(Closed) Why do WE have to wait?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think it’s all based on your perspective. If you don’t care about social “norms” or what the “neighbors might think” then don’t be a caged animal – and ask him to marry you.


Most of us buy into the concept of being proposed to by our men because we believe that if HE asks us then HE is truly ready and not being pushed into marriage. Or maybe I am just speaking for myself……….but that’s my reason for waiting 🙂

Post # 4
957 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, I think it is to a woman’s advantage to wait (instead of ask) because we don’t want to end up with a resentful man. its better for a man to know he married because that was what HE wanted. I think we would not like to be abandoned with a child just because the man finally acknowledges he wasn’t ready for commitment. 

The benefits men have from marriage are different from the ones women receive. It has been noted that married men have it easier than single men. Ironically the opposite is often true for women.  I know what I’ve said sounds like an oxymoron 🙁

Post # 5
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You don’t HAVE to wait. You can have a conversation, ask him to marry you or decide together, and if he says no, do what he would do if you said no to him…. leave. Move on.

Post # 6
256 posts
Helper bee

waiting… just…well sucks

Post # 7
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m waiting because of a couple of reasons.

1. I proposed to my first husband. Considering he’s my first husband, we can see how well that turned out.

2. I heavily suggested that my current SO should marry me, and then outright said we should marry. He told me that it wasn’t my place to ask such a question, and that when the time was right, he would ask.

3. He bought the ring, and wants to have his ducks in a row before asking. He doesn’t see it as a loss of anything, but he does see the need to provide for me, despite the fact that I make more than he does and provide for myself quite well.

It’s something that’s ingrained. Both in society and a lot of people. One of the first questions that is generally asked is ‘how did he propose?’ Honestly, I’m fine if he just hands me the ring and doesn’t say anything flowery or anything. The ring is a symbol, and the wait is something that has to happen.

Post # 8
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

i hate the sexist standard. i feel like if a woman wants to ask then she should but I always feel like in this world society looks down upon that. i’m hoping that this tradition slowly falls away. 

Post # 9
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I agree, OP. It’s all in the language used…”settling down,” etc. It makes it seem like all women do is sit around and wait for a proposal while men decide whether or not we are worthy of one. 


I feel very lucky because my fiance and I discussed marriage, what we both wanted out of life, etc, very early on in the relationship. at 28, I knew I wanted to be married within the next few years. So had he expressed hesitation about it, I wouldn’t have dated him. 


That said, I always felt it was a joint decision and that we both want the same things. I think things are slowly changing, but there are still so many examples of women sitting around waiting and not knowing if their BF is going to propose. 

Post # 10
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Good Question !!

As an Older Bee and someone who is an Encore Bride… I’ve seen a lot of this over the decades.

I find it really sad to read many of the posts here on the WAITING BOARD that would look like / sound like what things were like when I was “waiting” for a proposal back in my Uni days from my then soon to be First Husband (married circa 1980)

Ya 30+ years later, and not a lot of stuff “appears” to have changed

BUT that isn’t the reality

The reality is woman’s role in society has improved greatly

We have way more opportunity now that we did when I was in my 20s

The Glass Ceiling is gone entirely

There is wage equity

We have more guaranteed rights in society (such as you can’t lose your job just because you choose to have a baby)

We now can take charge of our own lives and make choices about our sexuality for example and not be judged for it, or be known as a SLUT cause WE CHOOSE to have sex before Marriage

(Or choose to have Sex with more Partners than just the one we marry)

We can date whomever we please…

So why are women still pining after a Proposal much as I was perhaps some 30+ years ago as I was preparing to Graduate from Uni and hoping that the man I’d been dating 3 long years would step forward with a plan for the 2 of us to spend the rest of our lives together, vs break up and his ride off into the sunlight towards some new career in another city ???

WHY ???



We don’t take charge.  We don’t “date like a man” **

We let our emotions get the better of us

We get too invoved too fast

We get all emotional vs having the common sense to date with our heads

(Sad because as women of this time we are a LOT MORE EDUATED / KNOWLEDGEABLE than the women of the same age were a few decades ago)


When one Steps up the Game and demands respect (and repects ourselves) then others naturally follow suit

This isn’t all LOW SELF-ESTEEM

As might be professed here at times on the WBEE WAITING BOARD

And what many assume it to be

It is the FACT that as Women no one has told us we HAVE THE POWER to change the situation SOLELY by TAKING THE POWER BACK, and thinking better of ourselves

And doing some reading / research to fully understand HOW MEN THINK

Men are pretty basic creatures (we are the complicated ones)

If you understand what makes them tick, then you can know how to not be put in a situation (a situation essentially WE PUT OURSELVES IN where we have no power in the relationship)

This is what having a LIFE PLAN and a LIFE TALK is all about


The Man then is either on side… or he’s not on side.  You know up front.  You don’t waste your time WAITING to see what he’ll decide

And guess what…

When women TAKE THE POWER BACK and become strong & self confident, then MEN NOTICE

MEN GET ON SIDE.  Cause they don’t want to be left out.

Women up themselves (BONUS)… and at the same time they up the MEN too (BETTER BONUS)

Ladies that is the secret



And he (they) will come running. 


Post # 11
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

** DATING LIKE A MAN (as referenced above)

A Man Dates in one of two ways.

They Date to play… they date to be entertained, or get laid.  They date for convenience.  To have someone do for them.  They are basic & lazy (I said this above).  They will date a girl who fulfills a lot of needs for them (sex, food, housekeeping, etc) because it is easy, it is comfortable.  Men get complacent, they can continue to date this way for a very long time.  Cause it is so easy.  More so if the gal is smart, looks good, or brings other things into the relationship… money, furniture, car etc.

Men hate break ups in some ways even more than us gals.  They hate it because it means they are vulnerable particularly so if it means they have to present when a woman cries (they HATE that).  Which is why men will try break up in someway that they don’t have to witness it (the post it break up ala Sex in the City)… or in a public place where they can make a quick escape from.

Breaking up and being alone, makes them vulnerable also because they have to get back out there and date again, and go thru the possibility of rejection (Women rarely get turned down for sex, for men it happens a lot).  It hurts their egos.  They trade that vulnerable spot for easy sex when they can get it… which is EXACTLY WHY that when a gal breaks up with a guy, most guys will almost immediately go out and get laid.  That old saying… the easiest way to get over a girl, is to get under / on top of another one !!

The second way a man dates… is to look for a serious relationship.  When a man is in that psyche he has a whole different pattern of how he relates to himself and how he presents himself and relates to women.

The trick for women is to recognize the difference between Dating for Play, and Dating for Love.  And knowing the difference.

A Man Dating to Play… may or may not be ready to move from that mindset to one Dating for Love.  It is up to the woman to vet the situation and determine what it is.

That isn’t to say that a Man Dating to Play cannot be persuaded eventually to Date for Love with the same woman, but it will be more work… for the woman to achieve.

That secret can be figured out in how the Woman reacts to this Dating to Play Man right from the beginning.  IF he had a good time, he may very well call her back… but it is up to her to move his mindset from Booty Call to WOW this girl is interesting, I really want to see her again.

If a woman doesn’t manage that right from the get go… she will eternally be “the Booty Call” no matter what she does … see first paragraph above in regards to sex, food, housekeeping, and men who are lazy & comfortable.

Most women like myself, who are self confident, and have figured out how men think… consequently don’t date the guys who are Dating to Play… we determine that early (conversation / questions asked) and move on

A Man Dating for Love, is a great thing.  But it doesn’t mean that every man naturally is a match for every woman… which is WHY it is important that women know themselves and what they want out of Life… their LIFE PLAN and when dating someone new aren’t shy to ask a lot of Questions so as to determine if the man sitting across from them at Coffee / Dinner meets up on the areas of life that are important to her

In summary…

IF MARRIAGE is important, then a gal needs face that in her self… and plan her Dating Life accordingly.  She won’t be wasting her time by dating the wrong types of guys… or finding herself years later wondering WHY OH WHY hasn’t this happened yet… the difference is what I call FISHING IN THE RIGHT POND

Lol, likewise if religion, education, or money are important qualities for a gal in the man she wishes to marry, then she needs to direct her attention to PONDS that are more populated by those particular men.

It isn’t rocket science… Dating really includes a whole lot of common sense

Unfortunately, many women (and men) don’t implement that element when looking for a life partner.

And end up with what they end up with.


Post # 12
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I would really hate to officially propose… that’s just me! I’ve jokingly done it before though.

To avoid all of this, you can just ask your parents to arrange your marriage. The culture surrounding engagements and weddings are different all over the world.

Why don’t the bride wait at the top of the alter as the groom walk in with his mom?? I know!! It’s because all of this is based on certain history and traditions but it is completely up to you to choose which you would like to follow.

Thinking of it, I’d love to attend a wedding where the bride waits at the alter!

Post # 13
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Schrodingers-Car:  There are all kinds of people, and all kinds of relationships.  Many of them involve situations such as the one you’re describing, but many do not.

I think it all boils down to whether or not the participants in a relationship share the same expectations regarding how they think a relationship should unfold and progress.  If two people have very different understandings of these matters and different goals, I think that is what leads to frustration on the part of one or both people. 

In my relationship, both my DH and I were interested only in dating relationships that seemed to have a good chance of leading to marriage. By that point in our lives, neither of us saw any point whatsoever in even starting to date someone whom we could not marry or would not want to marry, for whatever reason. 

In our case, the number one priority for both of us was finding someone who shared our faith.  The other person had to love and be committed to God more than he or she loved and would be committed to us.  My DH needed to marry someone who would be willing to relocate to his state and take on the additional roles of stepmother and pastor’s wife. We both knew we could only date someone with whom we felt a deep connection spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically. However, neither of us believes in living together before marriage or in having sex outside of a marriage relationship. To us, those activities were not legitimately available options until after we were married, so we never faced disagreements about the sequencing or significance of these particular milestones.

When couples disagree on all of these important matters, at least one person usually ends up feeling very frustrated, taken advantage of, and at the mercy of the other person’s timeline and decisions.


Post # 14
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I share this opinion in relation to waiting for a child. We have to wait to ensure the man does not become resentful for being “pushed” into fatherhood. But a yearning woman can just as easily become resentful for waiting years to have a child 

Post # 15
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

My SO and I like to think of ourselves as traditional w/a twist lol. Very Christian very Baptist very Caribbean upbringing and I love them for it but as I’ve grown (independently & realtionship wise…dating SO since I was 16) we both saw things we wanted not just what was taught to us. Yes he will be asking and I woud never propose, but we both have talked about gettign married and there hasn’t never been a true rush I knew I wanted to marry him and told him the day he ready to take it to that step just know I’m ready but I wasn’t pushing or wondering “whats takign him so long. WE both talked about the e ring and he really wanted my input and we went ring shopping someting very uncommon over here. We both decided we wanted to wait until marriage to move in together. However if it was nolong just us and a child was invovled married or not we would want them to grow up with both parents under one roof. I give props for those that “take matters into their own hands” I can appreciate it because I agree with if you see what you want go for it. It has alot to do with history and how there are a few thigns that just “seems” like “the way it suppose to go” with that along with a more traditional upbringing for women waiting for a proposal seems natural in a way. 

Post # 16
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Schrodingers-Car:  I agree with you. For me, marriage boils down to two adults deciding to spend their lives together as equal partners. It’s essential that both partners feel they can discuss the future without playing games, otherwise what’s the point? Both end up resentful. When my fiance and I were thinking about marriage, we discussed it honestly and openly. Luckly we were on the same page, and when he proposed we had already decided that marriage was a good next step for us. We’ve been dating on and off for eight years – and when we got back together after a two year break, both of us kind of decided that if we got back together, it would be permanent (although we did break up again a year later – a story for another day…! Perhaps I’m not the best person to ask, lol).

The point I’m making I guess is, rather than wait around for your partner to commit, it’s best to have an honest discussion with them. You’re choosing a life partner and so are they, so anything less than honest communication is doing both of you a disservice. I did want him to propose rather than me, but that’s simply because the last time we broke up he initiated it (the first time we broke up it was me- he wanted to settle down and I didn’t). He has told me since that he proposed partially to reassure me that he was serious about us. In a different situation, I might have proposed to him.

I don’t agree that men and women are fundamentally different. We’re all human beings with the same hopes and dreams and desires.

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