotional and physical needs were no longer being met.

Have you done it more than once? Yes.

Did you feel guilty? If so when, was it during the act of cheating or after? Not really. Each time the relationship I was in was essentially over.

Did you tell your SO (did you tell them the whole truth or part of it?) or did they find out another way? I didn’t tell. In one situation, yes I was caught.

Would you do it again? Under the same sort of circumstances, yes.

Did your SO forgive you? I didn’t ask for forgiveness.

• Butterfly6
• 8 years ago

I believe people cheat because they are dysfunctional.  It has nothing to do with the other person and what he or she does.  If it is not working out with your partner, you have three options. 1. Work on the problem  2. Deal with it  3. Leave.

Therefore, there is never a good reason to cheat.  People do this because they are selfish and disrespectful…they want the convenience of being with their partner while being unfaithful.  I also believe that most times, it is something that is inherently you (if you are a cheater).  I would leave first because I just could not live with the decision. 

• ImaStarr
• 8 years ago

I know a lot are saying if they were in the same situation they would have ended the relationship instead of cheating.  For those who have cheated, why didn’t you just end the relationship? This is just out of curiousity, I’m not passing judgement 🙂

• trueblue14
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: May 2014

@ImaStarr:  Because it isn’t always easy to end a relationship – especially long-standing ones. Often there are other factors that must be dealt with– household, finances, kids, etc.

• jmaze
• 8 years ago

@ImaStarr

Kinda hard when there are children involved. You have to think about them and their well being first. Not yourself. Children come first. I wasn’t just going to get up and leave my kids behind, neither was he. They are far too important…but it’s important for them to grow up seeing their parents happy…not miserable living together.

• jmaze
• 8 years ago

@Butterfly6  don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a lifetime in their shoes…

• Sharebear
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: May 2013

I didn’t cheat yet when I broke up with my ex, he actually stated that he would’ve found it easier to accept the break up if I had cheated!

Essentially when we broke up, I had been done in the relationship for awhile but my ex often chose to ignore how unhappy I was and told him so multiple times.  He wanted to get married and when I told him I didn’t, all he heard was that I didn’t want to get married ever, not just not married to him.

I often thought about that afterwards, whether I could’ve cheated on him, but in the end, though it wouldve given him a reason to want to break up too, I think it would’ve stuck with him more in his “personal baggage”.  Regardless, it still wouldve hurt him in the end.

• Butterfly6
• 8 years ago

@jmaze:  I didn’t judge.  The OP asked my opinion and I simply answered.  You will only feel judged if you feel guilty.  I don’t think people who cheat are bad people.  I feel that the BEHAVIOR of cheating is selfish and dysfunctional in itself. So if I go cheat on my SO right now, I would consider myself in a place of dysfunction right now. Simple. There is nothing good about the behavior and yes, in MY opinion, it does not come from a healthy place. I have never known anyone to cheat and to be in a healthy mental space at the time.  I dont have to walk a lifetime in someone else’s shoes.  I was cheated on.  I lived with a man who I had absolutely no reason to be faithful to and I left.  Was I tempted?  Absolutely.  But I left.  Nothing good could have come from it.

• daybyday
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: November 2006

Have you cheated? Yes, in the past. Not on my husband.

Why did you cheat? I liked the attention and the adrenaline rush of the forbidden and breaking the rules.

Have you done it more than once? Sort of. I definitely engaged in questionable activities, even if not officially cheating, and there were times when I would be with numerous guys just because we weren’t technically exclusive . . . even though I think the guys probably thought we were.

Did you feel guilty? If so when, was it during the act of cheating or after? The first time, yes, terribly. Mostly after. During I didn’t care.

Did you tell your SO (did you tell them the whole truth or part of it?) or did they find out another way? I came clean.

Would you do it again? No, not on my husband.

Did your SO forgive you? Uhhh, FORGIVE? I don’t know. We stayed together, but I don’t think things were ever the same again.

• HisMoon
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: July 2013

Have you cheated? Yes, on ExH. It was an emotional affair (don’t know if that matters, just figured more data couldn’t hurt).

Why did you cheat? Basically I wanted the attention and affection that I wasn’t receiving in my marriage. There was probably also a bit of anger/spite at ExH in my choice, but I didn’t sense it at the time, nor can I really be sure at this point. However, that just makes sense to me.

Have you done it more than once? One other time on my college SO, but since it was also an emotional affair, I didn’t know that’s what I was doing at the time. I just figured my best friend happened to be a guy. By itself that would be ok, but I was putting my best friend above my SO and sharing way more of myself with best friend. 

Did you feel guilty? If so when, was it during the act of cheating or after? Yes and no. I knew it was wrong and knew it would hurt ExH if/when he found out. That being said, I willfully/thoughtfully/purposefully entered into the affair without much hesitation. At first it was only going to be a fling situation (lol, emotionally?) to get what I (and he) needed until a specified time that was a natural stopping point. It didn’t happen that way.

Did you tell your SO (did you tell them the whole truth or part of it?) or did they find out another way? ExH somewhat knew, and when we were in the separation process, I told him what I thought were the important parts. I didn’t see the point of sharing every intimate conversation or secret shared or whatever.

Would you do it again? No. I am now with the man with whom I had the affair. We both have a better understanding of why such things happen, the warning signs, and what we each have to do in order to keep our relationship healthy. If in the future it starts to break apart, I know we’re both willing to do what it takes to try to fix things. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just leave rather than deluding myself any further. Even though the affair wasn’t physical, there was still a lot of cloak and dagger type secrecy going on that, in the end, was just emotionally exhausting and harmful.

Did your SO forgive you? He says that he has, but…

• colormeheather
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: October 2018

Have I cheated:  Not.

One of my best friends, cheated on her husband (now ex husband).  I had just recently split from my first marriage (because my ex husband, I found out “cheated” on me (he went to lunch with a girl a few times without mentioning it and had flirty texts with her)).  I was staying with her and her husband in their extra room, and she would go out with this guy and cheat.  I never said anything…it wasn’t my place.

She never told him.  Even after she and I moved out.

Her marriage was falling apart long before that though.  When I moved in with them (I was only there for about 2 weeks before we both left), she told me that she wanted me to stay there so I could help her make the step into leaving him.  He wasn’t nice to her, he treated her like crap, and I could tell from the time they got engaged, to married, to that second that she was not happy and neither was he. 

One afternoon, when her and I were in her car (probably a month or two after leaving), she broke down and sobbed.  She told me (her words because I will never ever forget how sad she sounded) “I don’t know why I never left earlier….I don’t know why I cheated on him either.  I can’t even tell him now that I’m not with him, but I was just…so alone.”

I think she felt guilty, and still does to this day. 

• KoiKove
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: October 2010

For those of you who have cheated in the past (especially multiple times), how does this efffect your current relationship? Does your current SO worry about “once a cheater, always a cheater”? 

Has your current SO cheated in the past (in another relationship), are you worried it would be easier for he/she could cheat on you?

• SweetCheeks
• 8 years ago

Let’s see, this is going to be so long!

When I was 16, I dated a man that was too old for me. He was abusive on every level and after a year, I cheated with his best friend 1 time, and we broke up. He never found out, though. Nearly a year after him, I dated another guy for almost a year, and ended up cheating right toward the end, with a friend of mine, 2 different times within a couple weeks because I just wasn’t happy with him. He was just a push over and I hated it. I didn’t know how to tell him I was done, so I cheated. I never admitted it, but he found out through mutual friends we had. I dated my 1st ex fiance when I was 19 to almost 22. I got pregnant with our daughter after just a few months, and I was a stay at home mom with his 4 year old son. I cheated after about 2 years with a friend, 1 time, because I was just immature and I didn’t appreciate him. I was single about 6 months after that, but ended up dating a guy friend (2nd ex fiance) for about 6 months. I cheated on him at the 6 month mark, with a guy friend 1 time (right after engagement) because I just could not handle him smothering me. He was really emotionally unstable and I was scared he would hurt himself (never hurt me) if I were to tell him I was done with him. So I cheated and he found out through friends. We remain friends to this day, actually, so there are no bad feelings. A few months after all that, I dated my 3rd ex fiance. I got pregnant with our son only after a months and we were together 3 years. I never cheated on him at all. After that, I was single for 6 months or so. I dated a guy for about 9 months that I had been friends with for many years. I cheated with my son’s dad after just a few months, because I wasn’t fully over him and we hung out and drank and I screwed up. I dated a guy (4th ex fiance) about 3 months later for 1.5 years and cheated multiple times through the middle of the relationship with his friend who was also our neighbor. He was one I wrote about on the WB actually. He was the one I got engaged to and posted about it here, and also posted about our issues a little. After only being single a month, I dated a guy for 5 months and cheated 3 times in a two month span toward the end, with the ex before him. I was hanging with my ex and drinking too much and things got crazy. But I have grown SO much since that last break up (April 2012). I have been with someone since October that I have known since junior high and I have had no desire to cheat, and we are kind of long distance as well. I apologize for the horribly long response, and I hope nobody thinks I am an awful person! I really am honest in every aspect of my life, but the cheating really was like some sort of compulsion. I can say now, that I believe I am cured of it 🙂

• SweetCheeks
• 8 years ago

Oh and to respond to

@KoiKove: , I have had only 1 guy have a problem with my past, and that is my current SO. He trusts me, but definitely DISLIKES the cheating. I am honest about it to everyone I date, because I would want them to be honest with me. I however, am not honest with the people I cheat on at the time, nor would I confess now because I just know it would crush them even after all this time. I am still on good terms with all of those exes and they all have moved on and have their own families and such. I would never want to confess and hurt them for no reason.