(Closed) Why do people get divorced?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

People get divorced because they make poor partner choices (as a match for them, not necessarily bad people) and one or both can’t/won’t solve their problems when things fall apart.  I agree with everyone here that too many people don’t discuss the big things before marriage, but also there is still huge pressure to get married.  Among the divorced people I know, there are several each of “She was pregnant.”, “I needed to get married before I got too old.”, and “We’d been together so long that I felt I had to get married.”

The ones I feel the most sad for are the people who did discuss the issues and their partner just flat out lied to get married.  One couple discussed the kids issue – they both agreed they did not want them.  Soon after marriage she started with “But I thought you would change your mind.”  (That wasn’t the only reason for the divorce, she was also a serial cheater and spent all their money on stuff for her.)

Post # 18
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@KatyElle:
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@takemyhand:

Exactly. We had nothing to split. No house, no kids, no pets. We each took our own cars and our own school debt and that was it. It still took a year to get that done. Oddly enough it took so long I met my current Fiance right before I was 100% divorced legally (had been seperated for a whole year though and tooootally wasn’t looking for anyone.)

Post # 19
Member
2231 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think that 

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eagle is saying that divorce is quick and easy. I think she’s saying that our culture is all about satisfaction now even if it means that the divorce will take years. People don’t think about the future but only what makes them happy in the moment. 

I think people enter marriage sometimes with the thought of “whatever happens, happens” even though they have a nagging feeling that something is wrong, that something is bothering them. I have a friend who married her husband knowing that he is a cheater and now it’s eating her up. It’s all she talks and thinks about. 

Post # 20
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

The actual divorce rate is not 50% – it’s somewhere in the mid-30’s…..still high, but not nearly as scary as thinking half the Bees on here will be divorced. It’s often misquoted because they simply take the number of marriages per year and divorces per year – well not everyone getting married this year is getting divorced this year – they are comparing two different populations. Fewer people are getting married now vs the 1970s & 1980s so it’s of a bit of apples and oranges. 

I think beyond things like cheating and abuse – people get divorced early in the marriage because they realize they don’t have the same goals as each other or they never learned to communicate well. So they let their annoyance over not putting the seat down (or bigger things like how they handle finances) boil into a cauldron of anger and resentment and believe they can and should find someone better. 

When kids leave the nest is another tough time – all of a sudden it’s just the couple again and if they’ve made their kids the focus of their lives and taken each other for granted, they find they don’t know how to connect with their partner anymore. 

It really comes down to communication and knowing your partner’s habits and goals before you say “I do”.

Post # 21
Member
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@Caizn: Same with my Fiance and I! He met me when he wasn’t even legally seperated (they didn’t file the seperation papers until about 6 months after they seperated and we met days before that). My Fiance was legally divorced after we had been together for over a year and we ended up going out for dinner to celebrate.

Post # 22
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@takemyhand: lol wow! I guess it just goes to show you can’t control when you meet the right person, huh?

Post # 23
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I was talking to a friend recently that got divorced about six months ago and she said that she got so caught up in wanting to get married and have a wedding that she didn’t realize that the partner she was choosing wasn’t right for her in a lot of ways.  She said they weren’t best friends and they soon turned into enemies.  I think that sums up what happens to a lot of people I’ve heard about.

Post # 24
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

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@Ms. Martian: yeah thats exactly what I meant – they aren’t willing to stick it out for the long term (life long).  They run into a problem and think “THATS IT!  WERE GETTING A DIVORCE!” (even if it takes 2 years). 

Post # 25
Member
2153 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I dunno..I think it’s just not as taboo as it used to be (divorce)….and so people don’t feel as pressured to stay in bad marriages, hence they end alot these days.

My mom said she just couldn’t live with my dad anymore, that it was unbearable and even after man years, it never got better and he refused to get help. I can attest for things being unbearable, even as a child I remember he wouldn’t let her sleep in their room, he came home drunk every night and would pick fights with her….he pushed her around, always distanced himself from her. He was a great father, but one crappy husband and I could see it, even from my childhood stance.

Thus, stubborness, a realization that one or both people in the marraige feel like they just don’t wanna be married anymore, for their own selfish reasons….they stop participating in the marriage. What’s a person to do if this happens? In the old days, you made ur bed and you lied in it, until death do you part. Now, it’s not seen that way. People empathize with someone feeling like they have no choice but to end a bad marriage.

Even churches, strict on the permanence of marriage, give you a way out and a chance to remarry that’s not easy, but is’nt as hard as it once was.

I don’t think there’s a way to fool proof your marriage. But talk about your worst fears with your spouse. 

I told my fiancee’ my worst fear is that he could decide to stop loving me, that he could decide to start hating me, or that he would one day tell me he wished he’d never married me. His responses to my fears made me feel a hell of alot better. Ofcouse I don’t want to be divorced and alone. I’m getting married in hopes that I will never have to be alone again. 

So talk to ur spouse…get premarital counseling. It helped us alot.

Post # 26
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

From what I see, the primary reason for divorce is failure to communicate, before and/or after the wedding. A lot of people rush into a marriage before truly getting to know each other and fail to discuss important issues such as money, children, religion, and other values they have. People also marry young, before they really come into who they are as a person. And while their partner might be what they want at 20, they both may change by 30 and no longer be compatable.

Another big one is people who believe their spouse will change, simply because they get married and are disappointed when the person is still doing the same old things they did while they were dating. On the other hand poeple have also fail to realize that your spouse may change after the wedding (kids, gaining weight, working more). They dont discuss the problem until its too late. The biggest failure to communicate seems to stem from adultry. The spouse who has been cheated on usually feels like it came from nowhere, but if you ask the cheater they will always point out problems they feel the marriage had.

The biggest piece of marital advice I have learned from my experience in matrimonial law is that communication and honesty is key. You have to communicate with your spouse, even if it hurts. If you dont like something or something does not feel right speak up and see a counselor before it becomes a bigger issue. And be honest with each other. If your partner is spending too much time at work and you hate it tell them. If your partner is gaining too much weight and you are no longer sexually attracted to them tell them. It may be difficult but it may save your marriage. And you have to be open to recieveing honesty even if it hurts. You cant fix a problem if you are not willing to hear it. Most importanly you need to be honest with yourself, and know what you are and are not capable of dealing with and communicate that with your ppartner before you marry.

Sorry that was really long!

Post # 27
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

well, speaking from experience,  i never thought I would be part of that statistic, but my ex i guess had other ideas…  he cheated on numerous occasions, on the internet and in real life, (although to this day, he will deny it)   but he also denies that he beat me up when I tried to leave him too…i guess the police and the courts were all wrong??  i tried to make it work for years.  it finally took it’s toll on me and i just had to get out.  I had no self esteem ( he was good at keeping me down) and no money, no where to turn.  I finally got the “balls” to do it and did.  i went thru hell as did my kids, but they realize now that it was best.  i never wanted them to feel that pain and did my best to keep them away from the fighting, but the ex was famous for making sure everyone knew everything.    the last 4 years of our marraige i was numb, i hated him, had no respect for him, and it made my skin crawl when he touched me. 

almost 5 years later… i am getting ready to marry a great guy that is a better father to my boys than their own, he would never cal me names, disrespect me or do anything to hurt me.  he is the real deal and i am soooo lucky that I have him.  i never thought i would marry again, but the moment i met him, i knew this time was different and will be different.  he’s my true love and the man I wish i had my kids with.

I don’t think anyone goes into marriage thinking about divorce, if u do, u shouldn’t marry them in the first place,  i wish i was mature enough the first time to have seen the signs.  but it was a life lesson, i have 3 beautiful boys and am in total head over heels love with a man that any girl would be proud and lucky to spend their life with.

Post # 28
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

as PP have mentioned, there’s lots of reasons why people divorce. I can’t answer for everyone. My parents divorced b/c even though they’d been married 25 years, they had major problems. Also, my dad was caught cheating on my mom. I divorced b/c not only was I doubting if I loved my ex-husband, but he was not the same person (and was actually a bad person – really mean to me, emotionally abusive, etc). As 

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@misslyn86‘s professor said they knew when they were walking down the aisle…. well, I hate to say, but I had similar issues. In the 2 months or so before my wedding to my ex husband, I had major doubts. I told him, and he told me that I was just having a panic attack (and he refused to go to counseling or push back the wedding. I had major doubts the day of my wedding. I was not that happy. 

 

Post # 29
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I read an interesting article as part of a family law class that compared divorce rates in different countries and looked at some of the deeper cultural diferences within those countries. One of the things it highlighted (just food for thought, I’m not necessarily agreeing) was that American culture often views marriage as a form of self-expression and self-gratification.  The same way that our career, our social behaviour, our lifestyle choices, our appearance are all expressions of what kind of person we see ourselves to be, our marriage and our partner are also an extension of that.  Therefore, when a person feels ungratified, or if they feel that either they or their partner has changed, the result is that their marriage and their spouse no longer jives with what image they have of themselves and their own life … which inevitably leads to “if this person isn’t making me happy, i OUGHT to be divorced.”  This of course not true of everyone, and it’s certainly not to say that a husband is only a means of self-expression just like your hair color is, but I can see some of the point it’s making.  I think a lot of us think to ourselves that the point of our spouse is to make us happy.  And that if our spouse isn’t making us happy, the point of our marriage isn’t being fulfilled.  I’m not saying this is totally wrong – but it is different from the perspective that a marriage is meant to produce children, or to function as the basic unit of society, or to create a partnership and companion in going through life’s successes and difficulties.  It’s okay to be annoyed with each other, it’s okay if you’re not completely enamoured with each other every day, it’s okay if periodically one or the other of you is a little self-absorbed.  Those things are normal, and they are not a justification for you to think that because your spouse is not fulfilling you, it’s time for you to reciprocate and move on to bigger and better things (or people).  

That being said, my own personal thoughts stems from it – that often times we become upset with another person for not making us happy.  “You’re not listening to me enough, you’re not doing things for me, you’re not taking care of me, you’re annoying me” etc.  Two people who are married to each other who are individually thinking like that will basically almost always fail to improve their situation.  Imagine if two people got married and thought to themselves “how can I make you happy”.  If you are both always looking out for the other one, you will basically both always be taken care of.  If you are both always looking out for yourself, a lot of times you will be fighting to get what you need.  The difficulty is that this approach only works if BOTH people do it.  If one person does it without a somewhat equivalent measure of reciprocation … well, that person is getting taken advantage of.  

And further, the communication part is key.  Other posters have said it.  It’s difficult to toe the fine line between being open and honest and addressing things before they become issues … vs. nagging about every tiny thing.  When my fiance and I have an issue, say I am sad that he didn’t listen to me, I come and say “I’m a little sad because I feel like you’re not listening to me.  I appreciate the times that you do listen to me, and you do a very good job of it, but it would make me happier if you could try a little harder at this.  Can you help me understand if I’m doing something that’s contributing to this.”  My fiance will turn around and say “sometimes you start talking to me at bad times – I’m really tired, or I’m in the middle of something.  If there are things you want me to be really attentive to, save those for times that I’m not occuppied.  If you’re just chatting to me while I’m doing other things, then I’ll still pay attention to you, but not 100%”.  This kind of scenario allows me to say what I dislike, appreciate him for what I do like, come across as reasonable, open the door for him to give his side, and look for some common ground to reach a solution.  Contrast this with saying “you asshole you don’t listen to me and it’s making me really mad.”  It’s taken us 4.5 years to get to this point, and I honestly think my fiance still thinks it’s “too much talking”, but I’m pretty sure it’s the reason we have way fewer fights than we used to have.  

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