(Closed) Why do we tiptoe around men? Just wondering..

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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thegrandinquisitor:  Eastern Canada, from an island that belongs to Quebec. The situation I’m describing prevails on my island (although we are not geographically part of Quebec) and in the province of Quebec (well, as far as my exended (huge) family and friends are concerned). I live in Ontario now, and my husband is from Canada’s West coast. So at our wedding, his side (English Canadians) thought it was a small but very inviting wedding, and for my side (French speaking), it was a big wedding, because we had tons of food (local goods on tables, not a sitting dinner, but random tables and sofas with where people could sit and eat where they wanted), we provided the alcool, etc. 

Where I’m from, after the ceremony, everyone gathers in a community room where we eat homemade or catered goodies and danse on CDs or a small band play fiddle and guitar. It is lots of fun, very low key. No bridal parties, no sitting dinner, no assign seats, no “center pieces”, not even formal invitations if you don’t want to (we just ask people to come or send an invitation by internet). 

Oh and in Quebec, since a few years, women are not even allowed anymore to take their husband’s last name when they marry. If they wish to do so, they have to go through a legal change of name (the whole thing). My mom has been married to my dad for 41 years and kept her last name. My grandmothers, on both sides, started to sign their maiden names or both names in the 80s.

You can imagine how weird it was for me when my husband and I started to talk about getting married and I found out I was supposed to go through a proposal and all that stuff! It was hard to convince him to have the “reception” (more like a party) in the party room of our condo building, but he loved the low cost and we compromised a lot (we offered food and alcool, etc). 

We also had a “no gift” wedding for many reasons. His side were baffled at first, but they eventually abide by that haha!

Post # 108
Member
1991 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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juliaGG:  we women give away our own power. I think a great deal of the time it’s a sense of a lack of self worth. So many women settle for living together when they really want marriage. They move in, move cross country, buy houses, sometimes even have children, while allowing themselves to remain in limbo (years & years) making excuses for the guy’s lack of interest in marrying them (ala the movie:”He’s Just Not That Into You”) but dreaming about a fairytale proposal.    

I agree with you 100%.

Post # 109
Hostess
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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juliaGG:  I think the issue here is that most women think that being up front or reminding someone now and again is “NAGGING”….ummm nope…it’s not nagging, nagging is when you harp on someone over and over again…and usually that’s a personality traite, something one does for everything not just for mairrage. 

I agree WITH YOU 100%…women need to be FULLY upfront about what they want…tbh the real reason why we date should be to find out if we’re compatible with someone to stick with for the long haul…compatibility has many facets such as personality, character, faith/belifs , openessm and most impoantly goals! GOALS in life have to line up…and if the goals and paths of 2 people’s lives don’t line up…like the chick wants to have a family and be married by 30 but the guy could wait till he’s 40…then they may have feelings for each other and love each other..but they are not compatible at all….

Speaking of LOVE…that’s the other issue…most of us believe love is a feeling and if it’s true it will stay…but that also blinds us from making a smart informed decison on who we are contracting ourselves to for life  

all in all….girls should stand up and say something..and if the guy doens’t like it then there’s better out there….can’t be held back by fear of not finding that compatible person

 

 

Post # 111
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

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juliaGG: Yep. Nagging is very not okay. Obviously I am too cool to nag , I just voice an opinion (sometimes more than once if it doesn’t seem to have got through) Anglophone cultures have been quite anti-“women with opinions that aren’t popular” http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scold's_bridle 

Post # 112
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

The “waiting” concept is so interesting and so different depending on the relationship. The other day it dawned on me that the only reason I’m waiting is because I want a ring and a proposal. I brought up marriage. He thought about it. He says we should be engaged by the end of the summer. Our families know. We are making plans for a move. So what makes us not engaged?

And yet I feel the anxiety creeping in because, whether I DECIDED to believe it or not, he is somehow supposed to pick me all on his own and do this grand gesture to have me. The messaging is everywhere- this messageboard (of course!), commercials, co-workers, close friends, family, work!, etc. The other night I kept asking questions about the engagement and he says to me, “What are you getting at? You don’t think I mean what I say?”

Some posters touched on this- but this is also a two way street. We don’t expect men to talk about tough subjects openly. We expect them to be defensive or want everything without having to ‘pay’ for it. I don’t think that’s true for most men I know. But I also think that some of them don’t realize the way their actions send those messages to their partners.

 

Post # 113
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

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juliaGG:  This is one of the ways I knew my Fiance was “the one.” I only had one serious relationship before I met Fiance, and in that relationship I would completely tiptoe around my ex’s needs and be afraid to call him out on anything because I thought he would dump me if I was pushy. I didn’t get my emotional needs met and I was unhappy and always scared of breaking up for the four years we were together. He would also get really touchy whenever the subject of our future came up.

With Fiance, I never felt uncomfortable talking to him about what I needed and was hoping to get from the relationship. I’m confident and secure in his love for me, and I never worried about him dumping me because I “pressured” him about marriage (and for the record, I don’t think a woman is “pressuring” her SO when she tells him she hopes to get married and have a family with him – there’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, and if the man isn’t on board, he needs to let her go so she can find someone who is).

Based on my experience, I think that if a woman is worried her SO will leave her for bringing up marriage, or bringing up any other potentially touchy subject for that matter, she’s not with the right man. The right man will want to make her happy, within reason of course, and will be on board with getting married, even if it’s not in the immediate or near future. He will never make her feel like she’s being pushy or asking too much for expressing her needs and wants.

Post # 115
Hostess
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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juliaGG:  LMAO….that’s interesting. 

 

WHAT’s more interesting is this defiition of nagging…..

nag·ging ˈnaɡiNG/ (of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something.

 

If I took this definition for the literal meaning, my first thought are not women…but MEN!!! You know the men that never take no from their sexual advances for a answer…MAN are naggy …

 

 

Post # 116
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I took matters into my own hands and proposed to Fiance after having had conversations about our future and marriage. TBH I think he was kinda relieved lol! And our families were like WTF? (I got it from my mom, she proposed to my stepdad on Leap Day like a decade ago.) Where we’re from (Sweden), it’s more and more common to have a mutual conversation and then start planning a wedding. My cousin’s bf proposed to her in the French Alps a couple weeks ago, it was an elaborate, carefully planned proposal, and we all were like WTF, that was romantic but kinda weird etc.

So I’ve never had to tiptoe around my Fiance per see, but I have to admit that it felt like a touchy and a little scary subject beforehand, and I wonder where those feelings stem from. Maybe it’s because society tells us that men are supposed to be scared of marriage (making a VERY general generalisation here). I remember an episode of Say Yes to the Dress where a bride brought her Fiance along for her appointment, and the consultant asked him what he would like to see her in on their wedding day, and he jokingly responded “something hot enough to help me come to terms with what the hell I’m getting myself into” or something along those lines. I suspect that there was a grain of truth in it lol.

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