(Closed) Why do so many people complain about their husbands!

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My husband can be a huge pain in the ass but most of the time (98%) he is the greatest person I know. But I also tend to vent more about the bad times than talking about the good times.

But at the same time, I dont ever dread going home, I look forward to going home and being able to spend time with him.

Post # 33
7384 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@This Time Round:  +1 

Marriage does not and will not fix relationship problems. We know a couple working through that currently. SO MANY people get married young/before they really know anything about living like an adult or marry someone because they think that’s what they should be doing, and end up miserable.

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@Mrs. Gremmlin:  + a million

There’s no one I’d rather spend time with than my husband.

Post # 34
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

They probably married a bit prematurely.

Fiance and I have been together over 5 years and we still have the “in love” feeling (that crush feeling that’s supposed to be temporary. Apparently not always). We certainly don’t go around bashing each other to other people. Our efforts are more to keep the public displays of mushiness to a minimum, as they can annoy others just as much as complaining about one’s partner can annoy others.

But if I had stayed with one of my exes, I’d probably be pretty miserable right now, and if I were locked into a marriage with one of them, I definitely could imagine staying late at work or commiserating with other unhappily marrieds etc. as a result of being with the wrong guy.

Post # 35
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2007

I have women at work that complain about their spouses. I never take part; in fact, I’ll walk away if I feel uncomfortable. I don’t ever bash DH in front of anyone- I actually don’t discuss the relationship at all. DH is the same way. His coworkers talk badly about their wives, but he doesn’t- and when they ask him how it feels to be tied down to me, he tells them he loves it.

I love DH. Even when I’m not completely happy with him, I still love him. He honestly doesn’t give me much (if anything) to complain about anyway.

Post # 36
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

My DH is not perfect and ya, there are things I could complain about if I let myself, but when I feel like complaining I always try to say something positive about him instead. Even in my own mind, when I’m frustrated by something, I try to remind myself of how amazing he is 99.9% of the time. I honestly think this is one of the things that helps our marriage the most. I don’t want him complaining to people when I do dumb things. 

Post # 37
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have been with my husband for almost 7 years iand I very much look forward to going home every night. 

Post # 38
1072 posts
Bumble bee

@This Time Round:  SO. TRUE.  And what you said really echoes a recent realization I made with my SO –

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@katydaisy: Here’s some insight from a reformed complainer – sorry about the length of this: 

I’ve been with my SO for just under a year.  We’re very, very different in many ways – I’ve called him my total opposite on more than one occasion.  We also knew from the get-go that we were interested in a long-term relationship with marriage and kids.  As such, we went through (and we’re still going through, although I think we’ve gotten past the hardest parts now) quite a transition period in trying to mesh with each other.

My friends would ask if I was still in the “honeymoon period” with my SO and I kind of realized that we never really had one.  I mean, we’re all lovey-dovey, which (to our amusement :P) is irritating to friends and strangers…but I’ve had my fair share of gripes about him.  We didn’t see eye-to-eye on a few things that initially REALLY concerned me. 

Unfortunately, I did complain quite a bit about him to friends and family, which I’ve stopped doing thanks to a thread here, where a bee said it’s unfair for her SO if she complains a lot about him because her friends/family will never see the million little things he does for her and all the ways he makes her life better, so he’ll never be able to redeem himself in their eyes.

At one point during my “complaint period”, I was told that I/we shouldn’t have to work so hard so early in a relationship, and that things should still all be in the rosy glasses, everything’s perfect honeymoon phase.

But I came to realize that this was a gift from my SO.  Because he’s not like other people – he told me straight up right at the beginning that he will not lie to me and he was going to completely be himself with me – opposites, flaws, and all.  Most people start off relationships being an exaggerated best version of themselves (or a fabricated much better version of themselves) that is not sustainable long-term, and then after the honeymoon period ends – i.e. they actually revert to being themselves because being the exaggerated best is too tiring – that’s when things get difficult and a lot of work has to be done.

With my SO, he showed me his true self right away, issues surfaced right away, we’ve worked/are working on them right away…and it’s re-affirmed to me that this is the right person for me, because we really enjoy & admire each other just as we are, and whenever we’ve had conflicts, we’ve been very open and willing to resolve them.

So that’s why I’m a reformed complainer.  Also, some people do it just because they enjoy complaining! 😛

Post # 39
2354 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@katydaisy:  FH has the exact same ‘problem’, but it’s with the men in his company. He hears them constantly complain about how they don’t want to go home to their ball’n’chain, bla bla bla…and here’s FH who’s dying to come home to me (and vice versa). 

He just doesn’t get it. Granted, they’ve  been married for a decade or two, and him and I have only lived together for 4ish months now (but been together 5+ yrs) and although the butterflies/spark isn’t always there…my need to be around him most of the time is still going strong. 

Sometimes I feel like people just want to talk and vent about things that aren’t really serious. At least personally, if I had a serious problem with FH I would not be talking about it with anyone, let alone my co-workers. However, if something small happened, I’ll say something like “Ugh, I know right? Mine [FH] can’t even make toast!!. Men, I tell ya!”…just to entertain the other person complaining, and that’s as far as it goes. 

That’s my take anyway. 

Post # 40
2051 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Some people complain just to complain. It’s annoying. I have a wonderful partner but even when he does make me mad, I never bitch about him to anyone else. We’re a team and it doesn’t do me any good to put him down in front of other people.

Post # 41
3584 posts
Sugar bee

My husband can be annoying sometimes but who in your life isn’t at some point or another! I sometimes thnk people just complain for the sake of it and make little things into bigger things so that probably how your co workers are lol


Post # 42
547 posts
Busy bee

I agree with others who have said it’s a bonding thing, just like complaining about how “fat” you are is. It’s not socially acceptable to gush about your life under most circumstances, because then it sounds like you’re bragging and people will start rolling their eyes. Sometimes just listening without contributing your own negativity to the conversation makes you come off as aloof. I’ve found myself downplaying my relationship with my FH to people for that reason. 

It sucks that people can’t have more real conversations. Mindless media and overconsumption are sooooo accessible these days that they’re naturally the first things people reach for in their free time, but I think they just make people feel even more alientated. Some people have nothing else to talk about except HS-style drama, celebrity gossip, and what they bought at Target, and that’s not fulfulling. I feel like a loser sometimes because I can never seem to finish school, but on the flip side I really like being forced to use my mind. I understand why people start itching to go to grad school eventually even if it’s not going to help their job prospects. School is crazy expensive, but it’s really hard to get any kind of creative or intellectual satisfaction outside of it. 

Post # 43
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t do this or feel this way, but my parents were always very upfront about the work it takes to make a marriage work and how you might go through cycles where everything doesn’t feel peachy or you may not even want to talk to that person, but you just have to work through it anyways.  They loved each other very much, but wanted me to have a realism when it came to marriage.  I vent to Mr. S when a friend or coworker annoys me, and while I would never bash a friend or my husband, I think its fairly normal to sometimes say “This person is making me crazy!”.  Not every stage in your lives together is going to feel like rainbows and thats okay.  Its important to not say something you’ll regret, but I think these women are probably just in one of the low points.  Its up to them as to how they handle it or if they are putting in the effort necessary to get it back on the upswing, and you can sympathize and then encourage them to make the effort.  I would let it go in one ear and out the other if it bothers you.  They probably feel that they are venting to a friend.

Post # 44
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@katydaisy:  I can’t wait to go home and spend time with my husband.  He can be a tool sometimes, but I love him and I’d rather argue with him and work it out (hello, makeupsex) than be with a bunch of catty women.  Except I work with a bunch of dudes and there is NO eye candy here.  So… home I go!

Also we have a no pants in the house rule, and I have to wear pants here.

Post # 45
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @ChicFoodist:  very very true.  Especially about men & women “being on their best behaviour” at the beginning of the Dating Relationship.  Which By The Way I don’t think is a bad thing, as this is part of the reason we become so interested in each other… flame the spark… it is all that “she’s intriguing, I need to know more”

BUT at the same time, I believe a couple has to ride that out, and get past “the Honeymoon phase” to the nitty-gritty.

That isn’t to say as I did in a reply further up… that a couple should just go along willy-nilly… I truly believe it is important that there are issues “hammered out” talked about so they can both get a good idea of what the other’s views on life are… the issues that are important in a Marriage.

Example, Kids need to be talked about in some way.  So that the woman doesn’t suddenly find out in Year 2 or after they are Engaged that the guy had no interest in having kids.  Not cool.  In that way, she’s been going along la-ti-da in the Honeymoon Phase, and essentially wasting her time dating this dude.

That said, beyond the Honeymoon Phase… they say, a Man typically falls in LOVE within 18 months, I strongly suggest having now “been down the aisle” twice that a couple doesn’t look at Marriage seriously until the 3 year mark.

Around the 3 year mark, the Honeymoon Phase comes to an end (even in the longest scenario) and people are truly themselves.  Then you know EXACTLY what you have in front of you… the good & bad.  All of that person.

Mr TTR & I were friends before we were Lovers.  So we knew some things about each other from the get go.  When we were in the “we’ll try this dating thing” stage (both of us very very gunshy after longterm relationships in the 25 year range, and not sure we even wanted to date, let alone marry again)… we laid all our cards on the table… and said “this is who I am”… these are my good qualities, these are things about me I’m not particularly good about / proud of, and these are the things in my life that I’m not willing to change… as I see them as fundamentally who I am.  Now let me know what you think… can you deal with the REAL ME ?

Fortunately the good stuff was really great, the not williing to change stuff… didn’t cause each of us a great deal of grief.  And the iffy stuff things we make a conscious effort to help the other person with… that isn’t to say, that last category has been easy… we both struggle now where just one of us did with the things in life that we aren’t always happy about when it comes to ourselves… and we have had a few “bitchy moments” over them, but for the most part we recognize that we are both not perfect people and WANTING TO MOVE TOGETHER IN THE SAME DIRECTION… it is just sometimes we need the other person to either encourage us, or pull / push us along.

And so it goes…

PS… I am glad to hear you’ve pulled back on the complaining about your man to others… doing so to family is especially toxic in my experience / witness.


Post # 46
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t complain about my husband to my friends, and especially not to mutual friends, for a lot of reasons – but I can relate to the feeling of not always wanting to go home right after work. I adore my husband, but our marriage does take work now in a way that it didn’t for the first two years, when I thought he farted rainbows, you know? 

For me, I think that there was a shift after we got engaged and then again after we got married. All of a sudden, it wasn’t like, “Boy, he’s cheap but who cares, it’s his money!” It was, “Oh my God, I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life arguing about spending an extra dollar on the better laundry detergent.” Living with someone and entwining your life with someone can be difficult – at least it is for me. But I’m a fairly introverted person who likes to do things “my way” and enjoys a lot of quiet time. DH, on the other hand, also likes to do things “his way” and LOVES to talk. In the first few years we were together, I couldn’t wait to get home and talk to him! He’d be all, “I saw a pigeon today,” and I’d be like, “Tell me more! I am fascinated!” Now I’m more like, “I have a thousand things on my mind and I have to get dinner on the table, for the love of God, would you please just stop chattering?!” 

So I guess that’s it… I mean, I am absolutely happy in my marriage generally, and we’ve always worked everything out in the past and I’m 100% confident we will be able to work out all the things that come up in the future… but it is work sometimes, it takes a lot of compromise and both of us are no longer in the stage where we are happy just staring into each other’s eyes so… there’s more to complain about now. 😉 

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