(Closed) Why do we tiptoe around men? Just wondering..

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
5786 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
cherryiice:  I think we have lots in common on our waiting experience- and I think it’s exactly because of what you said- such a weird balance of power. It just goes against the grain of being equal partners in all else.

Post # 92
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

View original reply
TheQuickBride:  I always find it interesting when men won’t commit and soon after they’re dumped, they get married to someone else.

Post # 93
Member
2690 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
stefzbee:  That’s usually because they are waiting out for something “better” to come along…

OR

Because the first girl they just never thought was the one for them… truestory.com!

Post # 94
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with PPs in that most of the women who are “waiting” on this board have already had open discussions with their SOs. 

According to my SO, discussing marriage and the like these past few months put so much pressure on him/us that we almost broke up. And do I regret it? Nope. We were on VERY different pages and I would never have known that if I wouldn’t have brought the subject up. I’m living abroad for the sake of this relationship and knowing he wasn’t ready has freed me to pursue my own decisions.

I’m all for talking about it.    

Post # 95
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
stefzbee:  Yup, it just confirms for me that he was wasting my time and his own.

Post # 96
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

View original reply
juliaGG:  I like you! I wrote a lot about this topic on these boards. Where I come from, there is no proposals… both partners just talk about marriage and eventually decide to get married (or to to live in common-law relationship) and that’s it! Done! My friends from home are generally not married and those who are are wearing a very simple (and inexpensive) ring.

And the wedding is usually very simple, no bridal parties, no gift registries, no formal dinners, etc etc etc.

I married a man who came from the background you described (proposals and big weddings), so we had to to a LOT of talking and compomising!!

Post # 99
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

View original reply
juliaGG:  I think the ring can be a point of stress as well! It’s a lot of societal pressure to buy a nice e-ring, and that could be thousands of dollars depending on gemstone, quality, and size. Looking at many of the rings on the bee, if I were a man, I would be overwhelmed lol! I don’t know anyone IRL with a $20k ring, so seeing them on the bee made me more sympathetic toward men. My ring was about 1/3 of that and I thought that was pricey.

Post # 100
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Blue Hound Farm

View original reply
RobbieAndJuliahaha:  yes, it was awful feeling like I had no control. I remember trying to explain it to my SO once when he was annoyed with me bringing it up. I asked him what he would do if he wanted something more than anything else in his life, a certain career goal for example. Wouldn’t he go after it, pursue it until he was successful? And what if there was nothing he could do, that whether he was able to get this certain thing was entirely in the hands of someone else. How awful would that feel. Idk if my analogy made any sense to him at the time, bit it’s a very apt description of how I felt

Post # 101
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Blue Hound Farm

View original reply
juliaGG:  yes, my SO had definitely built up the ring and wedding planning in his mind to some super expensive, time consuming thing. Days before he suggested we start ring shopping, I asked him how much he thought a ring would cost and he thought he was going to have to spend 4-5k. I told him, that while I would love that, I absolutely didn’t need it and that less than half that would suit me just fine. I also told him I’d handle the planning, which is fine by me, cuz I’m a total control freak anyway lol

Post # 103
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

View original reply
juliaGG:  You said: “If I told my girlfriends about someone who I loved and who had professed repeatedly that they wanted to marry me, he’d be seen as so sweet and romantic and I’d probably get a lot of, “Just say YES” reactions. On the other hand, women are seen as “psycho” and “nagging”.”

SOOO true! When I decided I wanted me and my now husband to talk marriage, we had been together for 2 years, I was 37 (but he was younger, I admit) and I had moved out of my apartment to live with him in his condo, where my name was nowhere (not on the property, not on the internet and utilities bill, I didn’t exist in this place).

I told him that in those circumstances, we needed to get married if we were going to have a life together (on top of everything, both our families were thousands of kilometres away, in opposite direction lol). So it was the two of us. Well, he started hesitating because in his head, he would “propose” (remember that where I come from, there is no proposals, just discussions) at a later date that would be in about six months, and not before. But he told me he knew he wanted to spend his life with me. But that he could not tell me before six months. He had a secure job, all bills paid, no mortgage, etc. And I told him I was going to sign a prenup so I wouldn’t get anything he had before we got married.

As the months passed, I became resentful and I felt my life was on hold. I wanted to talk about all these things and the legal aspects of getting married, but his plan was to propose and surprise me when he was ready, a concept that is completely baffling to me. I don’t appreciate being told out of the blue that I am being granted the honor of being judged worthy of being a wife lol. So anyway, I wanted to talk with him about that, but he thought we were not supposed to talk about it to make it a surprise! Omg, I lost my sh!t!! The ironic thing is that his (male) friend came to talk to me about how I was pressuring my BF by wanting to talk about it, etc (My Boyfriend or Best Friend had not talk to him, but my good (female) friend was dating him and told him I was frustrated). Anyway, I told my Boyfriend or Best Friend what happened and I said that if roles had been reversed, and that he moved in my condo, lived with me, loved me and had asked me to marry him, and I had said that I might say yes in six months, his friend would still have come to talk to me, telling me how insensitive I was to keep that poor guy on hold while he moved in with me and wanted to marry me!!!! 

So yeah, totally understand your example!

Post # 104
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

View original reply
Taiki:  Where I come from, that is exactly the situation: proposals don’t exist. We have discussions. Period. No ring, no secrets, no decision made one one side only and annouced to the other party as a surprise (I still cannot understand that concept), just a conversation that lasts as long as it needs to and then the wedding.

Of course, some guys do propose because they have seen movies or it is something they find fun to do (my brother proposed to his Girlfriend years ago in front of both families), but that is not the norm. Everyone was really surprised haha! But I’m sure my brother and his Girlfriend had talked about marriage before.

Anyway, a lot less drama when there is no proposals (also, we have much smaller weddings, no sitting dinners and NO bridal parties, which means practically no drama haha!)

The topic ‘Why do we tiptoe around men? Just wondering..’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors