(Closed) Why do some people “expect” certain things to be included at weddings?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@PinkMagnolia:  that’s exactly what I said “oohhh, it’d be scary if I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man back then, my dress would be really crooked with bad seams” haha! I cannot sew! 

Post # 18
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee

I know for me, growing up hearing about my Grandmother’s quickie wedding (at age 14!) where everyone shunned them because they didn’t get married in church, and my Mom’s simple wedding where my Dad bought her gown, she borrowed a friend’s veil, and all her bridesmaids wore dresses they already owned, were just stories that came up occasionally and never impacted me much.

When it came time for my sister’s weddings, all those old bad feelings my Mom had about how she wished she had a much nicer wedding came out in her planning frenzy for them. She did go a bit crazy with it, but she wanted them to have much more than she ever did (as is the case with many parents). SHE wanted all the upgraded everything and took out loans to pay for it all.

I was the last to get married, and after being in and at so many weddings, I knew what I wanted and didn’t want, but I honestly didn’t care what anyone had to say about it. I fed my guests well, had a great band for the night, and everyone enjoyed themselves so much we extended the reception by another 2 hours.

Lots of brides want bigger and better and nicer and more memorable, so is it because of who they are and how they were raised or is it media influenced?

I ‘expect’, as a guest, that the excitement of the day will rub off on me and I’ll be happy to see yet another couple join the ranks of the happily married. Throw in a beverage and some cake and I’m good.

Post # 19
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The wedding expectation frustrations for me haven’t been from guests, but from family members during planning. Like, the wedding “has” to be in the bride’s hometown, there “has” to be cake (because you “have” to cut it ceremoniously, duh!), it “has” to be in a church, etc., etc.

My response has been that since it is a legal wedding, there HAS to be a couple, an officiant, a license, and two witnesses. Everything else is 100% optional!

Post # 20
Member
992 posts
Busy bee

Ample/adequate food and drink, somewhere to sit, a bathroom, and weather appropriate shelter (air conditioned if it’s hot out, heated if it’s cold, dry if it’s raining, etc) is all I ‘expect’. The rest is just icing on the proverbial cake, if you’ll pardon my well intened pun.

Post # 21
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

What really irritates me, more than guest expectations, is the sky-high expectations of some of the brides.  Why do some folks expect that the MoH or bridesmaids are going to be putting in 40 hours a week in work towards the wedding, or that it’s not a “proper” wedding unless there’s 200 guests?  Why do folks expect lavish gifts, fill their registry with pages and pages of crap, nothing under $100, then whinge when someone buys off-registry?

For that matter…. why do so many brides expect that their parents are planning on paying for the whole shebang, that the ring is going to be a massive rock, and that no one will dare to let a baby cry during their wedding, wear a similar dress in another wedding, choose a wedding date too close to their own, or throw them a crazypants weekend in Vegas as a bachelorette party?

 

Post # 23
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think it happens on both ends with the couple and with the guest. The are people complaining about gifts, complaing about people not being able to make it to all the wedding events, complaining about parents not wanting to pay for their weddings(well weddings don’t cost what they use too!).

Then we have the guest, complaining about having to dress up, complaining about the food, having to eat on plastic plates, things being “tacky” you name it.

I feel this is a bigger issue then weddings, and is about the entitlement and self centerness that seems to be running rampant these days.

Post # 24
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I just have to say, I’m so HAPPY that I’ve escaped anything resembling this kind of drama!  I guess that’s a huge tribue to my fiance and I as a couple, and to our circle of friends and family.  All that we expect is to be able to give the nicest party possible within our price range, that everyone among our invited guests who is able to attend will come (but having invited friends as far away as Australia, we know that not everyone will be able to make the trip… and we don’t hold it against them), and that we’ll all enjoy a wonderful evening together.  Our guests expect us to give them a happy occasion together; they expect to have a great time and hopefully make some new friends.  

If we happen to have a nice meal along the way, or too many cocktails, or silly dancing, then that’s just gravy.

By The Way I do have VERY high expectations from my vendors and I’ve got no problem holding them to that.  But that is a totally different story.  There is nothing wrong with a bride expecting the food to taste nice and be served at the right temperature, or the venue to be clean and well cared-for. 

Post # 25
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@risingsun: 100% agree. All my issues have been with family. I have been thinking about having a Destination Wedding, just because I don’t really like any of the venues around here. I posted a pic of a gorgeous venue I found in Georgia (I live in Pennsylvania) on my Facebook. My friends were all like, “That is beautiful! How awesome!” etc. My family? “Nooooooooo!” “Too far away!” “Why the heck do you want to go to Georgia?!”

I’ve had pretty much the same negative response to any ideas I’ve thrown out to my family. No bridesmaids – “Your sisters will be crushed!” Colored wedding dress – “You HAVE to wear white!” 80-person guest list – “But you have to invite ALL the family!” Ugh.

I’m pretty sure I just need my family to cause me a few more emotional crying breakdowns and my Fiance will cave and let me have the elopement I really wanted. Of course, it’s sad that my family does this to me, but honestly, they’re the reason I just want to elope in the first place!

Post # 26
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I know what you mean! The only things required at a wedding are 2 people who want to get married, a marriage license (and any other necessary paperwork in the case of previous marriages), an officiant, and the necessary witnesses.

A few weeks ago we were hanging out with my fiance’s friends, one couple is getting married this summer, and another couple got married a few years ago. When the engaged woman mentioned something about how she isn’t planning an official send off from the church, the married lady was HORRIFIED that she wasn’t doing anything, like bubbles or something, and immediately offered her 12 left over bottles of bubbles to ‘help with costs’ You know because 12 bottles of bubbles are really going to make a dent when you have a guest list of 180…

She has said a few other things about what should be done at a wedding and other comments about weddings. I am dreding what she is going to think about our wedding!

Post # 27
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

After my FI’s grandmother told us how much money she was spending on getting to our wedding and how she couldn’t afford to help out (I get it, FL to CA is an expensive trip, and we never asked for help anyway!) she began telling us all the things that would be expected of us. I get where she was coming from, but it was totally weird.

Post # 28
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Completely get this and hate it. My Fiance and I aren’t having alcohol or dancing at our wedding. Why? We have to catch a plane and don’t want to burden our families and guests with late cleanup. Apparently everyone expects us to provide them with entertainment. I’ve been to weddings with and without it, and I never felt I was at a wedding to be entertained. I was there to support the couple becoming one and starting their life together. We have heard “really? No alcohol?” “seriously? No first dance?” no, we have a plane tocatch and our first dance will be jumping on the bed in our awesome hotel room and then clubbinIna few nights of our Honeymoon. My Fiance has been guilted into throwing a party when we return, I’m hoping to talk him out of it before any plans get set. I’m not here to entertain you!!!

Post # 29
Member
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Did that open mindedness ever really happen? I think you may be yearning for an olden day that never even existed.

Social norms and tradition breed expectation. As those things have always been around, I don’t think what you’re wanting has ever happened.

Post # 30
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

The only expectation that I grew up with in my culture is that you cover your own plate when going to a wedding. Most people will call the venue or someone else going to the wedding and ask how much it is per plate. And they will bring that much + however much they want to gift the couple. If you can’t afford to do that, then don’t come. I’m not sure if this is a “fair” or “nice” rule but it’s something I grew up with. You also never actually bring a gift to a wedding. Envelopes only. Gifts are considered extremelly tacky. The last wedding I was in, there was no “gift” table and the venue manager got really upset/rattled when a few people showed up with ginormous giftwrapped toasters and microwaves. They had to quickly find a table from the kitchen and throw a table cloth on it for these gifts! 

Post # 31
Member
772 posts
Busy bee

The wedding expectations and judjy-ness have been from my bridesmaids not our guests. They have been blowing my mind lately and kind of making me not like them right now. Frown

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