(Closed) Why do some people “expect” certain things to be included at weddings?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee

I get you exactly. And to escape all the judgment and craziness of my own wedding, we are having a destination wedding with just family. My grandma said “in my day we just had a nice get together when we alll got married and it wasn’t all this craziness.” lol. 

I wish for those simple days where weddings had guests that were just happy for them and not expecting huge gifts, entertainment, lavish bars, cocktail hour, 5 course meals etc in return for attending the wedding of their friends.

It bugs the crap out of me and i WAS OVER IT when I got engaged. Hence…simple destination wedding lol.

Post # 4
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m jumping on the Destination Wedding boat too for that reason. It never appeald to me untill all the crazy started comming out of the wood work.

Post # 5
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t know, nobody in my circle of friends acts like that, they are all just genuinely happy for my Fiance and I.  I don’t understand the big hoopla, but I think the thing that bugs me the most is that now a 150 guest wedding is considered “small” and spending $10,000 is being called a budget wedding?  REALLY? Ugh, the whole wedding industry is a suck on the special-ness of weddings sometimes 🙁

Post # 8
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It is ridiculous how expectations have changed!  When I remember weddings I have gone to, I remember how in love the couple looked, or their first dance, or what have you.  People should be focusing on the love, not the stuff.

Post # 9
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s human nature to compare and expect certain ‘known’ events to be somewhat similar, mainly due to your experiences. Most weddings are exactly the same, no matter where you live in the US, from what I’ve seen. Some are more elaborate than others, of course, but they all follow the same general format.

 I’ve been to many different kind of weddings ranging from over the top to what were they thinking, but so what? I was invited to share the day in whatever way it was planned, and that’s what really mattered.

The ‘old days’ are long gone for a reason!

Post # 10
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think that certain things are “expected” with weddings. I think it’s just natural to get more excited about the bigger weddings just because they’re so rare (so these fancy weddings are more photographed and more talked about, especially online). It’s like when you were a kid and got to go to someone’s birthday party with the bounce house or pony ride.

I’ve been to plenty of no frills weddings in the church basement and they’re fine. That couple’s marriage is just as good as anyone else!

I think the only expectation that couples have is when the invite says something like  “black tie” and there’s not a full dinner or if the reception is at dinner time and there’s a cake/punch only wedding.

Post # 11
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Ember78:  I would love to get an answer to this!

Post # 12
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I see it go both ways all the time. It kind of makes my blood boil when I see people being like “Ugh, buffets are so tacky” or “Ugh, those favors aren’t good enough.”

But at the same times, I see a lot of pretty unrealistic expectations being put on guests in many cases as well. Like don’t have an out of town wedding and get mad when 90% of the people you invited to your adult only wedding have kids and can’t come. Can’t everyone just agree to party?

Post # 13
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

There’s two trains of thought here.  The first, and in my book the only socially acceptable one, is along the lines of general hospitality.  If I am a guest and am being invited to a celebration that will last several hours and cross over normal dinner hours, I expect that the host will feed me.  Maybe that’s because, as a hostess, I would never dream of tying people up for hours and making them miss dinner!  In general, it’s just the “right” way to do things, and I don’t see anything wrong with a guest who’s invited to a 4pm wedding to expect to be served enough food to count as dinner, or a guest who’s invited to a 12pm wedding to expect to be served enough food to count as lunch.

The other train of thought, though, is people whose standards are impossibly high, and feel that they are “owed” something just because they do you the favor of showing up. I can’t get behind that. It really shouldn’t matter to the guests if the meal is buffet or plated, if it’s served on china or paper plates, if there’s an ipod instead of a big band, or any of that.  As long as the host provides some sort of entertainment to help guests enjoy themselves, and provides a meal appropriate for the time of day, the details shouldn’t matter.  Anyone who wants to MAKE it matter will not be getting an invite to my wedding, that’s for sure.

I’ve been to weddings held in the bride’s back yard under a tent, with a keg of beer and burgers for lunch, and some with two elaborate receptions, open bar, fine china, and huge wedding parties, and the setting and “amenities” have never made  one wedding “better” than another. It’s always about how happy the couple looked and who did I get to spend time with, and I have little patience for anyone who goes around nit-picking every last detail. In fact, I almost took a swing on one of my cousins, at my brother’s wedding, which was held at a lovely B&B on the beach. Since I was working in a bar and could get booze wholesale, I bought 4 kegs with me but the tap system was acting up, and we could only get 3 working at a time. My cousin had some smartass remark about this and the gloves almost came off… needless to say, he’s NOT invited to my wedding!

Post # 14
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Mrs McCain 2012:  My grandma said the same thing, when they were married there wasn’t all this “craziness” and long engagements with lots of planning like there is now. She also told me that you graciously accpeted whatever help your Maid/Matron of Honor & BM’s could provide (or afford)…and didn’t just EXPECT things like now. And they made all their dresses, haha! She also said they got married earlier in the morning, had brunch, took pictures, then had the reception! It was a FULL day of events starting with the wedding at around 8-9 a.m.!

Post # 15
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My grandmas said the same. It was an entire day’s worth of events (low budget of course). The day ended with a big send off at the train station where the newlyweds went off on their honeymoon. My grandmas also made all the bms dresses.

Hearing her say that made me happy I wasn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man in the 1940s! I can’t sew to save my life.

Post # 16
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Maybe that’s what it is. Guest expectations of the wedding have risen so much because wedding expectations put on them have gotten so much higher than back in the day. Like the couple requesting the guests wear a particular color, cover the cost of their plate, outright asking for cash, BMs expected to coordinate 50,000 different parties and DIY sessions, and the list is endless.

Or a bride who wears a $10,000 gown and decides there is no room in the budget to feed people.

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