Post # 1
Please tell me there are other bees out there like me?
I have the BEST…I mean THE BEST fiancee in the world…well ok in my province anyway! He is fantastic..He cooks, he cleans, when there is no milk in the morning for me at breakfast he gets up super early and gets me some.. he goes to the candy store and picks out all the red mike and ikes just because he know I like them…….and the list goes on and on and on and on and on (you get the picture right) I know..What a catch eh?
So if I know that I am super duper lucky to have such a great fantastic thoughtful guy, then why do I insist on treating him like crap? Why do I get mad at the littlest things? Or say the most hurtful things? Or just pick and pick and pick him apart.
I know I do these things….and I hate it because I know that he doesn’t deserve it. In his eyes, the sun rises and sets on me….he would never say anything hurtful, do anything mean, or make me unhappy in any way..but yet I still critisize, pick, and nag….WHY……. WHY ……..WHY?
I have tried really hard to be more understanding…for goodness sakes I am a social worker and I can do it for the clients I work with…so why can’t I treat him as good as he deserves to be treated?
Is there anyone else out there that feels their loved on is the brunt of all your frustration, hate, and anger? ……..Because I think mine gets it more times than he doesn’t…
Post # 3
Do you have a hard time dealing with any of your stressors at work? You could just be projecting your anger/frustration. Not necessarily the best or healthiest idea (for either of you).
If that’s not the case, do you do it all the time? Or is it just when you’re particularly stressed out/hormonal/etc?
Another question (no need to answer this if you don’t want to) but do you suffer from low self esteem, anxiety or depression? Any one of these can factor into ‘taking it out’ on someone else.
Although, if your wedding really is in October, it could just be wedding stress that’s making you crazy.
I think the best thing is to pinpoint what triggers the angries, and try and avoid/stop yourself from reacting/lashing out.
My SO puts up with a lot of my nonsense, mostly because we are still both new to our community (only lived here 1.5 years) and haven’t really become so close with people here as to include them deeply/emotionally in our lives. I try not to flip over the little things (like dishes not being done, or finding smelly sweaty socks in every nook and cranny of the house..), but sometimes it happens.
I try and take responsibility for my actions and approach things as calmly and maturely as possible if there is a explosion of angries (for no reason) though.
Maybe you should talk to him about what you’re doing/feeling and how it affects him/the relatiionship. Maybe he will have better insight to the issue.
Post # 4
I’m a social worker too. It might actually have something to do with that. I’ve had my moments where I take out my frustrations on my husband. I too, have an amazing man. And I always feel awful when it happens. I spoke to a friend of mine in a similar field and she suggested it may have something to do with me not debriefing often enough. I see a lot of horrible things come through my office and I’m really sensitive. That mixed with daily stressors is enough to make someone extremely tense. She was right, so now I speak to my husband about what’s going on at work. I also vent to my Mother and friends about it. So I’m more cognizant of it all now. Being aware of the reason for the behavior helps me curb it.
Post # 5
I am not a maniac…smashing dishes, breaking cell phones, etc ( You ever see the commerical with the girl coming into work and she is pushing people, breaking things, etc….although my man teases me that I am her..I so am not). I just don’t think that I treat him as well as he treats me….that I take him for granted..BIG TIME!
Its like he does clean the house from time to time…but there might be one day that I come home from work and its not done…and am like “what did you do all evening?”….OR he has had a really hard time with money..got in way over his head and hid it from me….He thought he could get in undercontrol before I knew about it. Anyway, I found out…we worked through it, came up with a solution…but sometimes I make comments and don’t think…If he says, maybe we will go out to eat..I throw in “you can’t afford it”..when I know he is embarassed of the problem already.
I think I just have really high expectations and really really like things done my way…and like to be in control…I blame my dad.. hehe… he is the same way…critical, perfectionist, etc….and my fiancee is the total opposite…very quiet, laid back, easy going…
Post # 6
Ummm you totally sound like me Ms. Judder….
I do the same thing to my Fiance and I know in his world the sun rises and sets to me. I think its because Im not used to being treated like that. Maybe we are pushing them to see how much they can take; maybe we are pushing them because we don’t believe its real. I’m unsure. But I do know that I have a great Fiance and if I keep pushing his buttons this hard then one day he is going to leave and thats something I don’t want. Gotta make the change.
Post # 7
I think this is pretty common with women who have people pleaser, nice guy kind of jobs. You put on such a nice face all day, you simply cannot do it at home.
My only advice is to catch yourself when you’re doing it (if you have to, excuse yourself from the room and/or ask your Fiance to go do somethign else or you’ll explode on him) and remind yourself that you KNOW you are acting crazy, that it’s NOT okay to act like that, and bring yourself back to a grounded place. Don’t let yourslef say nasty things just to say them–treat unto others =]. Easier said than done.
Post # 8
When things Fiance does bug me more than they should it’s usually because they’re similar to something my mom does (FI and mom are really alike). So instead of it being something annoying Fiance is doing it’s something annoying that I haven’t been able to control my whole life. Or there are things I see in myself that I wish I was better about so hating those gets transfered to Fiance and I take it out on him. Either way, recognizing where the over-the-top reaction comes from really helps me. Also, telling Fiance that’s why you have an over-the-top reaction helps too, so he won’t feel like you’re tearing him down, it’s a manifestation of something else you can’t control. I’d suggest first focusing on yourself for a while – how do you want to be a better and happier person (by doing more fun stuff or spending time out) – and second trying to say something positive to Fiance when he does something great (thank him when he does clean, goes to the store, etc). That way you can stop being mad at yourself, which will help you be happier in general, and not get mad at Fiance. (pick up a copy of Don’t Shoot the Dog for more ideas on positive interactions)
Post # 9
If you feel you are being overly critical, I think what you need to do is find a way to recognize the critical/harsh comments before you say them. Recognize the comments, acknowledge them, but don’t say them/blurt them out. If you DO feel you need to say something, maybe try and recognize your tone/the way you say it.
I can understand not wanting to go out and spend money (like eating out) if there are already some debt/money issues to deal with. Perhaps if this situation (or similar ones) arise you can sit down together and legitimately talk about how you can both try and ‘cut back’ to save/work on paying off the debt load.
I understand that your finances may be separate, but you are still going to be married, which to some extent justifies your worry/stress over money, however it does not call for harsh criticism, rather working together to move forward.
I can be very critical/harsh myself at times, what helps me put it in perspective is that I know that my spouse is doing the best he can, and if he’s doing his best, who am I to criticize?
Another interesting thing! my friend once said this to me: “Having expectations opens the door to disappointment.”
Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have expectations, but just the act of having them ( or high ones) can set you up for disappointment/anger/frustration.