Post # 1
Why do you think some people find true love and their partners so easily while others wait years to find it and endure so much heartbreak? Is it pure dumb luck?
I’ve (32 y/o) always found relationships/hook-ups somewhat easily but that’s probably because I’m outgoing and conventionally attractive. I found true love and a potential life partner at 19 but he unexpectedly passed away from a heart defect in 2012. My next LTR was outwardly perfect but actually really abusive – we lived together and were engaged but I was finally brave enough to walk away in summer 2017. Had boyfriends since then but nothing too serious or memorable.
Needless to say I’ve endured a lot of heartbreak. I’ve feel like I’ve been addressing it as best as can be. I’ve built a really great life for myself and at 32, I feel like I’m in a place where I’m actually OK being single and really know what I want in a partner. Not willing to settle! Met some really great kind and lovely men lately on dating apps – not the right match for me, but lovely all the same.
I sometimes do wonder why some people around me, like my mom, sister and some friends, found good partners so young and without any effort. It’s literally like they walked into a happy relationship and lifelong commitment without every really trying. My sister has been with her boyfriend since 18 and she’s 24 now. My mom has been happily married since age 23. A lot of my friends are married to their high school or college loves. Meanwhile, I have other friends who can barely even get a text back and have been on the singles market for years. A few have never even been in an LTR. They struggle to find good partners and it makes me pretty sad to see this.
It’s also hard to see friends/acquaintances go through a breakup or divorce only to find their “person” within a few months or a year and start a healthy & happy relationship. Like it just fell into their lap while I still have to slog through dating.
I’m not wondering this to be bitter – I’m generally just curious. I also know no one is susceptible to breakup up or divorce. Is it just dumb luck? It be like that sometimes?
Post # 2
comparison is the thief of joy. Anyone and everyone is susceptible to a break up or divorce- it can happen in a year or 45 years from now. People find love at different life stages, some when they’re younger while others find their person later in life. Most important is having a fulfilling life and setting goals for yourself when single or not. Focus on the blessings in your life and believe that everything will happen when it’s meant to. So sorry for your loss also.
Post # 3
Some of its luck. I think it’s absolutely luck that I met my husband at 18. I certainly didn’t do anything special.
But I do see friends who I think aren’t making the best dating choices. I have one friend who just dates the exact same type of guy over and over again. Meeting her new boyfriends is like she downloaded the old one into a new body. She is also never the one to end a relationship and doesn’t really date (jumps right into being exclusive). So I don’t think she’s just having bad luck. She could make some different choices.
Another one of my friends never puts himself out there. He doesn’t try so he’s never had a relationship.
Post # 4
One of my close friends is in her late 20s and has never dated, despite being attractive, intelligent and wanting a life partner. My take is that she sets high standards, but these standards are arbitrary and don’t correspond to making someone a good partner (an example of these standards is only dating people from a very short list of universities). Because she hasn’t dated yet, she feels pressure for the next person to be pretty much perfect, and isn’t forgiving of issues like slight awkwardness when getting to know each other and so on.
I am very close to someone in her mid 20s who has never dated because she is scared of rejection.
I met my partner at 23, but I don’t think I had an “easy” path. I was in some pretty bad relationships prior. I was also lucky that I met my partner at a point when I was self aware and settled, which wasn’t the case in my late teens.
Post # 5
I met my husband at 18. I think it was a combination of luck + loyalty. Let me explain… we both are the kind of people who really want a life-long companion. We both thrive on having a partner. When I’m brutally honest with myself sometimes I wonder if we both want a long-term partner enough that being “perfect” didn’t matter to either of us. We love eachother and we are both determined to make it work no matter what. We don’t have tons of things in common but at the end of the day what we do have love, determination, and loyalty is enough to bring us together. I think we were lucky to find eachother because I truly love our relationship and wouldn’t trade what we have for anything buuuuut I think that had either of us met someone else with the drive to have a lifelong relationship that that relationship could have been successful too.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2023 - Chateau Saint Georges, Grasse, France
Some people are just lucky and others like myself have to work hard at it. I’m 33 and I’ve gone on dates with at least a hundred men – most of them never went beyond the first date. Each date lasted 1.5 hours on average. I worked hard at it. I’m a fast typist and could message 10 men in 1 minute (I know some of you are probably faster than me). I’m ordinary-looking. I started becoming overweight in my late 20s. But statistically, when you meet at least 50 men in 1 year, the odds are in your favour. One of them will be the right one. Sure enough, I did meet someone who I’ve been with for a year now. We have been living together since February 2019 and everything is going great. But I had to take a lot of rejection from a lot of men before I met him. You just have to quickly bounce back from each rejection and move on. But it does pay off. I’m sorry to hear that your first husband passed away and the second one was abusive. I hope the next one will be the one.
Post # 7
I met my husband aged 15 & our relationship started from a friendship. We didn’t become a couple until our early 20s and it just happened naturally.
I think some people rush into relationships and dont build a friendship first.
Also they go for the same guy again and again & it doesn’t work. A famous quote from Albert einstein is the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again, but expecting a different result.
I think the best way to meet someone is to go out and enjoy yourself, start hobbies and you’ll meet someone when you’re not looking.
Also stay off tinder. The majority of guys are on it for one thing & it’s dangerous.
Post # 8
I think it’s a combination of luck and other factors, and both are needed.
For example, it was luck that I met my ex. We met abroad, and I was not looking for a relationship. We just met and instantly clicked.
But I think you can also increase your chances. When I broke up with my ex, I didn’t date for a decade. That was not ‘bad luck’, it was because I made zero effort to meet or encourage guys. I could have increased my chances by being active on dating sites, or flirting more, or making more effort to go out (I’m very introverted). But I chose not to, and, unsurprisingly, didn’t meet anyone.
I also think there are things to do with personality which can help or hinder. EG desperation will generally hinder, and confidence help.
Post # 9
I think a lot of it is just luck. However I will say I think you need to be willing to overlook at least a few (minor) flaws and hope that they will do the same for you. Also even though it can be hard, be pro-active, you gotta be in it to win it!
Of course, some people either have far too high standards (standards are good but if your looking for a man-in-a-million the odds are against you) or pick the wrong kind of man and self sabotage over and over again.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard
Luck. Especially for those like myself who are not conventionally attractive. I really only had 3 relationships my entire life and those were only because I was in a place at the “right” time. Had I not been in those places at the exact right time I never would have had a relationship ever. One of those turned out to be terrible for me and I still suffer consequences to this day from it. Another relationship was mixed. He treated me wonderfully but ultimately dumped me and broke my heart. We are still close to this day as friends only. The last relationship and the one that brought me my husband was even more lucky. I am so grateful I found him after the other two times.
Post # 11
When and where you meet that someone is definitely luck. In the whole wide world, you two happen to be at the same place same time, available and looking, that’s luck.
How you meet them and what you do after that which determines the success or failure of that relationship is not luck and fully within your control. If you or they not in a good place emotionally and mentally (eg feeling desperate, depressed, overall negative about life and love etc), it’s likely going to turn the other person off or you end up in a toxic relationship for the wrong reasons. If you or they have unrealistic expectations or twisted views about life and relationships, that too can turn the other person away or lead to a bad relationship. So on and so forth.
Being in a good place and feeling happy by yourself, and knowing what you want puts you in a good starting point. It means that you’ve done everything within your control so that when luck comes your way, you’re ready to catch it.
FWIW I didn’t meet my husband till I was 30 going on 31. Had several relationships before that that didn’t work and on and off online / offline dating about 10 years! At one stage I really could relate to Ted from HIMYM lol and really wished that I had a relationship like Lily and Marshall’s. I knew that’s all fiction then. But turns out my relationship with my husband does sometimes remind me of Lily and Marshall and I feel lucky that’s the case.
I certainly think you have the right attitude, just go on dates and enjoy, no expectations and no bitterness. I had the same attitude and I did genuinely enjoy meeting nice people even if it didn’t turn into anything. I would’ve felt ok if I didn’t meet someone because after the last relationship I knew I’d rather be single and happy than being with the wrong person and being unhappy.
If I met my husband 10 years earlier or even 5 years earlier, without those failed relationships, I know I wouldn’t have appreciated the kind of man he is and what we have, as I do now. I wouldn’t have behaved the same way and I wouldn’t have been as mature. And our relationship might have failed/not progressed to now. So I do believe you meet the right person at the right place and right time for a reason.
Post # 12
I truly do believe that “luck” is when preparation meets opportunity. For all the ladies that say they were lucky to find their person, I’m not so sure. I think they knew themselves and they were prepared to spot the right person for them when their paths eventually crossed. For all those people who never met that right person, how do we know? Maybe they did meet amazing people who would have made excellent partners but they were not prepared to see them at that time and were instead blinded by the flashy, good looking or charismatic one that came along, and turned out to be abusive or just plain wrong.
Ultimately, you shouldn’t beat yourself up. You’re doing the work now to really know yourself and what you deserve in a partner. That is your preparation. Now, you just need to get out there and create the opportunities for yourself to meet that right person. Don’t waste time on losers, or you may be unlucky and miss the right guy when he comes along.
Having said all that, I do think some truly unlucky situations do happen from time to time, and I’m sorry for the loss of your first love.
Post # 13
I met my husband at age 21 and we met online. I had to put myself out there and kiss a few frogs before meeting my prince. However, I also wasn’t sure that he was the one at first and thought he wasn’t for me because he was so different than any guy I had dated previously. I think that a lot of people hurt their chances because they are so picky and think that they have a “type”, so they close themselves off to people that are different than them. I think that opposites can definitely attract and people should try to date different kinds of people, because you never know where it can lead. I have friends that are in a continuous loop, where they always end up in heartbreak, because they always date the same types of guys since that’s what they are attacted to.
Post # 14
I attribute my success in my relationship with my husband to having high standards, being honest and upfront very early on in the relationship to ensure compatibility and shared life goals, and being careful. However, I wouldn’t say I’m “lucky in love,” as I was single until meeting my husband at the age of 26. I would have loved to have met him sooner, but understand that the timing was perfect for us in so many ways. I was single for a long time, trying to make absolutely sure I didn’t marry what I grew up with. Quite honestly, I was a bit paranoid and pessimistic about it.
I do feel blessed to have met him. But I do think that some (not all) struggle in their love life because they want it too badly and are willing to settle for anything as a result.
Post # 15
I think the answer falls into three categories.
The first is luck. Honestly this is how I found my Darling Husband at 20. Before that my friends used to joke about how I would be the one to never get married or would be on my fifth husband at some point. He was my first serious relationship because I was more than happy being single, but we just found eachother.
Second, honestly, some people are settling for their spouse. I can see this with some of my own friends and family. Some of them seem happy to casual observers or on social media but I sadly believe will likely be divorced or in a miserable marriage in ten years.
Third, I absolutely adore my friends, but some of them are single for a reason. Either being a general mess in their lives, having low self-esteem and picking shitty partners, or having some abrasive personality features. I love them to bits, but I would not choose them as a life partner.
I’m so sorry for your loss bee, I wish I could give you a magic answer but honestly I do believe it is generally luck (or fate if that’s something you believe in).