Why do we argue so much more in an LDR? (sad, vent)

posted 5 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 17
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

We had the opposite experience in our LDR. We never argued or fought. In the 10 months we were LDR, we had exactly one arguement and it was over something I said that just didn’t come out right.  Like @liliwo2016:  we would sometimes have phone marathons where we didn’t really talk about anything, and just went about our day “together.”  

Being apart for so much of the early stages of our relationship gave us a HUGE appreciation for how special our time together was, even if it was time together on the phone instead of in person.

It really is hard to be apart from the one you love, but you have to approach it as something that makes the together-time better, and learn not to sweat the small stuff. If you don’t develop a deep appreciation of each other at this stage, it’s going to be very hard to transition to living under the same roof one day.

For those in LDR who have a lot of conflict, bickering, or fighting, my advice would be to speak openly with your SO about your communication styles, and your expectations of the quality of the time you spend together. You both have to be on the same page as to what kinds of interactions are important to you while you’re apart (it’ll never work if one expects a two-hour phone call each night before bed while the other expects a quick “how was your day— good night” kind of thing), and set some boundaries on how you will resolve conflicts when they do arise.

Post # 18
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is it lack of sex (since you guys physically can’t be together)? I know that’s when we start fighting about stupid stuff. If is, there might be ways to, ahem, spice up your phone calls and/or skype sessions. It’s not the same, but it might make you feel closer and more intimate with each other.

Post # 19
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I never had this problem when we were long distance BUT I can tell you it’s very common during deployments.  I think it’s because when they aren’t right there with you, you don’t have the emotional connection and end up saying things you’d never say to their face.  Especially if it’s petty stuff – think about it, if you see his face and remember how much you love him, you’re more likely to let it roll off your back.

Post # 20
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

My FI and I were very long distance for two years, when I had to move back to Oregon and he was still in England. That was early in our relationship and we argued loads. We also broke up and then got back together several times. It felt like it was constantly full of drama. We’ve also lived about an hour away from one another for two years, which isn’t massive but does make it difficult to have a normal relationship in the week. Now we live together in England but  he frequently works away and is currently abroad for what will be a total of about 12 weeks.

Sometimes we struggle to find things to talk about because we don’t have shared experiences. So, where we’d normally watch TV together or share something we’re reading or whatever, we can’t do that. I try to think of things throughout my day that I want to share with him later, whether it’s a current event or something funny that happened. That kind of minutiae is what relationships are made of! 

I also find that, when my FI is working away, his hours are longer and his job is more demanding and stressful than usual. I encourage him to tell me about his challenges. Like you, I often don’t understand the specifics, but I try to figure out what the bigger issue is. Is he frustrated with a colleague, does he feel like the expectations in the timeline are unrealistic, or haa he made an error that he’s worreid about? That’s what I focus on and try to help with, if he’s looking for my help.

i think I used to feel bad for myself because he was away, so I felt like I was the one who was suffering. But in truth, I get to stay at home, near our friends and all our usual comforts, with loads less pressure than he has. I’ve taught myself to be much more forgiving about little things.

LDRs are absolutely awful and I hate my FI being away, so you have my full sympathy! One other thing we do is say I love you frequently. We say it far more than we would if we were together, probably because we aren’t able to be physically affectionate. 

Post # 21
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

We are both non-confrontational people so we don’t fight or argue but I totally feel you on the running out of things to say! What helps me is to come up with something in the news or come up with questions to ask him about his life, his family, etc before we talk so I have something to pull out if the conversation lags. It doesn’t always work but it helps…we’ve had lagging conversations turn into wonderful, two hour conversations I don’t want to end.

My biggest problem is that I’m not a big talker but I feel all this pressure to be so and when we have nothing to talk about, I panic and think he must think I’m boring or that we’re not compatible. And when we’re on skype and he gets distracted reading email, I feel rejected. I do feel OK when we have an agree-upon “non-talking” skype date where we have our cameras on and we’re both working on our own things. We can still make comments, etc but there’s not an expectation for continuous conversation. That takes pressue off (and also helps me get stuff done!)

Post # 22
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Paiger8:  I am in a LDR. Some nights are just not meant for long phone conversations and I burn out far more easily than my fiance does. He is more of a talker than I am anyway. It helps knowing he doesn’t get upset over silences, etc, at the end of the day, we are not always “on”

Post # 23
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Paiger8:  hehe thanks 🙂  Yeah give Skype another try, it’s totally worth the effort for us.  You’re lucky you can eat dinner with your SO on skype, if my FI and I eat on skype the noise from chewing in each others ears drives us nuts!  lol  We both share that particualr pet peeve and use heatsets though so the mics are right next to our mouths and emphasize the noise.  One of us might eat on skype occasionally, but only if we’re super busy and it’s either that or not talk (8 hour time difference at the moment).

Post # 24
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

We tend to argue on the days when we have to part ways again (the stress gets to us both). It sucks, ’cause we really try to make the most of the time we have together, and both of us always feel horribly guilty for fighting on the last day together, but sometimes it just happens.

Just try to be cognisant of your stress level & what’s REALLY stressing you out. Tone, etc. on the phone is crucial as well.

Post # 25
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Oh my, I hear all of you! I am in with my boyfriend over a year and a half now and we have been in a LDR about a year now. And we started to fight A LOT lately. And about just stupid and little stuffs. I notice that it is also me from time to time that make a huge deal out of things but I can’t help it. For some reason I feel over irritated for things which I would normally let go already.

We try to see each other at least once a month and we Skype almost everyday for hours depending on the day. We didn’t use to fight a lot when we saw each other. But lately our fights even exceed our skype sessions and we start bickering about stupid stuffs on our very short weekends together.

I am starting to think if we are arguing this much because finding smt to talk about is harder now that we know everything there is to know about each other and we can’t ceate new memories together ? At the end, arguing is also a way to communicate. I am just thinking out loud.

Post # 26
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

I haven’t read all the posts so please disregard this if it’s been mentioned, but have you thought about maybe not talking every night and just sending short but sweets throughout the day to check up on each other? Maybe the reason why you fight so much is because there is nothing to talk about so I’m wondering if you left it to every couple of days you would have something to talk about? Either way, it’s sucks to hear you’re struggling. *hugs*

Post # 28
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I understand. I’m 5+years ldr. We only get to see eachother every 6 months. Its because communicating long distance sucks, and it’s really hard to deal with being apart. You should try to fill your time still doing things together. I would reccomend talking via a video chatting app instead of on the phone. Because at least if there’s a lul you can make faces and other more natural things. 

Try doing things together as well, watching netflix, playing games, things like that. My FI and I do things appart but together. So we will sit on skype together but I’ll be doing crafts and he will be playing video games and things like that. For us it feels more natural and gives us the chance to start conversations naturally about the things we’re doing. 

Post # 29
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Help.

My FI and I are arguing alot and sometimes run out of things to say.  LDR now for 2yrs. it’s frusting. Sometimes he says I will call you back and doesn’t call back. I am getting frustrated and pretty tired. Sometimes he seems interested in the wedding plans and sometimes he doesn’t even want to hear it. Is he giving up on us?

Post # 30
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Esplanade Lakes Ballroom, Downers Grove IL

Paiger8 :  My boyfriend is in the Aerospace and robotics industry too! hahaha I can totally relate to your jargon woes. Except for me, it’s the opposite. My SO is not much of a talker, so it’s usually me who goes on and on about something I’m passionate about (I’m an urban planner – we tend to be passionate about a lot of societal things, most of which SO does not care about or think about all that much). And it’s usually me who gets annoyed at the end of a long conversation to which he has nothing to contribute 😛 So now I try asking him more about what he does, even if most of it goes over my head.

PS – definitely had the judgemental iPhone vs. Android coverstaion too! haha. He ended up getting an iPhone 1 year into our relationship and now loves it ;p

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