(Closed) Why do people get divorced?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@apex: I think it is just a broken marriage with one person or both people either acting inappropriately, or not working towards something special MOST of the time.

My Fiance is divorced because his wife revealed she was a lesbian.

My FI’s parents are divorced because his father started an affair with another woman and refused to end it.

My BFF’s parents are divorced because her father was physically abusive.

My uncle is divorced because his exwife and him were fighting about finances.

My FI’s uncle and aunt got divorced because she wanted kids and he didn’t. They couldn’t work through it and amicably went their own ways.

 

I would say most people don’t just get divorced “because”. There is usually an big issue and either the couples compromise, cannot compromise, go to therapy or decide it is a deal breaker.

I think this is just a good reminder as to why we need to talk to our SO’s about the “big” questions like children, finances, housing, living arrangements, deal breakers, etc in a frank way before getting married.

Post # 4
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

There really isn’t any one reason, as takemyhand illustrated. I come from a family of divorce, and the reasons for my mom and uncles’ multiple divorces are varied. I think with my mom, both times, she married someone because she felt she wouldn’t find anything better so she settled with a person who didn’t make her happy or share her dreams for the future. My biological father was also abusive, and I honestly wish sometimes she had never married him even if it meant I didn’t end up coming to be – it would’ve spared her so much pain.

Other times, I think the couple just aren’t prepared for what marriage really is and how much work it takes. You see all these movies about weddings, and everything is perfect and wonderful.. but you never see what happens after the wedding is long gone and the hard stuff comes into play.

If both partners are willing to work together and learn to compromise, I think love can be sustained and last a lifetime. But honestly, even those who are madly in love at the time of their weddings can realize down the road that it’s not working. Sad, but true.

Post # 6
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@takemyhand: Very well said!! I especially agree with that last statement.

Post # 7
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I think people divorce because our culture isn’t supportive of long-term committments to anything. Our culture is very “get what you want NOW”.  Very quick reward type deal.  

So people think “oh I’m not happy – divorce time”.  And they do it.  Or they cheat, and then divorce. Marriage takes work, and its not always happy.  You have to be able to fight for it, and every single day won’t be great. 

That being said… my parents divorced because my dad had substance abuse issues, and he never paid for ANYTHING in their marriage. Then, my mom and ex-step dad divorced because he hated us kids, and because he started cheating. 

Post # 8
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Apathy, someone gets bored, different goals, putting all the energy into work and kids and not nurturing each other’s needs. Many many reasons.

 

Post # 9
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but look at the statistics about infidelity – that’s really scary. Frown

 

Post # 10
Member
1446 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@apex: I think about the same stuff. It’s not like I plan on getting divorced, but neither did the 50% you mentioned. Most divorces that I know of came from one of the partners changing significantly after marriage. One husband became abusive when he had never shown any signs of it previously, while another because fiercely protective to the point where he didn’t want his wife to leave the house. What scares me in both these cases was the husband changed after they were married (at least from what my friends told me).

Post # 11
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

of course none of us ever think that our marriages will end in divorce,but the statsitics tell us otherwise. I come from a huge family full of divorce, and only 1 set of grandparents are actually still happily married. My parents divorced because of fighting about money and so my father cheated because he wasnt happy at home and eventually left my mother for the other woman. Other couples have seperated over infidelity,abuse, but also from one half f the couple having a huge change of direction, and just expecting their spouse to go along for the ride.

 As @takemyhand: said,its all about communicating the big things before marriage,but I also think it is important to keep talking about big values and beliefs throughout the marriage,because people do change. The least you can do is help each other to change and grow together.

And never taking the other for granted or assuming anything.

Post # 12
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Hmm. Well since everyone else has pretty much covered this, I’ll just share my why’s in my life.

Mom and Dad – Why? Dad got into hot water legally, which revealed 10 years worth of lies to my mother. That was a deal breaker.

FI’s Mom and FI’s Dad – Why? She cheated and was on drugs/not taking care of Fiance and Future Brother-In-Law when Future Father-In-Law was gone. Infidelity + a deal breaker.

 

Post # 13
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@takemyhand: Well said!

There are many reasons. I actually had a professor tell me once(well the whole class, which was psychology of the family) that he knew walking down the aisle that his marriage would end up in divorce…that shocked me…

Post # 14
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@eagle: There is nothing quick about divorces. Its a very long and annoying process. With my first marriage I knew in six months I wanted a divorce. He had completely done a 180 in his attitude and how he treated me. In stead of an equal partnership like we discussed pre-marriage, he suddenly wanted me at home and basically be his maid. Like not just do the chores, I was to clear his plate for him. Not to mention he physically pushed me around once and that was the end of that. I tried to work in out for a year and a half with no help from him. So we got divorced which took an entire year to accomplish. Nothing is quick about all of that.

Post # 15
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Yeah everyone that I’ve known that got divorced it took at least a year if not more. Very time consuming, draining and tough process. It’s not like you just go down to the courthouse and get divorced in a day.

Post # 16
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Caizn: Same as Canada– you can’t even file for divorce unless you can prove abuse/infedility or have been living seperately for a year. After that year there are still at least 2-3 court appointments for an amicable split and don’t get me started on if someone wants x and someone wants x too or if there are kids involved.

Divorce is NOT a fast or easy process.

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