Post # 1
This is an update to a previous post- A friend of mine assumed he had a plus one. I sent STDs but it was only addressed to him. He is not in a relationship, but he is traveling to attend. We went to school together so we have 10+ mutual friends and his entire family was also invited. He ASSUMED he had a plus one and already invited a friend (who is just a friend) as his date. It is extra awkward because I know her (went to the same school), but we have never been friends, or even friendly. They live 3,000 miles apart so they are also not traveling buddies. When I found out he had invited her, I let him know that we were only allowing guests for people in serious relationships and hadn’t given anyone else a plus one. I explained we had limited space (we really do) and if we had room, we would let him know. I got no response for 2 weeks. Today he said his mom and brother can’t go, only his dad, so can he bring his date? What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to be rude, but I never invited this girl. It’s hard to say whether there will be room, our invites haven’t gone out yet so it’s not like we have RSVPs back.
Any ideas about how to handle this gracefully? Why do people think they can sub-in people for wedding invites? I thought invitations were non-transferable? Should I pick my battles and just let him bring a random friend? I have already explained to another guest that she can being a friend only if we have room (she is also not in a relationship and we have tons of mutual friends so she will know a bunch of people also).
Post # 2
- Wedding: July 2015 - The Biltmore Ballrooms
I think he’s coming from a nice place- but he is likely ignorant to a wedding planning process. We are using the same tactic. Plus ones ONLY for people who would literally not know anyone else if they came alone. I know we will get the same questions about bringing someone due to someone else ot coming. I’ve already prepared that my answer will be know. I have about 15 people on a “B” list. That if someone isnt coming, I’d invite someone on the “B” list.
Do you have something like this? If you do, it’d be fair to let him know that since his mom and brother wont be coming, you are now able to replace them with other friends and family of YOURS who you were previously unable to invite.
Post # 3
HeartsandSparkles: just tell him NO. It has to be done sometimes.
Post # 4
It’s hard to say whether there will be room, our invites haven’t gone out yet so it’s not like we have RSVPs back.
This shouldn’t be an issue because you should only have invited as many as your venue can hold to begin with.
That aside, I think if people don’t RSVP yes, then the empty spots should be filled with guests of your choosing, NOT a date of a guest, especially one you do not know. I would let him know that RSVPs are not back so you cannot give him an answer on if he can bring his date. Or just ell him no and sya that you cannot allow her to come. He may choose not to come then, but that’s his choice.
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Post # 5
If she isnt traveling with him then I dont know why he needs to bring her. Also if you dont like this girl he wants to bring, you have every right to say no. You dont owe him a plus one at all.
Post # 6
NigerianHair: I do have a group of local friends I did not send Save-The-Date Cards to who I would love to invite, especially over a random person.
megz06: I only invited as many people as would fit in my venue. When we asked how many people would fit at the venue, they gave us a number. We did not invite more people than we were told would fit. It was only later that we discovered that they included all the tables on a covered veranda off the ballroom in this number. We don’t want anyone to feel like second class guests outside and would prefer all the guests in the ballroom. SoCal usually has nice weather, even in November, but why risk it? That’s why space became an issue. Even so, my family is really spread out and our guestlist is 80% out of town, so I think it is highly unlikely everyone will be able to make it, especially since they didn’t attend my sister’s wedding earlier this year.
Putting that aside, I really would prefer to have first dibs at choosing my guests- is that too much to ask?! Thanks for the advice!
MrsBuesleBee: Thanks, I am not very good at saying no, he he.
Post # 7
Our MOG wanted to send an invitation out, to someone else she knows, ever time one of the guests on their side declined. First of all, we didn’t have an unlimited ammount of invitations, and 2nd, I told her repeatedly that we invited 125 guests, expecting 15-25 to decline, since we had a maximum capacity of 100-110. Substitutions may apply in recipies, but not in wedding invitation guest lists.
Post # 8
Since you said that limited space was the issue, he’s thinking that two people not going frees up two spots.
He’s not taking into account that a) you might have over-invited knowing that some would decline, b) you probably didn’t have enough space to invite everyone you’d like initially, and so you’d like extra room to go to those people first, and c) you might have additional budgetary or personal reasons why you don’t want to invite people you don’t know.
I’d just be kind but firm with him. If you’re comfortable telling him the real reason, that’ll help him understand. He’s not being malicious, he probably just thinks there’s no harm in asking and he’d have more fun if he brings this person, and he doesn’t know of reasons why he can’t/shouldn’t.
Post # 9
rubysparks: Is there a nice way to say… my wedding invitation is not a concert ticket and is non-transferable? LOL.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t mind subbing people. It’s not any extra space or cost, if one person comes because another can’t. But personally I wouldn’t invite more people than my venue could hold, makes for all kinds of problems. I’d let him bring her, guess I’m in the minority.
Post # 11
Just tell him sorry if any misunderstanding (which is total BS, he is an idiot), but the invite was for you only. This is one reason why I do not llike plus ones, you do not know who will show up.
Post # 12
MzJynxie: As I explained before, I really wish the venue hadn’t excluded the patio into the occupancy numbers so all the people will fit if we also use the patio but we would like to keep our guests in a temperature controlled room. I think I might not be so opposed if it was a different person to be honest. I love his mom and she’s good friends with my mom. The random friend he wants to bring never even spoke to me in high school because I was a nerd and not cool enough. I would take mom any day over her! It may not cost extra but I would rather pay for someone I care about that I actually invited and wanted to be there than I random girl I don’t like.All people are not created equal, which is why wedding invitations are not transferable to someone else. (I believe that is the correct etiquette rule). I just want to handle it gracefully, if possible.
juanita.kelly.9: Thanks! That’s helpful phrasing!
Post # 13
HeartsandSparkles: No, it isn’t too much to ask, and if you read my whole response, I stated that’s exactly what you should do. I was just confused by the portion of your OP where you said that it was hard to tell if there would be room (hence why I thought you overinvited). If uncle John can’t come, and this new date is in his place, technically there would still be room because you are subbing a person for a person, no?
But, as I said in my original response, you should get to choose the guests to fill the empty spots.
Post # 14
HeartsandSparkles: Ugh, some people are just awful. Here’s what I would say:
Hey [insert name here]! Sorry to hear your mom/dog/fish can’t go. We are still in the process of sending out invitations and waiting to hear back from all of our guests. We have a few local friends we plan on inviting if we get back any ‘no’ RSVPs. If there are still empty seats after that, I will let you know so that [insert unwanted guest name here] may attend. I hope you don’t mind that we are giving priority to our own guests first!
Hopefully that bit of passive agressiveness in the guise of charm will get the point across. *facepalm*
Post # 15
nuggetsoflove: SO tempted, lol!
Part of me thinks that maybe if I explain the whole thing it would help, but part of me feels like I shouldn’t HAVE to explain myself because no one should invite extra guests to someone else’s wedding. Some people for sure.