Post # 47
@katydaisy: Take this with a grain of salt, since I don’t really know how true it is, but an aunt once told me her theory is that many women of her generation (those who married before 1980) had less opportunities and marriage was more of an expectation then, unless you were really into the hippie thing. Her theory is that many couples in her age range are unhappy now because they married just because they thought that was what they were supposed to do.
Honestly I think there’s still a lot of pressure to get married (for women, anyway) and that a lot of women marry for convenience or because they want a family or because they thought it was what they were supposed to do after college, but not always because they are madly in love with their husbands or because their husband was their best match.
If you know you are marrying/married your husband for the right reasons, then you should have nothing to worry about. My parents have been very happily for over 30 years, and I know plenty of couples like them. Not that some (or even most) of them haven’t gone through rough patches, but they’ve worked through them and come out the other side even stronger and even closer.
Post # 48
I think it’s incredibly rude to bad mouth your husband. I always think oh my word how would they react if their husband was talking about them like that to his coworkers.
I’ve only been married about a year and half, but we’ve lived together for almost 5 years and yeah he does things that bug me. but I make it a point not to talk about those things unless it’s to him. (we’re an open never let things fester kind of couple) But I do make it a point to gush about him and the good things he does, even if others are complaining. (i’m a teacher too) Like he’s an excellent cook and on his days off he always makes a great dinner for me to come home to and I always say oh he’s got such and such waiting for dinner when I get home…ect. =]
I find that this changes the conversation from lets dump on our husbands to my husband does some nice things too and also it’s great for our relationship it just reaffirms my love for him.
And as far as it being rude to gush in conversation, IDC there’s nothing important enough in a small talk setting that’s worth hurting my relationship, and yes downplaying an negative talk about your SO will hurt your opinion of your relationship over time.
Post # 49
And that 5% of the time he is being a jackass, he get’s to know about it. Not everyone else.
Post # 50
maybe they are being sarcastic!
one thing about these boards….. It’s always one sided! Of course every woman on here is the perfect girlftiend/wife with a perfect relationship and would never ever say a bad thing about their SO!
Sonetimes i dont wanna come home right away cuz I like my time away from him too, or I’m crabby and just want to chill out before I go home etc. doesn’t mean I don’t love him to death.
Post # 51
@katydaisy: I’ve been married for less than a year but we’ve been together for over 4, and I can say that’s not the case for me at least, or for most of the married women I know. My mom and dad are still madly in love, my DH’s mom and dad are not crazy about each other but they still do love each other and get along well.
I know this might seem harsh, but those women need to grow up a little bit and understand that a good relationship/marriage doesn’t *just come*. You make it. Love is a choice and an action, something you do every day. It’s small sacrifices, holding your tongue, having kind words, and not bitching all the time.
A very good advice I got before I got married was: If you expect a marriage to be 50-50, you might as well draw up the divorce papers now. That’s because a true 50-50 marriage never feels like 50-50. It feels like 60-40 for both people involved. So you always have to strive to do at least 60% of the work in the marriage – and understand that only then are you actually at the midpoint with your husband.
I follow that every day of my life, and we’re very happy. Except when one of us forgets and starts being overly demanding. Then things get tense. But they never stay that way.
Post # 52
@ames12708: +1. That’s the way to go! In the end, you choose how you see your husband. It’s all in your perspective.
Post # 53
I adore my husband. He is my best friend and I love going home to him. We’ve been married for a year and a half and living together for four years. I cherish the time we get to spend together.
I think it’s just fashionable to complain about our issues in our society. People often don’t give each other space to talk about the good things without making them feel guilty. Sad but true.
Post # 54
@squeak: +1 back at ya!! Love the 50-50 thing that’s so true and wise =]
Post # 55
I’m not sure. I have a friend and a co worker like this and honestly I think it’s so disrespectful to air your issues and slag your partner to everyone like that.
Post # 56
@This Time Round: I agree about the importance of both wanting to move in the same direction together! 🙂
I’m glad I stopped complaining too, although sometimes I wonder if I’ve damaged his reputation with my family (specifically my one aunt that lives in the same city as us) beyond repair – and they’ve totally pre-judged him because they haven’t met him yet. I feel terrible about this!!! The only way I can think of making it up to him is to stop and hopefully time will fix this. :S
Post # 57
If I was actively avoiding going home to my SO, we would be having some serious problems. I can get the “bonding” aspect of it, but to a point. I would never seriously complain about him to coworkers (or even friends!) and would keep it in a more lighthearted manner. If I ever thought my boyfriend was actively complaining about me to his coworkers or avoiding coming home to me, I would be incredibly upset.
But I agree that it’s fashionable to complain. I don’t think that people appreciate their partners enough in everyday life and get caught up in the annoyances and what goes wrong rather than appreciating how incredible it is to even have someone who loves and supports you 100%.
Post # 58
Being married for 6 years before separated, as well as comiserating with my other married or otherwise committed friends most of the time all you hear is the bad. People tend to speak up when their complaining rather than praising their loved ones. My ex and I always talked smack about each other. He used to complain to his family and friends about me ALL the time for one thing or another and exaggerate facts according to my ex SIL. Everything was dramatized, it was an awful existance most of the time.
Now being older and wiser, and having spent the last 4 years with the sweetest, yet sometimes most infuriating man, I tend to brag more and complain less. Afterall, who’s business is it if we’re arguing? No ones.
Post # 59
@katydaisy: I have no idea, but I can’t wait to see my husband every night! The more time with him the better.
Post # 60
@squeak: I totally agree with you. My mantra is “it’s not 50%-50%. It’s 100%-100%.” So I better put my back into it. 🙂
Post # 61
@nataliegrace90: People often don’t give each other space to talk about the good things without making them feel guilty
This is also true. Sad to say there are a lot of bitter people out there that will interpret anything positive you ever say as “insufferable bragging.” (There is a difference: A braggart only wants to hear about their own positives, and has no time to hear about anyone else’s. A happy person has room for both). You have to choose who you spend time with carefully. Thoughts become words become actions.