(Closed) Why do some men wait longer than others?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

For starts, I was 23 when my DH and I got engaged. He was 27, and we dated just a little over 2 years. I don’t think that waiting 7 years means they will never get married. Of course you can!

 

Maturity is one of the biggest reasons, and I think that differers from age. I know plenty of 27 year olds that feel they are too young for marriage. My DH, however, had the reasoning that he loves me, has a good job, and all of his friends are married and he liked the idea of having kids before 30. Plus he says there wasn’t a good enough reason to wait.

I think a lot of guys just don’t feel ready, whatever that means to them. Perhaps they just need to be sure that marriage is for them. I think media has a lot to do with how men (or women) feel about marriage. With divorce rates high and celebrities changing parters every week I think it is hard to value marriage for some.

Post # 4
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@oldlookingyoungster:  I think a lot of men have this idea of adulthood and marriage, and they expected to be in a certain place when that happened. So for some men, that might be a certain age, while other men, it might be a job, bank account balance, number of girlfriends prior to, state of mind, etc.

One guy I dated previously said he would never get married until he owned a house. Another said they would want to be done with school. My DH didn’t really have any “qualifiers,” apart from loving the person he proposed to. They’re all different, fortunately and unfortunately. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
2832 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Men mature MUCH slower than women. I dated FI for 6 years before we got engaged. I think it is important that he know that you want to get married and will not wait forever.

Post # 6
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

I wanted to wait quite a while because there are many divorces in my family and I wanted to be 150% sure that we were going to be a team. I wanted us to live together, grow together, and experience some of the good and bad that life has to offer. I think experiencing life together says a lot about your partnership and it can’t be experienced unless you wait longer to get engaged.

So basically: our experiences with marriage sometimes impact how long a person waits. 

Post # 7
Member
9174 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

It just depends on when they are ready to actually be married.  It’s a big step for a man (and woman!), because many feel like they need to be able to provide and take care of a family before they can get married.  That means they need to be emotional ready and mature as well as financially ready to support another person.

We got engaged in less than year but we met at 27 (nearing 28 for him).  If we had started dating at 18 or something I’m sure we would have dated 5 years or more before we got engaged.

Hell I wasn’t ready (and didn’t want to be!) to get married until after 25 either.  I enjoyed one hell of a good time in my early 20s and I loved it.

Post # 8
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Everyone is different.  Girls can be the same way.  I am 29, FI is 31.  He proposed after 9 months!  We are both so ready.  I have an uncle who is getting married 3 weeks before me (he’s probably 50).  We never ever thought he would get married, just one of those guys.  He and future aunt (she’s in her 40s) have been together for many years and were perfectly content without the title.  Not sure what prompted them to get married, but I know my uncle has become more of a softee since he started dating her.  I don’t think it even matters what age either of you are; just when the time is right. 

Post # 9
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Sometimes they’re just not ready. Men typically don’t mature as fast as women do so when they’re young, this is definitely a HUGE factor. They might also have a certain goal in mind (home, career, finances, age, education, etc.) that they want to reach before getting married.

Another one that I’ve heard is children. A lot of men think that as soon as they get married they will also be starting to have children, they might be ready to make the step to be committed to their spouse, but not quite to the idea of kids yet.

There’s always the huge “what’s the rush” fight too. This is a big one when the couple already lives together, the man might see engagement and marriage in the future but doesn’t have the same impatient feeling that the woman can sometimes have.

Having said all of that, this could be flipped, sometimes it’s not always the guy in the relationship who feels this way!

Post # 10
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@oldlookingyoungster:  I think it’s so offensive when people assume that the guy is still trying decide if he wants to marry the girl after so many years. I think it’s more like he just isn’t ready to get married, so he’s waiting until he is. Why would a 22 y/o propose if he doesn’t want to get married until he’s 27? Five years is a looong time to be engaged! I’ve been with SO a little over 7 years now and he’s finally ready to get engaged. I never doubted that he wanted to marry me, he just wasn’t ready for a wedding until now.

Post # 11
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

@pineapplez17:  I agree, it’s definitely offensive when people just jump to conclusions about that. You can never know someone’s true motivations and how they feel and it’s so wrong to assume.

Post # 12
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

There are definitely situations where someone is being strung along but that’s up to that person to realize it.  It does not apply to every relationship.

My SO wants us to live together before we get engaged.  He, jokingly, said he wanted to be sure I could stand living with him.  And I’m fine with this.  Moving in together is a big commitment too.

My only concern is getting comfortable playing house and feeling like engagement/wedding isn’t necessary.

I’ve been with SO for over 3 years and we’re planning on getting a place together next summer.  He has house issue he has to settle with his room mates, I have financial things to get in order.  And we don’t want kids or a big white wedding so hopefully, without those huge expenses, there won’t be much of a delay once we are living together.

Post # 13
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@orchidaloha:  Definitely. And the only thing accomplished by this line of thinking is making all the waiting girls feel bad about themselves and their relationships. What good is that? bah…some people are just…grr!

Post # 14
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@megz06:  +1

I agree, it definitely has to do with maturity, and when a guy feels like he is ready to take that next step and make a lifelong commitment. My FI dated a woman for 5 years before me, and was just not interested or ready to make that commitment with me.

When we met, he told me he had never felt the way he feels about me about anyone else before me, and he proposed on our 2 year anniversary.

It really does all depend on the guy.

Post # 15
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

How many couples do you know that waited 12 years to marry?

What you need to know is what YOU want to do.  Not what he wants to do.  If you are fine with it, then why are you asking the Bee’s?  He does not want to marry is the current situation, waiting “up to 7 years” does not mean he’s going to marry you ever.

This is why you need to decide what your future goals and responsibilities are going to be.  You may be fine living together or dating him that long. And if you are remember, there is going to be “up to 7 years” that you may be wasting on your future plans because in that amount of time they may not include him.

What goals for buying a house, getting educated, acquiring personal loans and credit do you need to have and will your situation with him positively effect these outcomes during that 7 year period?  Under no circumstances should you ever consider combining these decisions with someone who is not willing to make a commitment to you until possibly 7 years down the line.

Meanwhile he’s just plugging along, doing whatever he’s wanting to do without a care in the world all the while with the benefit of your assets, skills and companionship.  You get limbo….. and you don’t get to meet new people or start new relationships.  Yes marriage is a big step, but so is putting your life “on-hold” for 7 years.

 

Post # 16
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

@pineapplez17:  I was posting on here about how I was feeling during waiting… at first I was just impatient but then I started to feel like he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want me, all based on what I read on here. It took a HUGE conversation with him (and some counselling) to realize that wasn’t the case. At all. It was actually the opposite. Basically a lot of the advice I got from here ended up possibly hurting our relationship. Scary, huh?!

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