Post # 31
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
Right?! I had so many people in real life tell me I needed to give my SO an ultimatum to propose. Excuse me? Absolutely not. He’ll propose when he’s ready, and if I nag him or give him an ultimatum I’m going to feel like I forced him into that for the rest of our lives. No thank you. People told me I was crazy for not, and that living with him before he proposed would just lead him to never bother because he was getting everything he wanted anyway. He still proposed and I’m not left wondering if it was because I forced him into it.
OP, he’s probably just afraid of making the same mistake again. Why did he get married at 19? Because he was young and dumb and had nothing to lose. Now he’s made mistakes, and has kids, so he’s got a lot to lose now.
Post # 32
Does he know you will be house hunting by yourself starting right now? I would think that would make things pretty clear to him.
Post # 33
How would he HAVE to marry her just because of an ultimatum? He can just not marry her, he doesn’t have to do anything. People break up every day. People move into new places every day. People start dating new people every day.
He’s a full grown adult, there are very very few things he HAS to do no matter what she says or threatens.
Post # 34
Just because the woman is ready doesn’t mean the man is.
Post # 35
Bee, I like your idea. Kudos to you for taking the initiative. I don’t see your situation as giving him an ultimatum. It doesn’t sound like you’re nagging him about it. I see it as simply planning for your needs and best interests to advance your future. It def makes sense to not want to purchase a home with someone or keep living with someone that isn’t sure they see a future with you after many years together.
Post # 36
Thank you! I never considered it an ultimatum either because I’ve never told him that I was leaving him if he didn’t marry me, I just said we will no longer live together and he will no longer have a wife that he hasn’t officially made his wife. We can still be together and be happy and in love, but he has to get his mind right before we can continue living together. I’m sure people are like “why don’t you just leave now?” For one, I’m not even home—I’m working in another state until next month. For 2, he has been very generous to pay ALL the bills while I’m working out of town and he doesn’t deserve to be thrown out on the street. 3rd, I see no reason to leave myself at the moment because I’m not miserable, he’s not abusive or unfaithful and I’m trying to give him the time I discussed with him to show me something (one way or another). It’s not easy to walk away when it’s been a very fulfilling and rewarding relationship, with the exception of him asking me to be his wife. But he KNOWS that when it happens, I don’t want to waste time with a long engagement—I want to be married within a year.
Post # 37
You’re right! He realizes he definitely has a lot more to lose if things don’t work out, but he has seen me at my worst and at my best, so at this point he’s just gotta make it happen. I’ve never told him “do it or I’m gone”, I just said he’s not going to have a wife without officially making me his wife, meaning he will have his own place and I’ll have mine. I’ve been good to him & his kids so I definitely feel I deserve so much more. Hopefully he’ll get his mind right soon. If not, we will just be living separately.
Post # 38
Nice rant, it didn’t make much sense though lol
Post # 39
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
Totally agree. The waiting game is optional. Dh and I discussed when we wanted to get married and then we agreed to and followed that timeline. No waiting required, because I knew what was coming and when.
It isn’t challenging for two people who want to get married to make it happen.
Post # 40
Prepare for him being completely ok with living apart and seeing you casually. Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t come knocking with ring in hand.
Post # 42
I’m relatively new to the concept of waiting. I’m a bit torn about it. I can see how giving a proposal deadline can lead to unwanted engagement and marriage but I also think that adult can’t be forced to propose. If they don’t feel that they want to, they can say that and not propose. I also understand giving yourself an ultimatum that you walk put if there is no proposal by x, but on the other hand I also think it should be communicated. But then we are back to deadlines. The purpose of ‘ultimatum’ is not to force someone into anything but to get the answer and give permission for oneself to move to somewhere and stop what offing and feeling on the edge all the time.
It is very true that sometimes we are not ready at the same time. But the problem is that sometimes you can’t wait for the other person to be ready. It could be years, it could be never. You can’t put your own life on hold forever because another person isn’t ready. Marriage means different thing for different people. I think I read here or somewhere else comparing waiting to applying for a job. You keep interviewing and interning for a position and the boss keeps saying that they still need to think before hiring. You will eventually make alternative plans.
The older I get, the more I understand the importance of timing. Problem is that feelings get in the way of things!
Post # 43
It really is a Catch 22–damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I’ve said before that I don’t consider it an ultimatum because I’m not saying “either do it or I’m leaving”, I just said we will no longer be living together. If he doesn’t want to be married, there is literally nothing I can say or do that will change that. I can cry, threaten, leave or be patient & quiet and it will not change a thing about whatever his true intentions are. I have friends who stayed in relationships for the same amount of time or longer and were VERY patient, NEVER pushing the issue of marriage (but still expected and hoped for it) only to be left in the end. My man is extremely stubborn and will not cave if he does not want to on ANYTHING. But you’re right, you can’t put your life on hold for another person, which is why I said I’m moving forward with buying my house and he can stay right where he is if he doesn’t want to commit.
Post # 44
Because the proposal is the last time he’ll get to be involved in the wedding process!! (this is said in total sarcasm by the way……)
They seem to be under the impression that the second we get the ring on our fingers, we all turn into Bridezillas who won’t let them have a say in the wedding. I see this argument a lot. It’s ridiculous.
Also the societal pressure on men to produce the most wonderful, surprise, perfect, shocked lady proposal complete with roses and champagne and flying fucking unicorns.
Post # 45
With all due respect, it’s unpopular because it’s such a copout. Why do we (the waiting bees) have to do MORE work and emotional labor to get someone to marry us? We need to make men work harder not work less. I’m not currently waiting, I actually dumped my SO because he didn’t propose, but in my next relationship, fuck no am I pulling the cart by myself. He can do the work too. He can propose, he can show me he’s committed. I’m not doing shit that isn’t reciprocated.