Post # 1
I see it over and over again: women defending their abusers and staying in toxic relationships when they really don’t have to. I’ve noticed on here and FB, there is always a post by someone complaining about how horribly they’re being treated by a man. They explain all of the symptoms of emotional abuse, then, when everyone is like, “Wow, that’s a red flag, you need to get out!” The poster comes back on the defensive. “Oh, he’s really not that bad!” or, “Well, it was my fault that time, I shouldn’t have upset him like that.” Really? Do you really have such low self-esteem that you have to defend/take blame for someone treating you like dirt? Stop!
My old high school friend has been in one of the most toxic relationships known to man since she was 16. This guy has ran her through the dirt for six years, yet she keeps crawling back to him, time after time. It’s like she feels she isn’t worth anything without him, and has even said that before! He will get up and leave while she’s at work and disappear for days and weeks at a time with no word. Usually, he’ll be off with a girl or some people doing drugs. During that time, my friend will post on FB about how she’s done with him and she can do it all on her own. Then, when the guy decides he wants to come home to her, she does a complete turn around. Her favorite excuse for taking him back time after time is that they “have a kid together”. That is such a classic, bs excuse. I thank the Lord above that my mother had enough common sense to realize that just because her abuser was my father, she didn’t have to stay with him to give me a good life. In fact, she gave me a good life by leaving him and I have always been thankful for that. I’ve never resented her for it.
It just disgusts me so much to see women reducing their value to nothing. I guess because I was raised by a strong woman who really did do it on her own, without a man. If a man did treat her wrong, she kicked him on his ass and never looked back. I think a lot of women need a wake up call. You don’t NEED a man. Especially not one who is treating you like garbage. Even if you have a kid with him, he may not be right for you. Any two people with properly functioning reproductive organs can create a living being. That doesn’t mean they need to be together.
If someone is making you cry and/or hate your life by controlling you and belittling you, it’s time to kiss his ass goodbye! Don’t defend those actions and don’t blame yourself for being treated that way!
Post # 3
@Pinksapphire: I know someone like this. It drove me nuts because when we were still living near them she’d beg my Fiance to come over and talk to her bf and keep him away from her. She’d be constantly calling him up in tears because they’d be fighting and he’d hit her. But if you ever mentioned her leaving she’d get super angry at you and never talk to you again.
The worst thing is that she was trying to get pregnant and last I heard, she actually was. If it’d made a difference I would’ve told her that a baby is not going to make it better. I’m still totally angry at her for bringing a baby into a relationship like that.
Don’t women know they’re worth more than that?
Post # 4
“Do you really have such low self-esteem that you have to defend/take blame for someone treating you like dirt?”
Yes. That is what abusers do. They steal your self esteem and make you feel like no one else will ever want you because you are worth nothing. They make you feel as though you can’t leave because you won’t be able to survive on your own. And for many abusive relationships, it doesn’t end when the relationship does, and sometimes it gets worse. In addition to that, women stay in the relationship because they’re still in love with the person who treated them well in the beginning, and there is hope that that person can come back.
It is wonderful that your mother was able to get out of an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, not everyone has that option or strength. Yes, it is horrible when people are in abusive relationships. And it is very easy for friends to assume that the simple solution is to leave. And if I’m being honest, saying things like her actions “disgust you” or “I’m still totally angry at her” are not going to help build her self esteem.
Post # 5
i think its two fold, initially its a level of immaturity at first that allows the on and off drama like high school but then it risks becoming emotional abuse – if you tell someone they are useless and deserve what is happening to them or that she cant trust anyone else but him long enough they start to believe it.
also some men are twisted enough to search for emotionally weak women to control and they do it so subtly at first there are no red flags until the woman finds themselves isolated that they have no support/safe place/way out of the relationship so they stay
Post # 7
It really is so sad… I’ve seen relationships like this in real life, and no matter how many times their boyfriend cheats lies, breaks up with them, etc, they always go back and decide that everyone else is wrong.
I see that on here a lot too- posters wanting advice, describing what seems to be (as far as the info they’ve given us, anyway) an emotionally/verbally/even physically abusive relationship, and then getting upset when Bees respond with shock at how the OP is being treated…
@eloping: And I agree with you. The relationship IRL that comes to mind, the guy just went for girl after girl. The strong and confident ones quickly figured this guy out. Many of them don’t and keep going back, and their self esteem lowers and lowers endlessly.
Post # 8
my BFF first boyfriend use to threaten suicide if she would try to break up with him – talk about controlling, she felt she was responsible for another persons life and she was only 15yrs and it still affect her 15+yrs later
Post # 9
I believe that no one does anything that they don’t get a payoff of some sort for. Unfortunately, no matter how miserable they are, they are getting some payoff that keeps them coming back for more. I have a woman like that in my life and I have finally told her that I am not interested in hearing about the crap he does anymore because she obviously gets something out of it that brings her back for more.
Post # 10
Things are much easier said than done when you are not in that situation and living that hell every day. It’s easy to be on the outside looking in saying, ‘you need to leave that jerk’ ‘he’s no good, he treat’s you like dirt’ ect, but you aren’t that woman who is receiving a death threat when she say’s she is leaving. Battered woman syndrome is what these women deal with and it’s not just as simple as leaving. These women have been brainwashed to believe either their kids, families, or themselves will be hurt for trying to leave the abuser.
You mentioned you had a friend in an abusive relationship, that disgusts you. You may need to just distance yourself from this friend if she makes you feel that way. Pray for her (if you believe in that) and move on
Post # 11
Women come on here constantly and complain of ongoing drama with family, friends, etc. And they can’t seem to realize they’re a part of a ridiculous circle of ridiculousness. They just keep coming back and saying “I can’t believe X did Y. I’m going to do Z to get back at him/her.”
Now imagine that person is your significant other and, for whatever reason, you feel you can’t leave. It’s hard to watch anyone be in an unhealthy relationship, but it’s not restricted to just abusive ones.
Post # 12
Anyone watch Jersey Shore? reminds me so much of the Ron and Sam toxic drama ferris wheel that never stops. If a guy threatens you and tells you you’re crap, that you’re worthless, but says that he’s the best thing you’ll ever have, leave. Love yourself and leave. You’re worth more than the value he puts on you. Don’t let the shower of gifts and trinkets fool you. No ammount of jewelry, clothes, or flowers will bring you self worth. You have to find it on your own.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood
I’ve been in a relationship like this. It may be easy for you, as an outsider, to say “If someone is making you cry and/or hate your life by controlling you and belittling you, it’s time to kiss his ass goodbye! Don’t defend those actions and don’t blame yourself for being treated that way!”
When I was in my relationship, my ex controlled everything but did it subtly and I didn’t realize I was being controlled until it got really bad. But by then I had no real friends and no one to turn to. He was my only ally. He manipulated me with sex and lies and I never knew what to believe. He ripped away my self-esteem and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anyone, including him, but he was doing me a favor by staying with me. Therefore, I should do anything he wanted so he wouldn’t leave me. It sounds fucked up, and it is, but there you go. If you’ve never been in one of these relationships (and I don’t know if you have or not) don’t even try to comprehend it. It offends me that you think women in these relationships should just “get over it.” You have no idea (presumably) what it’s like.
Post # 14
It’s called “battered wives syndrome” and also “the honeymoon cycle.” It’s not easy to break a cycle because it’s familiar, even if it hurts. My mom has had to leave two abusive relationships and in the last one, I was even showing signs of battered wives syndrome where I just didn’t want to make him mad and would get frustrated at my mom for talking back and standing up for herself because it would make it worse. But eventually I got fed up and couldn’t handle it and called the cops and it was the best thing I’ve ever done.
My fbil is like that to his wife…she just wants a guy to love her and she doesn’t care that he calls her a moron or useless or yells at her all the time and is just so happy to be with him because she found someone who loves her. My therapist says that for her it’s better to be in an awful relationship than to be alone because she has such low self esteem. Which is really sad. It’s nearly impossible for people to leave these situations because they have to get to the point where the other person goes far enough to make their lives so awful that they’d rather be alone, which for people with low self esteem is really, really bad.